Launch Your Personal Comeback

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Launch Your Personal Comeback
10
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 5:28pm

I was at Oprah.com and saw this and thought it was kind of relevent to what we try to do here.


http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/ss_lybl_letgo.jhtml

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:14pm

Gretchen, that's such a neat section!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:35pm

Y'know, when I was over on the divorce board, I saw this a lot. Women, who were young, didn't know who they were, or they measured their worth, by what role they were playing, and very commonly, they played the role of wife or mother, but rarely did they ever play the role of themselves.

Me and a handful of others saw this over and over again, and we always wondered, WHY do we women, put everyone everything else before us? Why do we put our husbands, kids, jobs, "duties" ahead of our own well-being. And I think, we all came to the same conclusion. Women are givers, for the most part. We are brought up to give to other ppl. To do for other ppl. We are brought up to serve. And sadly, that's what we do. we serve everyone but ourselves.

So, on that board, the biggest thing we'd tried to teach ppl, is to find themselves. Because when you marry young and divorce young, you ARE lost. And most women, didn't even know who they were because they were John's gf/w for so long, and never Jane Doe. They were Johnny's mom, not Jane Doe. And when they got divorced, poor Jane, couldn't remmeber who Jane was.

So for myself. I am relearning a lot of things. Although I was myself with my xbf, I came to realize a huge thing. golf. I like to golf. I enjoy golfing, but I only golfed to spend time with xbf and golfed because it was "our" thing. I don't care to golf anymore. I have no desire to hit the range. Go find ppl who would/could golf with me. I wanted to take lessons, but yet, I don't care. Because, golfing was something to do WITH him.

But I am finding passions of mine again, like reading. I love reading. I've missed reading. Granted, I hope I don't ruin my eyes (had LASIK), but I love it. lol.

So, here's to my personal comeback, in taking care of my HEALTH (all this exercise and eating better), in taking care of my loves (reading, being alone, etc), in taking care of my well-being. :) Thanks for the reminder. I may not have lost myself so much with my xbf, but I know I wasn't fully doing the things I could've done for ME, like I wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 4:32pm
Thanks for posting that link Gretchen-- I did see some of that show, but missed a lot of it. Busy phone ;-)

~IslandGirl


Happy November!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 4:35pm

Sounds like you learned a lot over there Cher. And it's all so true, I think women in general do put things for themselves on the back burner and take care of others first!


Something worth remembering when we feel a little drained.....

~IslandGirl


Happy November!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 10:37am

I totally agree thanks for sharing that! I've been a wife and mother my entire adult life. I think I have a pretty great family and think they care about me a lot but often find myself saying "Hey what about me?!?!"


I've really had to make a conscience effort to do things for myself because I use to spend a lot of time like you doing the things that everyone else wanted to do. I want them to be happy so I'm always inclined to pick what they would want. If we were going out to eat, no Chinese, if we were going to a movie I'd like to see XYZ but don't think everyone else will enjoy it so pick what will make everyone else happy.


It's been hard for me to except but that my husband really isn't interested in the things that I am nor does he really care to make the effort. I can really let that piss me off too. Not sure that it should. I do make an effort to have friends that share my interest to fill in those needs but for some reason still makes me a little nuts that he doesn't even care how far I ran today or what I'm reading. I thought if I spent time encouraging and learning about his interest I might get that back. I can't decided if I have a right to expect that or not.


So I'm determined to pursue the things that I want while trying to keep the whole family thing in balance yet not letting it suck the life out of me either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 12:01pm

Cher and Gretchen, what you said is so true!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 5:08pm

aw, hugs on your DH. I would ask him to be more supportive. But, you can only ask, not expect. Sometimes, you have to just accept them as is. And yes, being a wife and mother, that's normally the roles you tend to play, so do what you want.

BTW, I would rent movies that only "he" wanted too, until I said screw it and rented BOTH types of movies. lol. I just started doing things again for myself. Instead of making his life easier, I'd make mine easier.

i.e. with xbf, I gave him the "good drawer" in the bathroom. WTF! He was there 2-3 days on the weekend and I lived there 24/7. So I switched drawers. He still got one, which I think it a big deal to begin with, but I took the more accessible one cuz i'm there everyday. lol. so stupid. but that's me. and many of us.

we just have to remmeber to care for US too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 5:33pm

Oh, there you go, perfect. Parents are supposed to sacrifice everything. Sooo many ppl think that, especially women. However, I soooo disagree. And I'm grateful I do. And weirdly, it has nothing to do with not wanting kids. lol. I mean, yes, you have to reprioritize your life when a baby enters your world, but that does not mean, you have to give up EVERYTHING for them.

i.e. a big debate was a child's education. Many women (and men) I know, said they'd sacrifice newer cars, vacations, so they could pay for their child's education. My debate was, they have loans, free money, grants, etc they can get. And then, my second debate is....you're going to put your child's life at risk with an older car, you're going to take away your child's fun and take away their vacations? And there were many other examples. lol. I'd rather take my kid anywhere to teach them things, versus saving for college. cuz I think real life experience is more important than NOT getting school loans.

but the point is....i think when a parent sacrifices everything for a child, they are also taking away from the child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:12pm

I really hate to quote Dr. Phil but he does have good points.


He said that or something like children are invited into your relationship and that as adults it's okay to make your relationship and yourselves a priority. One, this will set an example to the child that it's okay to make themselves a priority. Now this in no way means to jeopordize your childrens up bringing for your wants and needs. Obviously if you had children they would be one of your wants and needs. If we are sensibly speaking one should not be sacrificed for the other. The key is finding the balance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:19pm

Balance.