Unrelated Topic - But here it goes
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| Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:57pm |
Long story short, horrible now ex-husband, who used to torture our child, during divorce proceedings was given a very liberal visitation schedule. He used this time to torture my kid some more, and finally I got so fed up, I spent my lifes savings to get his rights terminated as a father.
Since then, me and my son have not heard from him, and for the first time in ourlives, we are actually happy.
Then, out of nowhere, my ex was searching the net, and found my company on the internet, and contacted one of the info emails, asking if this was me, and how he wants to see our son.
I am so in rage, there is no way I could ever look or even speak to that man again. I forwarded the email to my family, and they agree, that they are not convinced that he even cares about his son. And because of all the animosity that exists between us, that it would be a good idea we do not see him, ever.
Even though he abused my son, my son still brings him up from time to time, and the other day, my son requested a visit to see his dad, as long as me, and his new adopted dad, would be around to protect him.
I know that emotionally, i just can not handle seeing him again. He is such a monster. The second my son sees him, its is just going to make him flashback to all the abuse. Athough I wonder what the effects of keeping natural abusive dad away, will have on him when he gets older.
A part of me really wants to stick to my guns, of not seeing him. And just letting my son find him when he turns 18, if he so inclines. i just can not handle it emotionally. My ex will always be abusive, and do something stupid, the second I let my guard down. One time, he even kidnapped my son, and did not bring him back for two weeks. My son missed school, and we had to go into therapy.
What are your thoughts? Why in the world does my son want to see this monster? He is afraid of him, which is why he is requesting seeing him, as long as me and his adopted dad are their, watching, since he admitted that in the past, during the visits, when I left, his father would turn evil and start yelling and screaming, and sometimes hitting him.
I know this to be true, because he would the same thing while we were married. The whole town thought he was some kind of mayor, and oh what a great guy he was, and behind closed doors, he is total monster. I can not beleive how he tricked the judge!!

Oh my gosh, what a horrible situation to be in.
Unfortunately, I do not think I can emotionally handle seeing my ex again, and unfortunately, against the councel of my adoption attorny, that says it is not good to keep my son away from a natural parent, I just think in this case, being that there is so much pain involved, that I will have to let my son make his own decision, when I am not involved, like when he is eighteen. I've came to the conclusion, that if my son has some sort of resentment against me, because I could not deal with his abusive dad, then I guess I will have to take what ever happens.
You are right. If I was going to go the route of seeing my ex, and doing the whole supervised visitation thing, we would have to go to the psychologist, and prepare my son, and educate him on his natural parents problems. (which he is aware of)
But frankly, I more interested in moving forward with the more positive aspects of our new lives. I mean after all, it is our jobs to protect our children. His father made a choice, of not wanting to get help ever, (still in denial) why should we all have to suffer?
Oh Sediqua, my heart hurts for you and your son for this is a terrible situation to be trapped in.
Oh my-- what a situation to be in! My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time Sediqua. I think Miranda and Stef have given you some great advice.
Here's my two cents on the whole situation....how old is your ds? Do you feel he is old and mature enough to make up his own mind about seeing 'dad'? (I tend to agree when you say he can do this when he's 18, but I think it would also depend on how old he is now....and how realistic he is thinking of what will be after the meeting...)
Also, does your ds talk about 'dad' often? Or has he been a topic of conversation recently because of him getting in touch with you?? I also think that if your ex has changed and is really sincere about seeing your ds that he would maybe have gone a different route about seeing his son. Like perhaps though the courts and proper routes....rather than getting in touch with you personally over the Internet.
I would also strongly encourage you get some legal guidance on this and to speak with a therapist. From what I've read here you are still struggling with dealing with the past too, and would think that your feelings are being passed on to your ds (and I in no way blame you for the resentment/hurt/caution you have, just feel that a therapist could help you with them and in coming up with a decision/plan).
Prayers & Positive Thoughts
HUGS ~IG
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Oh dear, this is a tough situation and
Fear
May I ask why you haven't continued his therapy? Just because the father is out of the picture, doesn't mean he's cured. It just means it's out of sight.
If you have continued and I missed that part, sorry.
I have no advice for you as I wouldn't know what to do either.
~Cher
As far as my child is concerned, he has put his natural father into the category of "crazy" and "madman" and to some extent, understands his father is incapable of being nice to ANYONE, as he has witnessed such horrible behavior from his father to others. I guess that is why he wants me around the visits, to protect him.
But I would rather not put my son in ANY harms way, if I can help it.
I feel like I have already given this monster every opportunity to turn his life around, but only does so to make a showing of it, only to take advantage again.
I hope my son will some day understand and appreciate what he DOES have, two loving parents, and some day, understand how much I love him, and protected him. Many abused children have parents that are powerless to even get themselves out of the situation, and basically tell the kids to live with it.
I did not go that route, but now the flip side, is that he may wonder about his natural dad from time to time. I guess I will have to take that chance. But I am leaving the ties severed, until my son is 18, and then, he is free to do what he wants. By then, he will be big enough to protect himself.
I really do appreciate all your posts on this difficult topic. My husband refuses to have this conversation, AGAIN, after all the trials, the social workers, and supervised visits, the cops, etc.. Talking about it just makes him so sick and tired, and he is so glad it is over.
But from time to time, when my son has a flashback, and starts to crying about his ex-step mom, (she abruptly took off and left my ex, and took his dog, and his 1/2 sister) sometimes I wonder if and what I should do about it. In the past, I've taken him to counselors, but they usually do not proceed any further. Normally it is because my son does not show signs of obvious trauma, but I know it is there. He appears to be thriving, at least now, and he feels safe. In the past, he would be afraid to leave us, for fear of never being returned. (due to the abduction) Or, one time, my husband was on a business trip, and when he did not come home, my son thought he left us. (which is what happened with his step mom) It appears things have gotten better with time, and without horrible intrusions from the monster.
Best Wishes ~IG
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