Received *letter* from my parents
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:17am |
"We talked with many people that we know and most of them see their daughters or sons and grandchildren about once a year; so we haven't thought anything about it and we certainly don't feel guilty." It must be who they're surrounded by. The grandparents we know would be horrified at the notion of seeing their children and grandchildren just once a year, including some women here, and others who've been praying for me.
"We have seen and done things that just amaze us and leave us breathless...We know we can't keep this up for a long length of time, but we would like to do as much as possible while we can still get around." Later in the letter "We want to see you all and we will, but we'll just have to do it at our time when we can." That's it in a nutshell. Priorities, something I've finally accepted. Family and SC just aren't amazing or breathtaking.
A few other things of note, things that I'd actually considered "heading off at the pass" in earlier drafts of my response to them, but that I edited out so that I wouldn't drone on:
Before moving to Arizona "we thought about moving to SC to be near you... of Dan having to move, we certainly didn't want to follow you around the country. We too needed some family to talk to and interface with. That's the reason we moved to AZ where we had my brother, his wife and children and their children. The kids certainly don't take the place of Allison, but it gives us some home feeling." If I were a grandparent, I wouldn't follow me around the country either! But I would make visits to children and grandchildren a larger part of my life. There's always a possibility of Dan getting transferred... or losing his job as the company continues to whittle his department from 16 when we moved here to 6 by the end of next year. It's wild that we've been here for 13 years, when his previous locations with the company have been 5 and 6 years each. Take the rest of their paragraph however you want to. My parents have surrogate grandkids, and while they say they don't take the place of Allison, I think their priorities speak louder than their words.
"I see very small kids traveling on planes all the time, and money shouldn't be a problem for you from what I've seen." Cost, yes, we can afford tickets, but we cannot spend freely with trips several times a year. Dad gets a great pension from the military; our retirement will come mainly from what we save, after we pay for DD's education should she go to college. Of all the families we know locally, we're the only ones who've traveled by plane with a child. Of the dozens of moms I know online (literally, 40+) with kids Allison's age, perhaps 5 others besides ourselves have taken a plane trip. I don't think they realize the logistics for flying with kids are much more strenuous than driving - which is why most families with young children will take driving trips rather flying. With them being 2000+ miles away, it'd take 3 11-hour days of driving with minimal stops to do it. We'd need more than a week, and that kind of time off would put too much of a burden on Dan - unless he gets fired and has the time. He already works 10 hour days. As much as I'd like to get together with my parents for Allison's sake, Dan's needs and what he's able to do must weigh in. I don't feel as if I'm making up excuses. They are more capable of traveling with just the two of them than we are - their current travels show that.
One weird thing my dad mentioned was "While we were in Alabama and you were in SC, we were always hearing about the get-togethers of you and Dan's family. We were never invited to any of them and that kind of hurt. I know we met some of them that one time, but we would have liked to be invited even if we may not have been able to make it; however, this has nothing to do with why we only come out once a year." This is odd, because prior to Allison being born, the times we saw my ILs were for 3-day weekends, and we perhaps saw them an average of 3 times a year alternating between our home and theirs. During that time, we saw my parents around twice a year with longer stays (again, alternating). Dan and I split Christmases and Thanksgivings between our own home, my parents and my ILs so that we could spread our visits. All four of us visited my ILs once at my ILs invitation. There were two family reunions on Dan's side of the family - one in Cape Cod for an anniversary celebration of Dan's aunt in 1992, and then his parents' 50th anniversary in 1997. In each of those, Dan was one of about 9 or 10 adult children with spouses and families of their own who either attended or were invited, and none of the kids were shown favoritism for their in-laws. We started getting together with Dan's brother in NC once a year beginning in 1998, a month later we spent a week at my parents' house in AL, and by the next year my parents had moved. It seems to me Dan and I did everything we possibly could to make visits equitable between our families. ...I'm not sure where they're coming from on the numerous get-togethers they're envisioning. In the two reunions, Dan and I were in no position to extend invitations ourselves or to suggest to whoever was hosting to include more people. I think my folks are way off-base on this, perhaps because their own families are small and fragmented, and they can't envision 45 people in one family with no inlaws included. My family, including inlaws, would probably be half of that.
I'll answer them, again after smoking a few things over. The difference this go-round is that it's the first time in several years that I've been able to read about their plans and grasp their priorities without an overwhelming sadness, even though basically nothing has changed. It does leave me with a bit of peace knowing this, even if it is not the way I'd hoped. There are more points on the globe than there are years in a lifespan after retirement, so their travels won't slow down enough to work in visits. They'll pass away before doing all they want to do, or when they can't do their other travels, they'll find they aren't capable of visiting here, either. But these are the choices they are making today. The regrets in the end won't be mine and I know I've done the right thing by bringing this up. Meanwhile I can look forward to my Mom's visit in May and the few future visits they'll make without having this cloud above me.

Cussette
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I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Kat
I'm sorry to see the direction your dad's response took too. I wouldn't care how other grandparents felt about how often they saw their grandkids. What would count is how I felt about it. Some people are just not family oriented and it doesn't bother them to live thousands of miles apart and not see each other for years. I'm not like that. By the time he's ready to visit or possibly needs to be close by, it may be a bit late for bonding, and Allison may be too busy with her own activities.
~~Rhonda~~
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So sorry you didn't get the response you were looking for but it does help clear a few things up. Now you don't have to feel guitly about whatever you decide (or go out of you way to see them more).
Just don't understand how with life being so short and you never know what the future will bring that this time isn't taken to see you guys more. If they can't do what they want in a few years, what makes them think they can do it when and if their health fails. I want to be able to be physical with my grandkids...get down on the floor and play with them...help them learn how to ride a two wheeler, etc. Don't want to do that with a walker!
I have to comment on the last point they made...you are right...they are off base with being invited to the inlaws get togethers. It is not there place to be there unless they got a personal invitation from the host.
I do hope you can find some peace. This is such a hard thing and I think you are handling admirably.
Hugs
Grace
Grace
fitness4health@yahoo.com
Grace
fitness4health@yahoo.com
Miss P