Times they are changing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2001
Times they are changing
5
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 8:21am
I've been married 27 years and with the exception of the year I was very pregnant and overdue with my oldest this will be the first year that I won't be cooking Thanksgiving with other family members being present. DH has been trying to get his sister and mom here for Thanksgiving. He extended the invitation once again last night but they just won't budge. I'm not sure what they're going to do...whether they plan to sit at the nursing home all day or at the nursing home and then home alone. My MIL in our opinion is in a state of denial over FIL's condition and by the conversation last night has been put on Zoloft for depression. Just my opinion, and I guess after our DD's problems dealing with depression and anxiety, I hate seeing these type of prescriptions being written without some type of therapy to go with it to help with the root of the problem. I've thought about just cooking the meal and transporting it to their house but I'm not getting good vibes about trying that idea. It just seems that they could use a change of scenery. I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things going on-but this just doesn't seem very healthy.

It's going to seem very strange around here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 9:26am
I agree with you that they'd benefit from some together time with others (ie. you two). Thanksgiving is still 5 days away - don't give up, ask them a few more times. If they chose to stay at the nursing home or at home, do give them a call on Thanksgiving to let them know you're thinking of them (and make the offer one more time). MIL might well be in denial, or she just can't bear to leave her groom alone - not having been in that position ourselves, it's hard to say how we'd react.

I also agree with you on counseling for most people when anti-depressants are prescribed. Without dealing with the root of the problems, the medication becomes a crutch. In those rare instances, I can see it - like the mother of a friend of ours: her husband lost both his kidneys and was on dialysis for 25+ years before he passed away nearly 4 years ago, and her MIL never did care for her and made it known by criticizing her and willfully trying to make life difficult. There was no doubt what the root of my friend's mom's problems were - dealing with her beloved husband's physical conditions, and staving off a bitter MIL, but she was literally stuck in the situation. She wasn't going to abandon her husband (the two of them were quite a pair and had something special between them) despite MIL. Both her DH and MIL have since passed away, and she's medication-free for the first time in years.





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Avatar for imthebigsister
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 9:34am
Susan - It sounds like their way of dealing with this situation is to do nothing, and yours and DH's is do try to make everyone positive and comfortable. How about just making dinner for your family and bringing some plates by your MIL's house later? You and your family will have a pleasant holiday, and the other family members can handle it as they choose and you still will have done something nice for them. My mom had the worst flu one Thanksgiving and just didn't want to leave the house or infect anyone else. My uncle picked my sister and me up, we went to dinner, and when he brought us home my aunt sent home a whole meal for her. My mom couldn't eat a mouthful that day, but a couple of days later, she had a nice dinner and was very appreciative for it.

An old friend of mine used to say "you can't make people happy against their will." Just do the nicest thing you can for them, expect nothing, and enjoy your day with your family.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 12:26pm
Wise advice!

Rhonda


Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time disapproving of others.

       ~~Rhonda~~


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 5:04pm
What a tough situation for you. I hope you can enjoy the day with your DH and children.Keeping you guys in my thoughts.

Miss P




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 5:36pm

I would think that they would love to have someone cook for them and make a special dinner. But, some people feel "guilty" if they have a good time when someone else can't. You extended the invites and you did your best and that is all you can do.


About the Zoloft...you are right there with prescribing that stuff without some counseling. Some docs are too quick to write out Rx's. Of course she is depressed...some one she loves is ill. I am sure talking to someone would help a lot, but the older generation is so against "airing their dirty laundry".


It will be only 3 of us for Thanksgiving here. It sure cutting down on my menu. I do have one consulation...all the kids and grandkids will be together for Christmas in NC.


Good luck with how Thanksgiving turns out. You may be making a new tradition and that is ok too.


Grace