I'm so awful

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
I'm so awful
10
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 1:58pm
Does knowing that I am help make it better???My in laws are the sweetest people but so much has changed in the past few years.Dh is gone for a few days and my FIL just called to tell him what he should take with him. I know he means well but they are constantly worrying over things.I used to have to call everytime I came in from CL and finally I just refused to do it.If I don't get over to see them every so often they think I'm mad about something. But my SIL lives an hour and a half away and hardly comes home at all.They understand that because she is busy!!I kinda think I'm busy too.I think sometimes if I were honest I would say I resent that my DH, my BIL and my SIL all get to work away from home and get away from it.I don't have that chance.My BIL lives at home and yet he seems to have more indepence from the situation than I do. I don't feel like they take my work seriously.They depend on DH for alot so I have to not depend on him so much.The things I need him to do go undone.They don't have the patience to wait for things to be done anymore either.I have an endless cycle of feeling frustrated by it all and then feeling terrible guilt because of that feeling.Right now I'm in the frustrated stage, guilt will follow soon.Thanks for letting me vent.

Miss P




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:06pm
No, you're not awful, Patty. I wish your in-laws would think of you, for once. I understand what you're going through. Is dh their baby? Some parents just can't let go of either the baby or their "favorite" and that child's mate is the one that suffers from this situation. I wish your dh would spend more time with you. When he gets home, you two need a date night out. As far as your business, do you have an "office" space in your home? I know this may sound trite, but you ARE an entrepreneur after all, and you need your "space" (and you need your set work/office hours where you don't have interruptions and where people such as your in-laws see that your business is indeed important!). After all, you are a breadwinner for your family! I just don't get it about the businesswoman thing - we're the first to have to make allowances no matter what contributions we make to our families! Will times (and people's way of thinking) ever change?

Lots of hugs and you can vent anytime you wish,

Kat

Katherine (Kat)
Avatar for sharonalee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:56pm
Patty, you are NOT awful! Please do not think that for a moment. It must be hard living so close to your inlaws. You work very hard and they should appreciate you. I am very thankful that my family and MIL are 40 miles away and still healthy. I know a time will come when things will change. It seems like in every family there is that one person that ends up with all of the family responsibilty. My fil died a few years ago from alzheimers and all of the responsibility ended up on my dh. I felt that it was very unfair, but I guess that is the way that life goes. How come that bil that still lives at home doesn't help out more? You are a very sweet person, maybe you can just hide out in chicken land?

Hugs

Sharon

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2001
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 3:19pm

Of course you are not a terrible person!!!!

Nancy

"Make Choices that bring you joy"  cl-Patty


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 3:51pm
I feel for you! I lived NEXT DOOR to my ex-in-laws, and although there were some advantages, in many ways it was a royal pain. We had built in 1973, and they built next door the following year. My FIL seemed to think it was a compound, and that he was in charge. He was trying to tell my husband when each of them would take out all the garbage cans for both families and things like that. We even shared the same well. It wasn't too long before I finally spoke up about it, or it would have gotten worse. I never was their "favorite" DIL, because I wouldn't allow us to be under their thumbs, but I figured that was their problem. We were a lot happier having a fairly normal amount of independence and helped them in reasonable ways.

It may make some waves at first, but you'd probably be a lot happier if you let your DH know how this makes you feel, and maybe he or the two of you could initiate some changes to wean them away from you at least part of the time.

You're a wonderful, caring person, and they probably take advantage of that. You owe it to yourself to get respect for all you do and have some time of your own.

We love you, lady!

Rhonda

       ~~Rhonda~~


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:37pm

There is absolutely no reason in the world for you to feel guilty.

Live With Passion!

Phyllis

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
In reply to: pt40
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 8:18pm
Thanks guys!You're the best.

Miss P




 

Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: pt40
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:26am
Patty we all get that way. Feelings wise. I had my MIL live with me for 5 years, when she left dad. Only to remarry him later. Oh well, not my problem right? Well I am the one who gets to hear all the mess. Hubby doesn't, she wont upset him. SIL dosen't she lives in LA far removed from all of it. My MIL also works at the shop for Bill. When she retired 3 years ago she offered to help in the office, well now she runs the place, well sort of. They are loving people, who love and idolize their son. They cherish our kids, and I realize how lucky we are that they are still here and healthy. But they get on my nerves too, its normal. Have some patience, I know its hard. Sometimes we just need to speak our mind. Heck when I first went back to school, it was not my husband and kids that gave me a hard time, it was my MIL. Bill finally told her to mind her own business, if she had nothing nice to say about it then keep quiet. He floored me when he spoke up for me. Maybe your hubby needs to explain to them how busy you are keeping CL in order. And its very stressful being a princess.

Deb

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:47am
I have a saying that comes in handy sometimes: You can't be walked on unless you make a doormat of yourself. I know it's easier said than done not to do that, but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself if no one else will.

Rhonda

       ~~Rhonda~~


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Avatar for bootywhompus
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 12:16pm
Your feelings are valid! Just because you 'stay at home' and don't have to 'go to work' doesn't make you or your time any less valuable than anyone else's. Maybe you should just point that stuff out to a couple people sometime.

As for their impatience, well, I hate to say it, but get used to it. My in laws have gotten that way too over the last couple years. I think that their constant worrying is just from being a parent and not letting go quite as much as they probably should. Heck, my Dad is still making decisions for me which I politely ignore.

As for your DH not helping you, I'd have to have a talk with him about that. Yes, he owes his parents the respect they are due. But he has a family of his own and he needs to take care of them as well.

We know you work hard. We know you have a lot on your plate. In fact, I am just a little envious of you and your work. It certainly sounds glamorous with you being a princess and all.

Hang in there your Ladyship.

Lori

Lori

Avatar for imthebigsister
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pt40
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:09pm
Patty - I'm sending hugs, and can offer support, but I've got such a different set of circumstances as far as ILs are concerned. My FIL is the thorn in my side most times. He gives women short shrift, and so I find it very difficult to carry on conversations with him on quasi-controversial subjects; I've stopped saying much to keep the peace, let him feel like the Big Cheese, and focus my conversations on my MIL. He's a former VP with an insurance co., so, to quote him, "there's da%* little I don't know." He used to say this in a joking manner, but there's an old saying that goes "many a truth is told in jest". I really think he believes that no one under the age of 80 knows from spit. He's used to being in charge, and usually gets that look on his face when his sons and their families have done something that turns out quite nicely that he totally doesn't approve of. Probably feels he should be consulted about everything and get his chance to throw a bucket of cold water on any idea that's not his. Either that, or he's really needful of presenting the impression of being in control and needed by his family. As frugal as he was raised to be, he's generous to his sons to a fault, and a couple of times when he had brief stays in the hospital he brushed the circumstances off like they were nothing so his kids wouldn't worry about him. We all did, and do, anyway.

My MIL, God bless her, has her place in heaven reserved. She is wonderfully patient with my FIL and knows just how to get her points across with him; it's a wonderful thing to witness! She's had 60 years to figure him out; I'm still a baby at it, but I'm catching on. She listens when you talk, passes no judgments and offers good impartial compassionate advice. She recognizes that her sons are all grown up and have fully functioning brains of their own, only pries when she's concerned about a situation (and there aren't many that she considers pry-worthy), and treats her DILs with more respect than many mothers have for their own daughters. When she needs help, we're more than happy to oblige because she recognizes we have work responsibilities and doesn't take advantage.

I wish I could pass some of the good stuff your way, Patty. Sounds like you do have to set limits with your MIL - set up an office area and make a big deal out of it, set up something that appears like workday hours, put a business-like message on your answering machine and screen phone calls during your workday hours (I know, your work hours could be midnight if something goes awry in one of the houses, but this is for the benefit of piece of mind during the day when things are their busiest) and, if you must answer the phone, keep the conversation to a minimum and take a message for your DH when his family calls looking for his aid and assistance - you need him, too, as do his other work commitments.

Hugggsss coming your way,

Donna