My husband's truth...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
My husband's truth...
14
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 10:26am
Thanks to putting my mind to it and all of your words of encouragement, after two days of not eating healthly, I got back on track. I've been eating well and doing at least 10 minutes of treadmill a day. This morning my husband was telling me about this article he had read - something about the weight gains and losses of famous women. When I said that these women were more than just how much weight they've gained, he said they had all became lazy. I said, "do you think I'm lazy?" (thinking his answer would be no since I start my day ususally around 5:30 a.m. and don't stop until the end of the day around 10 or 11). However, my husband said, "Well, if you want an honest answer, I do. I think you've been lazy in not keeping yourself up and allowing yourself to "get like this" and not exercising more." He also went on to say that by allowing myself to get like this I have set a poor example for our daugthers. I am starting my own business, taking care of three kids, taking care of our house, keeping up our garden, and tending to our families and friends. And yet to my husband I am lazy. My conversation with him this morning confirms what I have thought he has felt about me but hadn't said until today. Although he has in the past said he thinks I'm beautiful, blah, blah, blah, this weight I have gained obviously and really negates that sentiment for him. How are you supposed to not feel like your weight doesn't define you when the person who is supposed to treasure you for all the good that you are apparently doesn't really because you've gained too much weight? At the moment, I feel very sad and very hurt...

peg

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 12:49pm

Peg,


Are you sure he meant it like it came out of his mouth,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 6:36pm
Well, if you want an honest answer, I do. I think you've been lazy in not keeping yourself up and allowing yourself to "get like this" and not exercising more."

This just goes to prove where your husband's priorities are. He is clueless as to what you've accomplished with having and taking care of your children. This is the hardest job in the world. It is hard mentally, and physically.

Let me ask you this. Does he help you out at all? Is he willing to take on more responsibility so you have time for yourself, and to exercise? Is he TRULY supportive?

What kind of shape is your husband in? Is he trying to hold you up to higher standard than himself?

And on another note, assuming that he is not a jerk, and is just clueless, as hurtful as his comments are, I think it is time he learned how to communicate without being so insensitive. I know I had to teach my husband how to talk to me. He used to be so insensitive and hurtful, and would not even bat an eye over it. And he usually is such a nice guy!! I remember one time he had the nerve to say to me, we were discussing having more children, and he said the cruelest thing like, "well, your body is already ruined, and you would have more kids, right? A ruined body is worth it!!" He thought he was being NICE!!

I do not know what to tell you, because I do not know your husband. Is he normally a nice guy? Or, are there a lot of comments he makes, designed to tear you down. A lot of time, men are intimidated by their superwoman partners, and try to find a way to make them feel like something lesser.

men, men, men. They are so clueless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:50am
Hi Peg,

I can really empathise with you :( I am going through what I hope is a stage in my marriage also, which is really making me wonder a, what is really the problem, and b, am I going to put up with this for the rest of my life !

I do hope you can pick yourself up, and keep going. Do it for yourself - not for him.

Anyhow, just wanted to know you are not alone, I know how hurtful comments can be.

Hang in there,

Hope tomorrow is a better day

Sadie

XX

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 9:09am
Okay just to play devil's advocate and I'm not trying to be remotely mean. But I don't think your husband was trying to be hurtful to you. First of all you asked him if he thought you were lazy. He heard "Do you think I am lazy regarding exercising" Since that was the topic you were discussing, you weren't discussing your daily regimen of taking care of three kids, keeping the home great, starting a business, being social butterfly to all your friends etc. and so forth, it was specifically about exercising and your weight. So therefore that is the answer you got. I don't think he doesn't notice everything else you do nor was he trying to negate it, his specific answer of you being lazy was about your weight and exercising.

Its hard for people to lose weight and its even harder for someone that it has never really effected. Ask someone whose been thin all their life what they think I should do to lose weight and they say "eat less and exercise" and when I say to them what I eat on a regular basis and that I exercise daily they are like "Oh you should be a size 2" NO SH** SHERLOCK!!!! There is no concept of the struggles you go through to lose the weight etc.

Maybe his wording was insensitive but you attached the lazy part to every other aspect of your life and that's not what he was saying. So you are technically making a mountain out of a molehill. You're spinning it into a huge aspect of your life when he was referring to one little one. He also is not saying he doesn't love you the way you are at all, if he didn't love you for who you are, he'd be nagging you everyday, not wanting to be seen with you or even threatening to leave you (trust me I've seen it happen) He loves you. Lets face it, if you are a lot heavier, your health is at risk and he wants you to be happy.

Also, what he said is partly true about children. It isn't so much that your children see you heavy and think its okay, however the constantly yoyo dieting or talking badly about yourself or putting yourself down for eating cake say at a party, that all gets engrained in childrens brains, and girls especially end up in the same vicious cycle that their mothers are in concerning weight. I have been through it, my mother constantly dieted all her life, and now I am the same way and statistics show that someone that isn't accepting of their weight, is constantly yoyo dieting to lose weight, binging, putting themselves down for their weight, it totally affects their childrens perception of what is exceptable and stuff.

I think your hubby was honest about that one aspect. Don't make it him calling you lazy about everything else you do.

Sorry if this doesn't help you, but I don't believe in just telling you things you want to hear, I try to see it from both peoples sides. And lets face it, men aren't good with words. Never ask a man something you don't want to hear that absolute truth about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 12:24pm

Well I'm sending you some hugs becaues regardless of how he meant it, it was hurtful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:12am
Man-Honest...LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:26am

Good Morning Peg- I hope that the remainder of your weekend improved, along with how you were feeling! I think the others have all said it so well- men sometimes have difficulty expressing thoughts, and in do so it can become insensitive, but not entirely what they mean...


Have you had a chance to re-talk this situation with your dh? Did you tell him about how you felt your day was, ie. not lazy at all ("I start my day usually around 5:30 a.m. and don't stop until the end of the day around 10 or 11.

_____________________________________________________

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 7:37pm
That is a hard pill to swallow and I'm sending you hugs. I don't think that your husband meant that you are a lazy person in general...just that you let yourself go..that you are "lazy" when it comes to fitness. It is still a hurtful thing to hear. My husband used to make comments about my eating habits all the time and eventually it ate away at my self esteem like you wouldn't imagine. Thing is, you are not lazy and you know it...so lets get that straight right away. You want to lose weight and get healthy for YOU...FOR YOU...FOR YOU!!! This isn't for anyone else, even your husband. So do what you have to do to reach your goals and then give him a big "IN YA FACE"....Use this hurtful experience to fuel you....okay? Don't let it sabotage your goals. That is what I did, and honestly my husband's opinion means diddly to me anymore. I'm sporting a size 6 butt and I'm proud of it. Worked so hard to get here but nothing tastes better than skinny!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 7:51pm
"nothing taste better than skinny"

I love it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 8:40am
<<>

I'll have to disagree because Swiss Colony's Cherry Cheesecake is much better tasting. LOL

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