Why Women are Crabby

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
Why Women are Crabby
8
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 9:33am
I just got this in the mail - from my mom! Enjoy!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY



We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find

anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so

bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training

bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on

our backs.



Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along

with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone

crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert

tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.



Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for

the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your

uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with

his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the

fuss was about.



Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and

water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over

Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we

learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking

our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's

Baby.



Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and

we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the

dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the

middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in

pain all the way to the ER.



Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop

screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10)

good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the*****

(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed

10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.



After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all

that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking,

jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.



The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual

prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th

birthday.

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all

womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now

seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a

hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head

off anything that moves.



Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get

off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the

woods without soaking their socks...



Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a

tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this

to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make

them laugh a little...

Cussette src="http://pages.ivillage.com/cussette/cross_icon.gif" width=15>

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 9:55am
LOL!

Rhonda


Time invested in improving ourselves cuts down on time disapproving of others.

       ~~Rhonda~~


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Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:40pm
Thanks, this was cute!

Deb

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:53pm
I have decided when I get to Heaven, I'm going to smack Eve, since a lot of that is her fault for eating that stupid apple (roflmbo). Thanks for sharing that with us.

Alice - The Betty Boop

Avatar for imthebigsister
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:51pm
Alice, I've got a theory. I'm guessing that Eve is in the opposite direction of Heaven. I'm even going to guess that she's stoking the fires of he** and that's the reason women suffer from hot flashes....

Your health and exercise lecture sounded like a good one.

Cussette, thanks for posting this giggle. I can't vouch for the childbirth and childrearing parts, but everything else - yup!

Donna


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2001
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:19pm
Thanks for a good laugh for the day!

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2001
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:29pm
LOL....cute as can be.
Nancy/midlifegal
Nancy

"Make Choices that bring you joy"  cl-Patty


 


Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:41am
This just cracked me up. Give her a smack for me too!

Deb

Debbie

Avatar for dmm11730
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:42am
Oh Donna, I got such a laugh out of Betty's post and then to read yours. Great way to start off my morning. I love how you think!

Deb

Debbie