OK who has the shovel?

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Registered: 04-06-2003
OK who has the shovel?
9
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:04pm
I guess you can figure out what I need and why! I really do not like him right now and we just exchanged words they go from being stupid boys to stupid men! Katie and I stopped at the shop after her lesson around 5:45, no customers were there just a friend of Billl's from the local body shop. So we come in and we were discussing where the boys were since they were expected to be in Fort Lauderdale and at the guys body shop any minute.......with that the phone rings. It's my older son saying they are there and my husband starts asking him questions about the car. I wanted to hang around to hear what was going on but Katie jumped off the bench and said I guess we should go. With that Bill says "get her out of here she is ________", not sure if he said annoying, hovering, whatever it was rude. So we just walked out. Well she starts to cry in the car saying that he does not love her and if she were a boy he would want to spend more time with her. He does not care about her riding or the love for horses and you know what she has a point to feel that way. I agree with her.....but of coarse he does not see it at all. I think that is why my FIL goes out of his way to pay extra attention to Katie. Anyway........Bill shows up home about an hour later angry at us! He says he has nothing to be sorry about that we "always" show up on Friday nights at the worst time.............crap we can not win. One night it's "why didn't you stop" another night it's the wrong time. Mind you no customers. She just wanted to see her dad and tell her about her lesson since she did not see him earlier in the afternoon and he usually does not get in until close to 9:00 on Fridays. I just told him he treated us like crap and it was rude of him. Needless to say it lead to some exchanging of words and now no words are being spoken between the only XY in the house and us girls............so back to my original question...............who has the shovel and can I use it? The ground is soft and muddy right now so I stand a chance if I act quickly!

Debbie

Debbie

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Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:28pm

Well she starts to cry in the car saying that he does not love her and if she were a boy he would want to spend more time with her.


Did you tell Bill what she said? I

Miss P




 

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Registered: 06-07-2005
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:39pm

OMG ... am I reading about me and DD and DH... is there some out of body experience going on here?!

Karen


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Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:42pm

After we argued he went upstairs to take a shower, she came out of the bathroom downstairs and she told me she heard us. I said that was fine that I only spoke the truth but I did not tell him what she said because you know what he needs to hear it from his daughters lips. Well after he gets out of the shower he goes into her room and asks her how her lesson was and she responded with.........why you don't care about my things................then she told him how she felt........"that if she were a boy, blah, blah, blah" He said you really don't think that do you and she said yes. He just walked out of the room, came down stairs and started watching TV. I know not saying a word to him is eating him up inside. The more I ignore and am not confrontational the more it bothers him. By tomorrow he will have apologized to me again and her because he will have slept with the knowledge he hurt her feelings, plus his stomach will be growling since I did not feed him Friday night!

Debbie

Debbie

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Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:46pm

Miss P




 

Avatar for dmm11730
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Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:47pm

Oh and another thing.................Most likely he just had things on his mind

Debbie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 12:42am

Good tactics, Debbie! Hugs to Katie (and you). I don't think parents realize how deeply something like that can hurt a child and stay with her/him throughout life. It sounds as though it's hard for Bill to show affection. Maybe that's why he's more comfortable with the boys. You know, you can punch them in the arm, give them a noogie, or cut them down, and they know they're loved!!! LOL! He'll be sorry. Girls are the ones who look after their dads when their older and need them!


I definitely agree about waiting for the stress to end is getting very old. Life is passing me by while I wait for things to get "normal" again. I'm thinking I'm just going to have to go out and fake normal, because it may never happen.


I still think a little Bobcat is much more efficient and easier on the back. ;-)

       ~~Rhonda~~


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Avatar for dmm11730
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Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 8:40am

Is there really an answer, some think that being self employeed is the best but little do they know..........I do not think they realize how much we really do know and understand. I also do not think they realize how much pressure they carry home and put on us. I know my husband has lots of it but some is self served and should the man ever realize this life would be different.


Let me say I know he loves her and would give her the world if he could. She knows it too! But relating to the boys is much easier because they love what he loves. It is simple. Had my boys been into computers and high finances the relationships probley would have been different. I guess the only way to say it is that Bill is old fashioned. I think he should have lived in the 1950's not born in the 1950's. He is so hard/think headed about rolls we play, chores we do, mens work, womens work..................etc. I know ladies shoot him now..........or blast me. I know I picked up where his mother left off but remember I was 20 when we got married and he was 23, we were kids ourselves and both our role models were traditional 50's parents...........you know that Beaver show! Bing I stayed home raising the kids for 19 years rolls get established. I was never the mother that handed her kids to the husband when he walked in the door. Rather I used to run around 30 minutes before he came home and tidied up the house, had dinner on the table and made sure the kids were finished with homework..........looking back I was STUPID, but I did not know any better. As I got older I realized he could help out too. Mind you after putting in a 12 to 14 hour day at the shop he was beat and was it fair to expect him to clean a kitchen table or to vacuum a room. My job was the kids and house and his was the shop and the outside................old fashioned right? But it worked for years and I do think it gave my kids a good base but since returning to the work world it has been an adjustment for all concerned. I think we have adjusted well, we all have lowered our standards with laundry, house work, dinners.........and we all have learned to chip in. But one thing remains is his boy time verses his girl time. Sometimes he thinks by just handing her a $50 and saying have mom take you shopping it fixes everything and I have explained to him it doesn't. She told him that if she was still racing he would spend time with her outside of their daily mornign trips to school. She is right and he needs to realize that she is. The truth hurts and I am not going to say another word to him regarding the situation. Although I will tell him later today, should we comunicate later that from now on neither of us will "pop" in to visit since our timing is "always" wrong as he put it. Don't expect us to consult him anymore when we make plans since he and the boys have thier own adgenda. I can not tell you how many times I have rushed back from something her and I were doing so we could do something with the boys. No more, I think some ignoring might be in order to see if he likes it. Which I know he does not. He thinks but paying for the horse monthly that is enough of a contribution but its not. He needs to drive her out there a couple times a month and watch her ride and I have to say this summer he IS going to have to do it because of my hours. Heck if he can take a day off for a racing trip and leave Billy in charge then he can leave early once a week and drive her out east for a few hours of horse back riding. He might even find he will relax a little and enjoy it............the saga will continue. Thanks for listening, today will be an interesting one!


Debbie

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Registered: 02-08-2001
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 9:04am

Deb,

You may borrow my shovel but I know that I'll be needing it back! I think Rhonda is right a Bobcat would be so much easier on the back!

My oldest has always felt like the outsider. DS is the only boy and when he was playing sports Dad was always there on the sidelines cheering away and once the sports phase ended it was their bond over cars. Then with younger DD they had similar interests in photography and she has the type of personality that is very even and always kept him on his mellow side and then there's the oldest who has many of the same personality traits and similar issues and not much to share between them. She's the one that has been lashed out against at times and even now when he's speaking to someone about the kids she's usually the last one mentioned. Again, like you, I know that he loves her and is proud of her accomplishments but she is very sensitive and feels that there is definitely something missing in their relationship. As she's gotten older is hasn't hurt any less. My DH is also thick headed and that whole 50's thing I think exsists in his mind as well. He doesn't quite get his role in helping with any type of housework. It's funny because when we were first married Saturdays were always spent jointly doing things like that and over the years holidays he always did his part. it seems over the past few years he feels that it's the kids responsibility but they're hardly home anymore and one has moved out and somehow his help and cooperation isn't needed. Again I raise the question, will the XY mind ever be understood?

I do hope that Bill puts some thought into his relationship with Katie. The distance between them will grow and it's always sad to see that bond between a parent and child disintegrate and it's something that the more time that passes the harder it is to heal.

Big hugs to you and to Katie!

Susan

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Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 10:53am

Debbie,


He doesn't have a clue.. well after Katie talked to him he probably does.. I do wonder if he knows what to do about it.

 


Deb/MN