Someone, just put me down....
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| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:42am |
I have to remind myself with a BIG NOTE, NEVER EVER weigh yourself in the morning, PERIOD!! I was up at 6:30 and well, my day was ruined when I got on the scale and have since gained 3lbs since last week. WTF!
It doesn't matter, you can all ask me what I've been doing and I'll say, "eating cookies". I swear, what is wrong with me. I have seriously considered going to a hypnotist. I'm hungry all the time, I am craving sweets, I have no energy to work out because of my overly packed schedule, and I fit in some sort of work out anyways, and so I'm tired and burning out and well....
I think that's just it. I hit rock bottom. With the wedding coming up, me wanting to look good and ENJOY Hawaii in a cute bathing suit, I'm about ready to just starve myself and see what happens in 4 weeks. It's sad, but I'm starting to feel desperate. I was thinking this morning, maybe binging/purging for two months isn't as bad as it seems. Maybe I should get nicotine patches because ppl who smoke lose weight. Maybe I should buy those $100 pills and pop them, who cares if I get no sleep because I'm so jittery. Etc, etc, etc.
I sit here and I wonder. What am I fighting? I work hard and lose weight. And now, at my age, I'm beginning to realize, I will FOREVER have to work out everyday for 30-60 mins and do weights to remain in shape. Once I stop working out, seriously, I start packing on the weight again. It'll be a never ending fight and I think that's why I just give up. What's the point? I'm not the type of person that wants to say, "I'll see you at 9pm, because I'm going to go work out, but wait, by that time, I'll be tired, so nevermind". Basically, I have no life.
How do you guys do this? If I work out for an hour, plus say 15 mins weights, by the time I eat, let's assume it takes 15 mins to make something, it's almost 9pm. Then I have about

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That vent was probably very good for you. I reached my breaking point a few weeks ago. It was about time to go to the Tuesday night HKD class, SO told me it was time to go (he was hanging out with me). I started out on a rant about how I always do what I'm supposed to do, I go to class and don't skip. I eat salad and carrots...and on and on I went that night. And then I cried.
I didn't go to class. After I calmed down, I did a good workout, by myself. I really wanted to be by myself.
I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. You have school and a relationship and a wedding and concerns about your progress. Try to take it one day at a time. I know that won't magically give you another hour in your day, but it will give you a break from carrying the weight of weeks and months in one day's time.
How much longer will you be in school? Remember, it won't be forever, and once you get that job or career you want, perhaps your days will be more open, and you will be able to exercise at a reasonable hour and still be home with your husband. I'm going to have to figure out where I can workout too, since I usually devote at least an hour to it right after work. I think I'll be getting up early so I can spend time with my new husband in the evenings. Not my idea of a good time, but maybe I'll get used to being
Unfortunately, I blamed TOM for the weight gain from the other week. So, nope, I'm not due and being on BCP's, I'm very regular. I think it's because it's spring break and I want to relax, but I can't. I have schoolwork to do, I should work out, etc. My bf asked me THREE F'ing TIMES if I'm supposed to read for school. I was like, "how many times do I have to tell you I'm on spring break, so NO, I don't have to read". I finally just told him to go away, because obviously, he wanted me to be out of the room. I just left the room. He followed, I just left that room. Damn that 600sqft apt. lol. Too small.
Honestly, I'm sick of "wanting to be near him" because he's interefering with my life and working out. I don't have time to do things, because I'm always "entertaining" him. Well, things are going to change. lol. I'm coming home Friday, and goig to the gym. "you're hungry and skipped lunch? too bad, not my problem". Saturday, instead of going out, I'm going home and working out. Sunday, he can do whatever he wants, I mean, it's not like he helps me do the laundry, vacuum, clean, etc. I should send him home like I was before. As much as I hate for him to leave, it's a waste of MY time for him to stay.
More venting. :) ahhh................
But you're right, we're always trying to do the right thing. Do the right thing. Eat right. Eat this, not that. eat that, not this. BF will decide he wants to lose 5-10 lbs and eat salads at lunch and bam, gone in 2 weeks. Pisses me off. lol. But then again, it's not like he's really overweight. See, right now, in this mode, I wish i could just go run. I could burn off this anger. But nope. I'm stuck at work for another 9 hours. And by the time those 9 hours are up, I just wanna go home and sleep because I won't be angry. I'll just be depressed.
Good luck on the waking up early. I wake up at 6am. I can't wake up any earlier, because I still wouldn't be able to sleep any earlier. So I'd just be cutting into my sleep. Which sadly, I was living off of 8 hours nicely. Now, I barely get in 6. Because of working out, I'm so UP that I lie in bed until 12 or 1 and waking up still at 6. Bleah.
I just wanna go home and sleep again. Go back to bed and hide from the world. But I had to come in because one of my bosses need me to work on something. Otherwise, I think it would've been nice to take a day off. Seriously, it's getting to that point. Where I take a day off, to get some rest. I'm not rested anymore on the weekends.
I just thought of something...maybe I'm on ppl overkill. When I get overwhelmed with people and don't get any "quiet" time, I start to get really bitchy, irate, depressed, I dont' sleep well, etc. Jeez, how am I going to live with my bf? I mean, I seriously LOVED my downtime when we were apart (broken up). I missed him and wanted him back, but damn, I loved the time I had to read, workout, make dinner when I wanted to, etc.
I think I just found my answer. I need to make time for me, and do what *I* want, not what HE wants. if he's bored, he can go out and do something alone. I tend to push myself instead of resting, because I know he gets bored easily at home. SCrew it. I'm not entertaining him for the next how many years. :)
I'll try that this weekend. See how I feel.
Oh Cher-- my heart goes out to you! But perhaps Lorie is right, this vent is what you needed to do. (It made me feel guilty for not being so good about my own exercise schedule...I don't have half the things you are contending with at the moment and I still don't get my lazy bee-hind off the couch, or whatever, as much as you!!)
You're on Spring break this week right? Are you also at a loss as to what to do with yourself with some 'spare time' perhaps??
Though I don't really have advice for you, I am certainly offering support and encouragement. You are a terrific person! Take one day at a time- do what you can, be thankful at the end of the day- wake up the next day to start a brand new, fabulous day.
Hang in there honey!
Every achievement starts with a little legwork!
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I think the problem with this week is.....I have so much time, I keep thinking of all the things I need to do and what i want to do. I mean, I wanted to go buy a new pair of shoes this weekend, and know where they are and know they have them, etc. But we didnt' go. I put all my stuff on the backburner, so I can entertain K and not have him do "my" things. It's lame, I know. I todl him I have ot stop doing that, because it makes my week even busier. Like I'm running errands and stuff DURING the week. I could and should be doing it on the weekend.
So, this week, no school. I keep thinking of the million things I need to do, or get done, or whatevers. I did one thing so far. lol. I cancelled an appt. Woohoo.
Thanks. I am trying to take it one day at a time, but I also know, I have a million things to do and to get done. And I have this week to do it, because it is the easiest week. School is only going to get tougher and require longer hours outside of class. As it is, it's not like I have much time outside of class. AND I start another class next week (online), but that's even more time taken away.
Inke:
Your situation sounds very much like mine...
I was in school FT from my engagement to this past February. I have always worked a fullt time job. I will be married 7 years in August. It can be done. It will make you feel crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my education for the world. It is something no one can ever take from you. Understand that you are doing it for yourself and that is it not easy, no one is handing out degrees.
That said, I STILL suffer from not taking time out for myself. I need 8 hours of sleep, my husband only needs 5. I have sacrificed an early bedtime for years. Sometimes I still do. I also don't make enough time for myself. You have to just do it. You schedule time for study, eating, and work, you need to schedule time for yourself.
I also appreciate the need to be alone. My husband is a really touchy feely person. I am not, I can be very distant. He wants to be together and 'do' things, sometimes I just want to be alone. You need to find a way to share this need with your fiancé before you flip your lid and then are unable to ask for this time in a way he will not take offense to. I think that guys are needy in general... (who me?) We have to be strong and understand that they WANT us to help them understand what is right. I think they are fully aware of our power, talent, and intelligence. As soon as you embrace these elements of your character, he will follow suit. Stand your ground and express your needs. Make sure you take the time to discover what these needs are, OK?
LASTLY...about the wedding... A year before I was married, I WAS HOT. I was also lucky enough to be in my husband's sister's wedding. A year later I was 10 lbs heavier (medication and lack of EXCERCISE) and my husband was 10 lbs lighter from working a summer camp and hiking daily with kids. MY POINT????? No matter what you look like it's going to be beautiful. YOU are the woman he wants to marry. Stressing yourself about it is only going to make it more difficult (easier said, I know). Just do what you can and appreciate this special time in your life. You will only have one wedding (we all hope, right?) so take time to appreciate and embrace all that you are and all that you and your husband will be together.
idea...can you walk during lunch? Surprisingly enough excercising does give you more energy once you can maintain it. You will also sleep better, which has proven to be an aide to weight loss. There has been a lot published lately on the benefits of a complete nights sleep and one of them was weight loss.
Good Luck!
Taz
Thanks Taz.
Well, I do have a degree (worked FT/PT and went to school PT during it all) and finally was able to have 3 years off, no school. So going back, has been hard. Mostly because I miss my relaxation time. I have been "on the go" since I was 18. I got 3 years of rest, it was nice. I miss it. lol.
As for him needing me, for him, it's more about needing human companionship, it doesn't necessarily need to be me. It's just prefered to be me. So, I know he may have felt slighted when I wrote the email, but I did preface it with, "i'm in a bitchy mood". lol. I hope he understood it wasn't him, so much it was me.
About the weight. I know he'll love me (unless I get grossly obese), but wedding one, I was 135, wedding two I was 155, wedding three, I'll probably be 145. I would really love to be 125 in ONE of the photos. Or heck, I'd even kill to be 135 again. It's not about him loving me, it's more about me looking at the photos and WANTING to look at them, instead of dumping them in the trash, because i'm disappointed with my weight. It's more about me.
Again. All of this is about me. Me stressing. Me doing everything. Me taking it all on. Who's booking the flight, the honeymoon, the hotel, the wedding coordinator, the florist? Who's trying to find a dress, and later, who'll be looking for an apartment? Me. I know I will. I do enjoy it, but at the same time, yes, it does stress me out. And then I come crashing down. (and to think, this is how I was normally back in the day, no wonder I was so thin, lol).
Just me venting. Please, everyone, dont' take what I"m saying to heart
Oh Cher - I just want to give you a hug and tell you everything will get better - but honestly you DO have a lot on your plate and it CAN be overwhelming, so I will just say that you are working towards some fabulous goals that in the long run will payoff big time!!
My suggestion (and only because I am a crazed list-a-holic) would be to make some lists like:
Wedding
School
Workout
Errands
Me
Make Invitation List
Read Assignment 1
1/2 walk
Get Groceries
Get my nails done
Buy Shoes
Do Assignment 1
25 situps
Vacuum
Spend 1/2 hour reading
Order Flowers
Organize Notes
30 pushups
Dust
Take a Bath
Hugs!
I have had no motivation myself and I know exactly how you feel. Daylights savings is coming up on the second, my period is this week, I feel like a huge slug on a log and a fat loser.
Hugs!
THat's the best I can do babe!
I do believe that unamed thing would be AR, OCD, or mabye Type A. lol. :P I love lists. I started making one this morning (thank gawd it's been a busy day, so I don't look at it).
Unfortunately, I have time limits, so I think I need to break it down by time and general. :) But yes, I'll be making my lists....because I'm a total Type A planner. lol
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