I think a word of explanation is due

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2001
I think a word of explanation is due
10
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 2:42pm
I don't want everyone on the board thinking that my family is a bunch of uncaring, out for themselves individuals who take me for granted all the time (Ok sometimes they do). My husband has taken on various tasks around the house that he never did before and if he finds me doing them he gets mad at me. My daughter undertook putting away years of photos and negatives that had been piling up in a box. It was a totally overwhelming project for me. She took the reins and did the whole job. The oldest always is running an errand or picking up stuff for me so I don't have to do it. My son takes over a lot of the yard work for DH when it gets out of control and will be found doing domestic chores that most 17 year old wouldn't want to even if they were told to. Are they perfect, do they forget what should be normal clean up after yourself messes could they be doing more the answer would probably be yes. For the most part a gentle reminder will do but you may add on a day with irrational clients, a cranky boss, a mindless twit of a coworker or add on some out of control hormones and it brings their forgetfulness to a different level. But the fact of the matter is that they were all spoiled by me. I was home for many years and they weren't brought up to do as much as they should have been expected to. When I went back to work it was part time and I was home from 2:30 in the afternoon. It's only been the past few years that I've been working full time. So it's been an adjustment for me and for them. It's been an adjustment for me to. To give up the things I've always been capable of doing before has been an adjustment. I've gradually given up doing a lot of the things for them that I had done before. I have certain expectations of myself and I don't realize sometimes that I'm expecting too much. I've lost some of my ability to relax and let go and that the world around me is not going to shatter if I don't complete something when I think it should be finished. This morning was a good example except I handled it the right way today. It's been an ongoing battle to try to get our basement in order. I get sloppy putting paperwork away and so forth. I was able to look at the picture this morning and pick certain projects and complete them. There was a point though that I found the whole task as overwhelming. That's when I knew it was time to walk away for awhile. For the most part I'm capable of doing this but there have been a lot of other things going on around here, particularly concerning my own health. One test after another, bp problems that I never pictured myself as having to deal with. My FIL's recent stroke, worries about DH's job, DD's unemployment situation, DS's graduation and although my other DD is doing well she has suffered from medical and anxiety issues herself. You add in a few hormonal issues and it can make for some crazy moments.

So although I feel that I handle these situations well overall there are times when I just feel like it is like being grappling to get up a giant hole. I'm sure there are many who can handle most anything but can become discouraged and feel like they're treading water. Most of the time just having a place to come and put my feelings in black and white and seeing people's responses will put things back in perspective for me. My focus has definetly been off and it's difficult sometimes to see things properly when that happens.

I will admit that I have had a number of bad days in a row. Maybe that's what I needed to get my head on the right way. I was really able to take a step back yesterday. I know a conversation I had with a very special person yesterday helped enormously and the fact that I took time away yesterday to just enjoy a walk seemed to recharge my battery.

I'm feeling better. I have some work to do on myself. I have to learn to deal with life's ups and down on a daily basis rather than let it accumulate and bring me to the point where I've been the past few days. I want to get back into yoga on a more regular basis and I hope that will be a way of dealing with the stress that accumulates.

I hope this clarifies my venting for the past few days. I would feel really bad if you all had this terrible image of my family that take advantage of me on a daily bais. They really are all wonderful!

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 4:24pm
I'll trade you my family for yours!!LOL I understand completely what you're saying.Some days we can handle anything and other days the smallest of things undo us.I also understand what you're saying about learning to let others do things.It's hard if you've been the one to do things to let someone else take over.Sometimes we feel guilty for not being wonder woman and sometimes we just plain don't like the way the others do it.I'm finding that right now is a time of change in my family as DS becomes an "adult" and I learn to step back.Plus my kid is having some adjustment problems. Thinks he's old enough to stay out as long as he wants but still wants mom to fix his breakfast each morning!!Some days I find that cute but other days.....I also understand how you want to clarify about your family.Sometimes I vent to my sisters about DH.2 days later I think he's Mr. Wonderful and they are still ticked at him.

You are so right that just getting it out helps.I don't know where I'd be without my board buddies.

Miss P




 

Avatar for bootywhompus
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 6:14pm
Vent away girlfriend! It is not a problem for any of us here. I understand how you feel especially when the hormones come on strong. Some days I feel so unappreciated and taken for granted I could scream. DH has his ups and downs too and I can't expect anyone to be perfect except for me...LoL. Living and working with other people is hard. But living with yourself is even harder sometimes.


Lori

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:02pm
You sound as though you have a pretty typical, normal family that does things sometimes and doesn't do them others. I was in the same boat as you, having stayed home part of the time, gone to work, then stayed home, several times. When I'm home I tend to do everything, because I feel it's my "job," particularly when Tim works such long hours and gets in the traveling mode. When I'd go back to work, I'd be ticked off, because they were used to my doing everything for them and weren't used to having to do for themselves. Now, I'm home again, but I still try not to become the maid. They can attend to their personal messes and assume a few responsibilities. They have it pretty easy though.

We often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and when we don't perform up to what we think we should, we get mad at ourselves as much as the rest of the family, then take it out on them. Sometimes it's undeserved, but there are definitely times when they deserve whatever we dish out. It's pretty much of a pendulum swinging back-and-forth as most things in life tend to be.

I'm sure you have a great family. I wouldn't trade my family for the world, but there are days when I might consider renting them out. ;-)

Rhonda

       ~~Rhonda~~


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2001
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 11:02pm
Susan, I think that your family is pretty normal, too. What you have described is just what I went through with my kids when they were home. And sometimes I go through it when they come home for a visit if they're here too long. And as far as my DH goes....well, he is wonderful but occasionally, I gripe about him. And there are days that I'd rent him out, too. But then there are days that he'd rent me out, too. LOL I think that life and family life, in particular, is like that.

I understand perfectly what you are saying. We all want to be wonderwoman. We all want help when we need it and we don't want to have to ask. We want our families and our guys to be perfect. And who is?

And don't ever hesitate to post here. We all do. We all have those days and those gripes that are so obvious to us and then after we get them off our chest, we feel better. I don't think that anyone will think that other's families/DH are not just great!! We have all taken time to gripe here.

I am glad that you got a few things accomplished today. Sometimes that is all that you need to get that 'under control' feeling back a bit. Take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Nancy

Nancy

"Make Choices that bring you joy"  cl-Patty


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 6:45am
I understand, completely, Susan. I can tell that your family is wonderful and that you are overworked.

I won't say my ds is wonderful, but he has wonderful moments. Right now, he has bad influences (his dad being one of them & I won't go there except to say he yells at Danny too much), so my ds takes these bad influences out on me at home. Add to that the fact that I do too much for him and people would say I have a spoiled child. I do the best I can overall, but I need to leave more responsibilities to him. Consistency is the key to everything & there is where I fall short. Today, he will take out the trash & vaccuum for me, but do I insist he make his bed everyday or wash dishes? No. I'm way too lenient on household chores.

Anyway, coping with the things we working moms have to cope with is overwhelming at times and I've had many a good cry (and a few temper tantrums) just this year alone. This has been the best year of my life as a mom, too, so things have gotten better for me.

Katherine (Kat)
Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:37am
Susan there is really no need for any explanations. I understand completely everything you have said. Heck I am kind of in a similar situation. Going back to school has been a challenge to the entire family. Yes I get very upset at my group too, but deep down I know they are pulling for me, and they will and do help. I get upset with why do I have to ask or tell especially when I find myself repeating things several times. I also need to step back and take things more slowly and not get upset. But do relax, we know you do not have a family full of monsters..............LOL! Glad you are feeling better and hang in there.

Deb

Debbie

Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:52am
Patti you make me smile when you said that you vent to your sisters about something your husband did or did not do, then when you have forgive, they still are upset. I have the same problem. I get upset and I talk to my 2 best friends, my sisters, and of coarse when I have forgiven my Bill they are still upset with him. I have been doing this routine for 22 years now, you would think I would have learned to keep some info inside. Thanks for letting my know I am not the only one.

Deb

Debbie

Avatar for bootywhompus
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 9:21am
My jaw nearly hit the floor last night. I was sitting on the bed thinking about getting up and clearing up in the kitchen when DH came in and asked me where the dish soap was. I told him figuring he had some weird project like he always does. Then I heard rattling around in the kitchen. When I got there, he was scrubbing melted cheese off the stove.

I nearly fainted. Of course, he doesn't know that. Sometimes he can be such a sweetie.

Lori

Lori

Avatar for eclectic5777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 9:59am
Susan,

Don't give it another thought. Many of us know exactly what you are talking about from our own experiences with your young adult children. I think one of the biggest things people don't realize is it's just as difficult to learn how to parent a young adult child as it was a newborn when we were inexperienced parents. Everything is a learning experience. Your family sounds like a typical family to me.

Hope you have a great Tuesday!

Margie:)

You Were Born An Original...   Don't Die A Copy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 10:08am
Susan, I'm glad you're able to step back and assess what's going on. To read your posts, I *was* believing that your family wiped their feet on you regularly, and that you weren't able to turn the tide on your own. I'm glad to see that's not the case, that they often take on tasks and do favors (even if it's with a reminder), but that you've had a series of bad days where you had to vent. I still worry about the anxiety you experience which doesn't seem to abate as easily as it once did. You're aware of it though, so don't hesitate to seek medical advice if it is too much in control.

Hugs, Cussette

C