Bab Mom, need your opinions

Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Bab Mom, need your opinions
8
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:09am
Hey I need your opinions ladies. This is hard to explain so please bare with me. Katie does girl scouts and I have been an assistant leader now for 4 years. This past year we merged with another group making us a total of 14 girls. There are 4 adults, some weeks we are all there other times we only have 2. Anyhow, since we started we have a constant bickering going on. One table vs. another table. Both making comments about how this one can not sing, how this ones hair is funny, this one looks silly............you get the idea. Its been going on since day one. Most weeks I dread going because its not fun, they are always doing this. We have spoken up a few times for it only to occur again and again. Now another issue is respect. Respect to others, respect to the adults, and respect to our flag and girl scout promise/pledge. There is none. When we say the pledge each week we always have to start over or correct the way one is standing or someone is doing something wrong, like sitting her butt on a desk instead of standing. Now I know they are only 10 going on 11 but they should know better. I feel like all I do is yell at my dd and correct her while the others continue to get away with it. The leaders dd is one of the worse as far as disrespect. Well last night she was not there but her dd was. The meeting was horrible, nitpicking at each other, calling things back and forth, and the straw that broke the camels back one of the girls began to write on the chalk board, a major no-no and the girls know this. She startes to write, I Hate........and we told her to erase it, and told her not to write on the board. We then went on to say that HATE was not a nice word and something we should all be working on together to not have around here when the leaders dd looks at me and says well I like the word hate. I tell her it's not nice and it hurts people. Well she looks right back at me, very fresh I will say and says well I still like it. I should have zipped my mouth there but I said that does not make you a nice person if you like to hate, to which she sarcasticly tells me she is a mean person and is proud of it. Then the girls start in again with their going back and forth and their nasty comments. I lost me temper and gathered them all around and yelled. Yes, yelled that I was sick of this behavior constantly going on and this was not the reason we were gathered together. I then went on to tell the girls if they have nothing nice to say to someone else then they should not say anything at all. You get the gist of the night. I did however look at the leaders dd and speak to her directly at one point and I have been told that I called her a rotten kid. I know...........I really do not remember calling her that but maybe I did. Heck the mother sure and sh*t never says anything to her. Well I spoke to the girls parents, who were there and filled them in. I was not proud of yelling at them and I apoligized but most understood and said sometimes they needed to be yelled at. Not the leader she is mad at me and said while she understand why I got mad I should not have yelled and I should never have said those things to her child. We obviously have different ways of raising our children and she is mad at me. She told me it might be a good idea if I took a break. So I said fine, I quit. Katie will not be going back either. I am not allowing my child to attend this kind of meeting where they continue to be mean and nasty. Mind you she does it too, and she is yelled at and punished. So I will not pretend she is innocent here. But if I found out she was disrespectful, especially more then once, I would have hoped the adult would have set her straight. I tryed to explain that our meetings should be fun and enjoyable. They should be coming together as a group to learn and grow from and with each other, not attack each other constintly. So now what do I do..............

Deb

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:49am

What an ordeal!

Lori

"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya.  We're all in this together." --Red Green

cl for Ask the

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:50am
i know it's hard sometimes to watch things get ignored - like basic respect. yelling at the kids won't help - but you knew that. yelling at her mom for not raising her better would be more appropriate, imho. (i have to admit that i sometimes wish i could just spank some of those parents...)

it sounds like it's been a really hard situation to deal with - and i know how easy it is to lose your head in something like that. it may be best to just find another troop for your girl - one where basic concepts like 'respect' are actually demonstrated...

Avatar for ive_got_five
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2001
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:52am
Deb, my heart goes out to you.

Firstly, I recall going to brownies and guides (same thing as Girl Scouts) and in our troops, discipline was huge. If you didn't tow the mark, you were asked to leave. The threat of being expelled was usually enought to wake everyone up. But, we also had alot of fun and learned a lot of stuff!!

It sounds to me like the leader of your group doesn't have alot of control over what happens. Sounds to me like her dd is running the show and the cause of much of the broohaha. I think that is incredibly rude for an eleven year old to speak to you in that manner and disregard what you've asked her to do. Yelling and name calling may not have been the best solution, but I can certainly understand your frustration.

Why did the two groups merge? Who decided that this lady should be the leader when you merged? I take it this girl was not part of your original group? Is there any possiblity of going back to the original groups? If not, I'd have to say find another activity that you and Katie can do together. If you aren't having fun, there is no point in being part of that group, and what is your daughter going to take home from it, other than how *not* to behave! You're right. Some people just don't have the same values when it comes to raising kids!

Sending a big hug your way. You are a good mom and I think you did the right thing pulling Katie out of there.

Shar

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:58am
Can't believe how rude that girl was to you!I agree with you that the meetings should be fun and enjoyable.Good luck with this situation. Let us know how it works out.

Miss P




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:10pm

Wow...do I ever feel for you.


 








 
Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:24pm
I have always been the assistant leader. Last year our leader, Donna took on a new job and was going to quit. She spoke to Carol (the mom I had trouble with this morning) about merging because Carol's assistants were quitting. Sounded like a good idea. But we had more girls then.............14. Carol does so much for the girsl, she is a SAHM and she does not mind doing it but when the girls start pulling what they have been its wrong. Carol is a mild person, very sweet and she allows her kids to walk all over her. There is no disaplin in her home, her kids dress like trash, are disrespectfull to her as well as other adults. Like I said its been going on for a while. Now just to add a twist to this. When the merging was going on, Donna had been offered to be replaced by sometone who was new to scouting and well she rubbed Donna the wrong way. So this lady went ahead and started her own troop and she took 2 of our girls with her because that mom became her coleader. Now this mom is kind of what a "dumb blonde" would look like if someone would ask what one looks like. Sweet lady but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Donna always had problems with getting her to remember to drop off forms or pick up cookies. Her daughters (twins) were equally as sweet. Not a mean bone in there bodies and I know in school they too have been having trouble with the same group of girls. These 2 ride at the same park as Katie and she has asked about joining their group. I am not sure who else is in this troop and if its is at all possible to for Katie to do this or if she still wants to. Me start my own troop now.......lol. First I don't have the time or energy. Especially now with doing both jobs, I will be out of the house now 5 day until July. Plus I am burnt out. I did 4 years with each of the boys doing Cub Scouts and this years makes it 4 years with Katie doing Girl Scouts.....the time has come. I know when enough is enough. I think what hurts me right now is my friend Donna did not stick up for me but said yes to everything this other leaders dd said. I think Donna could have stuck up for me a little, especially since she gets fustrated about this and her dd is going through a god awful time with one of the scouts. So awful that the girls are getting physical. Yes, phyisical, and she is trying her best to stay out of it. This sounds so pathetic its crazy.

Deb

Debbie

Avatar for imthebigsister
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:27pm
Deb - A non-mom weighing in here. I think you've done the right thing quitting and pulling Katie out of that dysfunctional troop, for several reasons. She was being exposed to behavior you don't condone, she would act up like the other girls now and then (which you don't have to put up with in your own home), and you said the girls were starting to act out agressively and physically. That's way over the line; I keep thinking of hazing and bullying and how it can escalate into worse, and it's just not right. Is Katie good and mad at you right now? I'm sure she'll feel relieved eventually to be out of that environment. You're not the parent of the entire troop; the parents should be lucky to have their daughters under your eye for a while and trying to do the right thing by them. OK, calling a kid a name might not have been the best thing to do, but you obviously reached the high point of frustration. Your friend Donna who's left behind with daughter-doormat Carol will probably walk away eventually.

You done good - don't worry about. You and Katie will find another activity to do together.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:06pm
Sorry about the "CL" hat - had to respond and didn't want to log out and log back in.

I've been in numerous troops, my mom has been a leader. There are good troops and good leaders, bad troops and bad leaders. I wholly agree that such disrespect should not be tolerated, and were I the troop leader I would talk to the parents, and if things didn't shape up, the girl would not be allowed to return. With the problem child being the leader's child, you know that's not going to happen. While yelling often doesn't accomplish the right thing, you are right in removing yourself and Katie from the troop. Find another troop - that's what my mom did for me in a dysfunctional troop one time. The troop I was in didn't teach us anything, it was more like an after school care program. When mom became an assistant leader, she saw what a troop could be and moved me to hers.












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