It has been 39 years with DH and he still doesn't listen. It is one of the biggest things that get between us. It isn't so much that I have to repeat myself, it is more that what I say is not important so he can just turn me off or just choose not to remember it. It happens repeatedly. I can even quote back to him what he answered when I originally told him something and in the words he would use so he knows I am not making it up. Also, don't tell him things while he is doing something else...men cannot biologically do more than one thing at a time. It is the way their brain is wired.
Very frustrating...once in awhile I "forget" something to show him what it feels like. Not very nice, but sometimes I just have to.
Re: Also, don't tell him things while he is doing something else...men cannot biologically do more than one thing at a time. It is the way their brain is wired.
Erin going on 27 years here I don't have the answer either. I will say they seem to remember what is most important to them though. I will say that if one of Bill's friends tells him about some car or part or race..........damn he remembers, mention that I have plans or bring home bring home bread, I get are you sure you told me that? I find with them it becomes a matter of convenentily forgetting stuff. I have been back to work for almost 3 years now and EVERY morning he says to me, what time are you working until today? Now I just answer until I get home because he does not remember.
Also, don't tell him things while he is doing something else...men cannot biologically do more than one thing at a time. It is the way their brain is wired.
I don't think this is true. My husband often juggles several things at once and very well.
Does he always hear me? Nope... But, he juggles well. It's not multi-tasking that's the issue, it's multiple inputs all at once. Men do tend to process verbal communication differently (and sometimes more slowly) than women. So, if they are concentrating on something else, it may be that they can't assimilate it and forget it more easily. My husband often gets lost in conversations I have with other women; he admits he can't keep up because he's processing item 1 and we're already onto item 4 :).
With my DH, sometimes if I think it's important, I'll say ..please stop what you are doing, I really need you to hear this.
I don't want anyone to think our communication is perfect; it's not - we do have listening/hearing issues for sure, but I've found a few things that work for me. With the help of our marriage counselor, I've learned a lot about how men process verbal communication.
Very interesting Judy! I think you have one of the few husbands that can juggle more than one thing at a time. I would love to meet him! I have to go and research more about the processing of verbal communication. Do you have a link where I could read more about this? I really would like to learn more. I have to start saving info when I find it. Most times it is magazines or newspaper and I just recycle it all right away.
There is research about men and the way their brain work. It has to do from way back when they were hunters. They could not be distracted when hunting for food so they biologically tuned every thing else out. It was a matter of life and death. I guess this is really the same thing as you described with multiple inputs. Think we were saying the same thing in a different way.
Love having "conversations" like this. Always share your views...your $.02. You also must have found a really good marriage counselor.
I do have a great marriage counselor! We have seen her together and individually for years (not consecutively), and all of us (inclding DD) have gone to group therapy sessions run by her and her practice partner (a man). So, I've gotten to learn things from both of them that I never knew!
My husband is much more adept at written communication and aside from being a man (lol) and having that slow processing issue, our therapists believe he actually has a biological disorder that makes his ability to process incoming communication much more difficult than most (he really struggles with things like IM where he could have multiple windows open...he simply can't deal with that). I think we probably were saying the same thing in a different way. Because of his particular glitch, I have had to learn how to communicate with him, and he has had to learn how to answer me the same day or tell me when he needs time to think of a response (before counseling, he'd just sit there, and I'd get so frustrated, I gave up entirely). And, another thing I've observed - he does not understand subtle, and as women, we're often trained to throw out hints or subtle thoughts. DH needs concrete - as I guess many men do...this I did not know. I have to say "I want to stop and get coffee" not "Do you want to stop and get coffee?" If he doesn't, he'll say 'no' he doesn't get the 'hint' that I really want to have coffee. I've had to retrain myself; I learned from a mom who was highly manipulative, and it's tough to 'unlearn.' Sometimes I wonder if my parents had gone to therapy and learned these things if their marriage would have been more peaceful.
I've read some articles by Deborah Tannen although I didn't read her book that was really popular a few years ago ("You Just Don't Understand" was the title). Her web page is http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/. She's a professor of Linguistics. I tried reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, the author's name escapes me, but I couldn't finish it.
The whole concept of the differences in men's and women's brains is fascinating to me. I am one who believes our brains are different (if we were the same, how much fun would that be?). (I don't mean different in men are smarter lol.) And as in all generalizations, there are people who fall on each end of the spectrum - so some men might be really, really good at conversation/verbal processing, some men may really struggle.
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It's a stressful time of year.
Judy
It has been 39 years with DH and he still doesn't listen. It is one of the biggest things that get between us. It isn't so much that I have to repeat myself, it is more that what I say is not important so he can just turn me off or just choose not to remember it. It happens repeatedly. I can even quote back to him what he answered when I originally told him something and in the words he would use so he knows I am not making it up. Also, don't tell him things while he is doing something else...men cannot biologically do more than one thing at a time. It is the way their brain is wired.
Very frustrating...once in awhile I "forget" something to show him what it feels like. Not very nice, but sometimes I just have to.
Grace
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to it until you get there.
Bob Proctor
Re: Also, don't tell him things while he is doing something else...men cannot biologically do more than one thing at a time. It is the way their brain is wired.
Aha!
Debbie
Debbie
I don't think this is true. My husband often juggles several things at once and very well.
Does he always hear me? Nope... But, he juggles well. It's not multi-tasking that's the issue, it's multiple inputs all at once. Men do tend to process verbal communication differently (and sometimes more slowly) than women. So, if they are concentrating on something else, it may be that they can't assimilate it and forget it more easily. My husband often gets lost in conversations I have with other women; he admits he can't keep up because he's processing item 1 and we're already onto item 4 :).
With my DH, sometimes if I think it's important, I'll say ..please stop what you are doing, I really need you to hear this.
I don't want anyone to think our communication is perfect; it's not - we do have listening/hearing issues for sure, but I've found a few things that work for me. With the help of our marriage counselor, I've learned a lot about how men process verbal communication.
Just my extra $.02.
Judy
Very interesting Judy! I think you have one of the few husbands that can juggle more than one thing at a time. I would love to meet him! I have to go and research more about the processing of verbal communication. Do you have a link where I could read more about this? I really would like to learn more. I have to start saving info when I find it. Most times it is magazines or newspaper and I just recycle it all right away.
There is research about men and the way their brain work. It has to do from way back when they were hunters. They could not be distracted when hunting for food so they biologically tuned every thing else out. It was a matter of life and death. I guess this is really the same thing as you described with multiple inputs. Think we were saying the same thing in a different way.
Love having "conversations" like this. Always share your views...your $.02. You also must have found a really good marriage counselor.
Grace
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to it until you get there.
Bob Proctor
My husband is much more adept at written communication and aside from being a man (lol) and having that slow processing issue, our therapists believe he actually has a biological disorder that makes his ability to process incoming communication much more difficult than most (he really struggles with things like IM where he could have multiple windows open...he simply can't deal with that). I think we probably were saying the same thing in a different way. Because of his particular glitch, I have had to learn how to communicate with him, and he has had to learn how to answer me the same day or tell me when he needs time to think of a response (before counseling, he'd just sit there, and I'd get so frustrated, I gave up entirely). And, another thing I've observed - he does not understand subtle, and as women, we're often trained to throw out hints or subtle thoughts. DH needs concrete - as I guess many men do...this I did not know. I have to say "I want to stop and get coffee" not "Do you want to stop and get coffee?" If he doesn't, he'll say 'no' he doesn't get the 'hint' that I really want to have coffee. I've had to retrain myself; I learned from a mom who was highly manipulative, and it's tough to 'unlearn.' Sometimes I wonder if my parents had gone to therapy and learned these things if their marriage would have been more peaceful.
I've read some articles by Deborah Tannen although I didn't read her book that was really popular a few years ago ("You Just Don't Understand" was the title). Her web page is http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/. She's a professor of Linguistics. I tried reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, the author's name escapes me, but I couldn't finish it.
The whole concept of the differences in men's and women's brains is fascinating to me. I am one who believes our brains are different (if we were the same, how much fun would that be?). (I don't mean different in men are smarter lol.) And as in all generalizations, there are people who fall on each end of the spectrum - so some men might be really, really good at conversation/verbal processing, some men may really struggle.
This is an interesting conversation!
Judy
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