Is it my turn to vent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Is it my turn to vent?
12
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:49pm

We've lived here for over 3 years now and it's time to repaint the inside of the house.

Live With Passion!

Phyllis

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 7:08pm

Oh, Phyllis...you poor woman...I feel your pain! I hope you say something so you don't implode! Do you really have to paint everything? I am sure your place is in good shape that you don't have to. Most people want to paint their own colors when they move in.


I do hope DH decides to help you with the rest of the rooms. No he will not offer because you are doing such a good job. You will have to tell him to help you. You almost have to hit men over the head with it. It is his house too. It is a lot of work to do yourself. I hope you can find some peace with all of this.


All I can say is you are not alone. I think we have all been where you are now with DH. Paybacks are a b*tch. DH is getting a taste of it now that I am out of commission.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 7:08pm
Fortunately, I can not relate. My DH is pretty good about all that stuff. However, my sister's DH is just like Johnny. She does EVERYTHING in their house. Unless it involves the car. Then he's all over that. She's painted their house numerous times, inside and out. Cleans the carpets, mows the yard, trimming, etc. His philosophy is that he doesn't get to take many vacation days so he can't be doing that kind of stuff on his day off. He wants to "relax".

I feel for you. I'm sure you'll get your point across.

Hugs.

Sassy

 

                        

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 7:49pm
Wow, you did alot of painting!!!We should probably write down why we marry them early in the marriage.It would be good to have something to refer back to at times just like this.

Men, can't live with them. Can't bury them in the backyard.

Miss P




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:08pm
I sympathize with you, Phyllis. Not being married at this time, I may not be the best to dole out the advice . . . but I guess something in between showing the spouse how mad we are (which I think you have every right to be) and doing it all ourselves is needed. When is Johnny's next available time off? Maybe if you ask him to help you, he will respond positively (I know, some men don't respond well, but they should!). I've decided that since I have started asking my ex for specific help, he responds very well. I used to hint around - I've noticed men, in general, like to be asked for help. My ex never responded to me when I said I was tired - only when I specifically asked for something. Men are strange creatures - most of them can't pick up on clues. I DO think being asked for their assistance helps them feel wanted and needed. I've read so many things about the feeling needed part (the biggest advocate of that is Dr. John Gray, I think) that I absolutely believe it! I got the biggest kick out of 2 men (fathers on the baseball team) several years ago who had to come over to offer me assistance with my old mini-van. They didn't notice that my ex had his nose under the hood until after they had made a bee-line over there. I wondered then, why isn't a man there when I REALLY need him?

Good luck & don't you dare do all of that work yourself!

Hugs,

Kat

Katherine (Kat)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:16pm

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, and you sure have a right to vent. I would have to say something to him. It's just my nature. I don't suffer in silence well, and it's better for me to talk it out sooner than later before it grows out of proportion. It may be that he does need a brick wall to fall on him. Men are pretty clueless (sometimes out of convenience). Tim is a wonderful, incredibly intelligent person, yet take him out of the office and he's like the absent-minded professor.


Hugs,

Rhonda


Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time disapproving of others.

       ~~Rhonda~~


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 6:14am
That sounds really frustrating.

You're right - he probably won't offer to help - he's probably figuring that you're quite capable and will ask for help when you want it, and be quite willing. Further, I'll bet he'd be *VERY* surprised to hear that you expected him to know you wanted help... He's a guy. Don't expect him to figure it out. Guys need a clue-by-four.

So, save yourself some bad feelings and let him know when you're going to do the rest that you would like help and what specifically you would like help. He may even think he's being good by staying out of your way! (Guys are like that...)

In the meantime, feel free to vent all you need to. I understand. Alex is the complete slob from hell.... It would never ever dawn on him to offer to help. But he's always quite willing to help whenever I ask...

Men. Sometimes I wonder what we see in them... ;-)

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 6:49am

Thanks everyone for lettting me vent and your advice.

Live With Passion!

Phyllis

Avatar for bootywhompus
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:56am
My DH does the same thing when he has his nose in that computer. It takes an act of Congress to get him to pay attention for more than a minute. So, I usually catch him while he's on the way to the bathroom or bugging me in the kitchen for supper. Men aren't easy creatures to deal with are they? Silly things. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with his brain...

I totally get where you're coming from.

Lori

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 8:48am
Hi Phyllis, jumping in on this late. I can sure see why you're steaming and I can't blame you at all. What the other ladies have said, about guys being clueless, really has merit. Most of them don't do it out of spite or disrespect. I think I've told Debbie (dmm) that our guys can't read our minds, so we have to tell them what's on it. There are times I'm ready to blow because I think The Cus (who's actually pretty sensitive to things like that) ought to recognize my needing help more than he does. However, all I usually have to say is "Can you help me out here, please?" and he does so cheerfully. Could be that Johnny believes this is a project/interest you want to do yourself, as incredulous as that might sound to any of us reading your post.

I think, too, those of us who don't have a regular 8-5 job tend to overlook what our fellas put into their days. The Cus gets up at 6:15am, hits the road by 7:10am, and often doesn't get back until 6:00pm for nearly a 12-hour day. If we don't have that kind of schedule we get to do some of those relaxing things a little at a time during the week, and sometimes they just don't want to get involved in anything on their days off. Having said that, though... computer games, movies and TV *all* day is excessive for a day, and I *know* I'd object too.

(As an aside, in my case whenever I start a decorating project, The Cus has made it clear I'm on my own! There's a difference, though - I'm not doing it out of need. After 12, almost 13 years, I'm ready to add color and pizazz to various rooms in the house. But that's quite different as to what you're doing and why - though a guy who's perfectly happy with white walls, blinds without curtains and mismatched furniture might not see it that way.)






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C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:30pm
"""I used to hint around - I've noticed men, in general, like to be asked for help. My ex never responded to me when I said I was tired - only when I specifically asked for something. Men are strange creatures - most of them can't pick up on clues."""

I think you're right - I don't think it would ever dawn on most men to respond to a comment like "I'm tired" with an offer to help. They might suggest you sit down for a while, or not work so hard or some other "fixit" suggestion, but offering to help would never occur to them....

You just gotta remember:

never hit a man with glasses (or hints)

hit him with a baseball bat.

Anna

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