Parents... again. Need input (long)
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| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:25pm |
About 2 weeks after Allison was born back in 1998, my parents, retired and residing in Alabama at the time, called to say they were moving to Arizona. Dad's brother lived there with his wife - they hadn't seen each other for 30+ years. I'm an only child, and Allison is their only grandchild. At the time both Dan and I expressed concern that they'd make an effort to visit enough so that they could be a part of Allison's life, especially since they were the younger set of grandparents. They assured us that they were hoping to visit twice a year, though they definitely wanted to do some traveling in their retirement to other places. No problem.
Fast forward. Every year in the last few years, they've taken more and bigger trips to world destinations. Initially, they took a white water rafting trip one year. Next year was a cruise to Alaska. Year after, a trip to Brazil and another cruise. Last year, Dad went to Peru on a birding expedition, they went on a cruise in December, and there were one or two other trips, at least one to Mexico. This upcoming year: two trips to Mexico, a week long trip to Texas (birding), a cruise to Hawaii. I'm already hearing of a trip to the Orient *next* April, and Dad has also talked about Africa. ...Meanwhile, their trips to visit us have dwindled to once a year. Our concerns about my folks' participation in Allison's life are now coming to pass.
Initially, they said their traveling would slow down as they got older - that they wanted to do what they can while still able - though it's evident that it's picking up speed, considerably. Every year they seem to want to do more, see more, to make this year more exciting than the last... at the sacrifice of seeing their granddaughter as little as possible. I've talked to couples who've had their own issues with parents or in-laws who were too busy in their own lives to have much to do with their grandkids, but as loving and as close knit as our family was when I was growing up, I never suspected that my own parents wouldd be in that group, yet there they are. What's baffling is that they believe (and have stated in so many words) that's the way most grandparents are - non-participants. Yet among our own friends and a number grandparents we know through work and church, that's not so. Most grandparents we know would be frustrated if they could visit their grandkids *only* once a year.
If you remember, I shared here that they cancelled their visit in November. Initially it bothered me, though there's no doubt it was a hastily thrown together idea and probably should have never been brought up (it was their idea). I don't harbor any bad feelings about them not coming anymore... but what they told us when they backed out was that time nor money permitted you to come at that time. We've heard that from them before, and Dan and I recognized that it really wasn't a matter of time and money, but a matter of preferences. Time and money aren't an issue for their numerous other travels - heck, they planned their December cruise over a year in advance, had money to put down, and that was just a few short months after Dad's trip to Peru. I realized at that point I'd been in denial, not wanting believe that their other trips took precedence over being a part of Allison's life.
I've wondered if I'm the one being selfish (I *am* an only kid myself, and I know I was spoiled growing up), but seeing the reactions of others, I don't think so. They ask "What about seeing Allison?" "They're going everywhere else, aren't they going to visit you?" I no longer know how to answer those. Allison is asking her own questions: about the time my parents were on their December cruise, she asked why Mimi and Gramps didn't come out for her birthday. Truth is, Mimi and Gramps had chosen to take their vacation somewhere else. A few days ago, she mentioned that Mimi and Gramps send packages and that reminds her of them, but she also concluded, in her own way, that presents aren't the same as presence: "People don't come in packages." Wow, what insight for a 5-year old.
Thing is, it's not about me, but Allison and my parents' relationship with her. I'm convinced that if we'd remained childless, we'd see them once in a blue moon. I'd probably just sigh and say to Dan "Well, my folks are off traveling again." I also can't help but wonder if they'd be more apt to visit if we lived in a foreign country where an adventure was waiting, or if they could take a cruise to get here.
Moreover, this is going to keep resurfacing. Whenever we get an e-mail outlining their trips for the next 18 months or detailing their last two trips, I go through this all over again. It doesn't go away. The most recent e-mail I got from Dad outlined their 4 current trips and planning stages for the orient, with a "When can we come visit you?" They would like to visit, but as I said, it's getting less and less, and it's as if the idea is an afterthought, a forehead smacking "Omigosh, we oughta visit". I had to take PM headache pills one night to calm my nerves and tackle a headache brought on by grappling with this, and about 5 of the last 7 nights have been restless because it remains "there", in the back of my head. I can't help but think that if we lived in a foreign country where some kind of adventure could be found, or if they could only reach us by cruise ship, we'd see them more often.
We have visited out them twice since Allison was born. We drove to Alabama before they moved, and flew out there last year. We can afford to fly out there, but Dan has limited off-time which he uses for extended weekends to visit his dear Mom, take other trips, or do things needed around the house... and Al and I traveling without him on a family vacation, for me, is not an option. So we're talking flying 3 people out to Arizona on little vacation time vs. the two of them flying (or driving - they've done that) here with no worry about taking days off from work.
Yeah, I've prayed about it. Hard. Many times. I ball it up and throw it at God. What seems to be happening is that He opens it up, smooths it out and hands it back to me. I'm stuck on two chapters in "The Purpose Driven Life" - the one dealing with restoring broken fellowship, and to a lesser extent, protecting the church... both dealing with conflicts and what our part is. I keep reading that "God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, hurt or conflict." ... "It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move." Jesus instructed that if we are making an offering to God and have a conflict, resolve that first. My parents are not practicing Christians (my Mom is a believer), but it's clear that I'm not off the hook, that I need to make the first move - if a move needs to be made. Thing is, I doubt they are even aware of the sleepless nights, the praying and the crying I've done over their lack of desire to be more involved with Allison. It *is* affecting my relationship with them. I've yet to answer the e-mail about them visiting, and I really don't feel like doing so unless I express a few more feelings.
Question #1: Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish?
Question #2: Would you do anything? Or keep it inside and try to accept it? There is no doubt it's going to keep resurfacing unless I say "I don't want to hear about your other plans."
I've crafted a letter to them, saying much of what I've said above, being sure I'm not hopping up and down with accusations, but outlining our disappointment, puzzling over why it's like this, and even Allison's reactions. Though I wish we could see them twice a year, I'm not asking them to change or give up their travels (like they're gonna say "Yanno, she's right"!), but to have them consider where their immediate family stands in their lives. They value Dad's brother, wife and their family, but isn't this side of the family important too? What I really want is to get this out of my head. Yeah, confrontation. I'm running a great risk of coming across as disrespectful, self-centered, and maybe creating a bigger rift. But at least it would be out in the open, for discussion. I already feel better just writing my thoughts down, but it won't do a squat of good sitting in a word processor. They can't read my mind, let alone what on our hard drive.
Question #3: Should I send them the letter? If I called, I would fail to get my feelings across, or get them across the wrong way. If I "say" anything, it'd have to be a letter.
Thanks, ladies. If you've made it this far, you're saints. This is very confusing for me, trying to sort it out, and input is what I need. Dan's been wonderfully supportive, thinks my letter says it all and says if I want to send it, do so.

Cussette
, CL for Family Finances
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No Mom is an island . . . but sometimes she needs one!

I'd send the letter. If it's bothering you and you need to know what is going on, that's a good way to find out. Of course, it could make things worse. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Your parents may have a perfectly reasonable response and it may be quite a surprise to you to find it out.
IMHO: It sounds to me like your parents are very busy enjoying their retirement. Life goes by so fast and they don't want to miss any of it if they can manage it. Something has to give somewhere and unfortunately, for now, it seems to be you and your family.
I don't know if this helps much or not. I feel for you.
Lori
Lori
I have both sets around me, with my in laws just across the road.When my son was little he was so close to my MIL.My parents, while he did see them, were just not as actively involved in his life.I was sometimes hurt by what I perceived as their lack of interest.Now at 19 he oftens stops by Mom and Dads before coming home from work.Some relationships take time to develope.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Please let me know if I can help in any way.Take care.
Miss P
So sorry you are hurting the way you are over this.
Live With Passion!
Phyllis
Send the letter. If the contents of it don't convey how this situation is bothering you, then nothing you do or say is going to bring them around. And you're going to have to be the one to keep making overtures to them if you intend to follow God's path regarding maintaining/repairing relationships. Your letter may prompt a confrontation - so what if it does? You're an adult with a very real, legitimate concern - you're not being disrespectful of your parents or self-centered. If your concern is truly, deep-in-your-heart about their relationship with your daughter, you are not being selfish about this at all.
What saddens me is that someday they're going to realize what they've been missing by not being more nuturing with your Allison, and she might just be too busy living her life to reach back to them when that time comes around. I know you're not going to convey your hurt to her, but she's bright and insightful for a 5-YO; she's going to remember and she's going to think what she thinks when she gets older.
I do agree with Phyllis about getting Dan to try to make time to visit them - all those Fridays and Mondays you spend with his mom in the mountains can add up to a couple of days you can add to a trip to Arizona. I don't know how to put that more tactfully - I certainly don't mean to pile on the hurt. Can you and Allison go out a day or two early, and have Dan join you there for the next day or two and come home together?
Just keep the lines open to them - and keep the Advil and a box of tissues handy. You're going to be the hurting one until they change their attitude. I can appreciate their wanting to go everywhere and see the world while they're young enough to appreciate it, but if I were them, I'd want to get to know this terrific little girl and make my daughter feel like they're equally as proud and thrilled to have her in their lives.
Donna
I wish flying were as easy to plan and carry through as driving! Heck, I wish Southwest came to our city with their special weekend fares. Tickets for 3 of us still run near $280 each - that's what it cost us last ($268 plus various fees), and we were lucky to have a free ticket. We can cover that, but it's not like we could do it 2-3 times a year like we could if we would be able to drive to a nearby state.
Cussette
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C
I can't give you better advice than the ladies already have--but I hope it all works out for you.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I also think the letter is a good idea, but I'd read it several times over the course of a night or day and see if you still feel everything in
~~Rhonda~~
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FWIW - I am sorry that you're hurting. I hope you find a way to achieve peace.
My impressions and suggestions:
1. Don't lay your expectations on them. They will visit as often as they feel they need to. Enjoy it when it happens. How much did they sacrifice to spend good quality time with you while you were growing up? Now is their chance to do the things they've always wanted to do. Why are you upset at them for doing that?
2. If you're angry and hurt by their lack of visits, TELL THEM. Clearly. Don't leave them to guess how it affects you. Don't say quietly "Oh, I'm disappointed. Oh well." Tell them "I was really hoping you would be a bigger part of our lives, and it hurts that you're not. Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I cry about it. I miss you." Don't assume that they have any idea that it bothers you this much. Once you've told them, let it go. If they know and don't do something about it, then pray for acceptance and healing for your sense of abandonment and betrayal.
3. Allison will survive just fine. Yes - *SOME* grandparents are involved more. Some aren't. She isn't going to be scarred for life if they only visit once a year. My parents are both dead - my mom died before my daughter was born, and my dad shortly after my son was born. If the important part is for her to have a relationship with them - ask if she can come visit alone. Airlines have arrangements for this. You can put her on a plane on one side and they can pick her up on the other side - she's getting to the age where this would be a BIG adventure for her and she'd probably love it. But, is it about *her* seeing them? or is it about *you*... I know you say it's not...
I would suggest you focus on the fact that they're capable of being that adventurous. Be happy for them! Having seen how much fun it is with Alex's dad needing constant care and attention, count your blessings that you have them around but still on-the-go...
Anna
My folks traveling like they've wanted to do is not what's upsetting me. When I was growing up, they didn't have the sources to do that. Even if they'd wanted to start traveling at that time, they couldn't have done so. What I'm upset about is that they're using their other travels as cause to drop visits to see their granddaughter. If they travelled to 20 places a year and two of those were here, I wouldn't have an issue at all with their travels. At all.
Overwhelmingly, I'm hearing to go ahead and tell them. Even though you have a different angle on the situation, you're saying that too. I'll be doing so. I'm not expecting change, but at the point I make my feelings known, then yes, I know I've done what I can and will be then praying for me to let it go.
I know Allison will survive just fine without their interaction. I did not have involved grandparents, either. Two died before I was born; my surviving grandfather seldom wrote to dad, let alone be active with me; my German grandmother stayed in touch through writing and Christmas packages though distance prevented her from many visits. So I grew up without grandparents and didn't miss anything. Then I had a child of my own, seeing grandparent relationships, having one active grandparent (MIL), and seeing what it could be. It's not a devastating absence, but it will eventually be revealed. Allison is already asking questions. It's not just their lack of interaction, but that they *are* able to, and *choose* not to. They're around, but figuratively might as well be on another planet. Very unlike the people who raised me!
Is it about her seeing them, or me seeing them? Good question, and one I have thought about. As I stated, if we were childless, we'd see them once in a blue moon, and... it wouldn't get to me nearly as much. We saw them several times after moving before Allison came along - when the time between visits was longer for whatever reason, it was okay, because it'd pick up later again. Allison's very existence has changed my own outlook, and their visits *are* dropping off. Dan has said "If it were me, I'd be hurt for myself too... and it'd be perfectly normal." I'm sure there's some of that in me, but I can't find it because my feelings regarding them being in Allison's life are simply overshadowing right now.
Some day I know we'll get Allison out there on her own. Some kids are already traveling alone at her age (5), but we feel she's still a little young for that. Beginning age 7 or 8 I'd feel more comfortable - though I'll wager the color will drain from Dan's face when I suggest it, LOL! But once she's old enough and her own focus shifts, she might decide visiting grandparents, especially some who were hardly around in her younger years, is the last thing she wants to do. I wouldn't force her to go, and at that point, it is my parents' loss. (I think several of the other responses alluded to this.)
Cussette
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C
Allison is lucky to have a great mom like you.
Anna