health and fitness...the inner journey
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| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:44am |
i don't usually get involved in message boards, i'm much more of a lurker than a poster. i dunno what it is about this place tho, for some reason it seems to be calling my attention. i haven't read much yet, but just the energy here is compelling to me somehow, so i think i'll stick around awhile, see just what/why/how i might find a way to participate here.
there are some things 'they' don't tell you about this journey, things that can be conveyed in words but must be experienced first hand before comprehension....i guess i'm wondering if i might somehow be able to share more about my inner experience along the way, we can all find the latest scientific info on the hows and whys of physical weight loss, but in my(notsohumble)opinion.....the weight loss industry is set up by design to make you and me and everyone.......FAIL! it would not be a multi billion dollar industry if what they sell you actually worked!
ahhh, i have so much to say about this, but my arrogance and ego so often precede my 'good intentions'. wishes are for pennies and good intentions are for those that know no better....
but i'd like to try anyway, share of me with you and share of you with me, if you feel so inspired.
since the mind is so complusive about statistics and facts...i will tell you a few now, just to get them out of the way. such mundane trivialities do indeed, serve purpose.....in degree. in all honesty, i have come to believe that these external measures of validation and 'success' are the traps and downfalls that more often than not, lead to 'failure'.
ok...i'm 41, 5'5" and currently 166 pounds, a comfortable size 10. at my heaviest, i was 185 pounds, squeezing out of a size 16. i knew i was overweight, but i really had a hard time seeing my own body realistically. i thought i 'wore it well', for height and body frame size. if you look at online tables, i think my bmi is around 28 which is considered above ideal, but not really obese. i dont think its accurate tho, i've been resisting taking more measurements, but i will be having a body composition test done in a couple weeks, i've been lifting weights and putting on muscle mass so i know my lean body weight is much heavier than it was, i am wearing clothes from 15 years ago (classics, and also some things i kept for inspiration 'try ons'.....which didn't work btw, lol) that fit me when i weighed 145 pounds.
one day i ran into an old (cute) friend from high school. he asked me when i was 'due'.
ummm......talk about a reality bite, lol, that one tore a chunk out of my gut. he was probably more embarrassed than i was, his face turned really red when i said i wasn't pregnant, he apologized profusely, then slunk away with his gaze lowered. that was almost 4 years ago. kelly did me a huge favor that day, i'd love to run into him again now, to thank him for that blunder....
i could go on and on with personal anecdotes. and probably will on another occasion, lol. but one of the things i'd like to talk about before i get into this deeper...is attitude.
immediately the concept brings up polarity, an assessment of either positive or negative attitude. yes, it is important to be honest with yourself here, and take a close look at your attitudes about yourself, your life, your goals, expectations.....
do you have a positive or negative attitude towards any/all of these things? surely we have all assessed and addressed our negative attitudes, determined to get rid of them adopt more positive attitudes in their place.
would it surprise you if i told you that i beleive that not only was it my negativ attitudes that kept me from reaching my goals in health and fitness, but also my positive attitudes?
smiling....
that was a turning point in my life when i finally figured that out. when i finally realized that my 'positive' attitudes were just as huge if not moreso, obstacles in the way of my success as my negative attitudes were.
the name of the game is not polarity......the compulsion to think in terms of either/or, this/that, good/bad.......is the bicycle itself of the wheel spinning we all do unconsciously.
identifying the polarity in your thinking is key. finding the 'middle road'...has been and continues to be the straightest and purest pathway for me on this journey.
i continuously strive for and consciously attempt to maintain neither positive or negative attitude, but NEUTRAL attitude. it is a practice that allows me to remain detached from circumstances, events, my own grooved patterns of behavior and habitual tendencies. to label any of these things as right or wrong, positive or negative, succesful or failure......is to miss the point and deny the experience completely.
so you 'fell off the wagon' over christmas and overate. despite your determination to stay positive, you are disappointed with yourself now, and label yourself a failure....lazy, undisciplined, unworthy.
you are none of those things, what you are, is unconscious.
the practice of keeping a neutral attitude is one that allows for much opportunity to 'see' what is really happening in the inner realms. it allows for a 360 degree viewpoint, in which you can see that perhaps you overate because your mother in law is doing that thing she does, normalizing the abnormal, pretending everything is fine, and so instead of sticking a fork in the back of your hand, you stuff your mouth with food to keep quiet and keep emotions at bay because you are afraid of confrontation and the stuff it will bring up for you. for example. ummm, for example, in my case, lol. but happy to say....not this year....;)
what i discovered it that a negative attitude allows overeating by allowing you to deny and rationalize and justify all the reasons you overeat/underexcercise. a positive attitude....allows exactly the same thing. just with a smile on your face and an air of happy apathy.
in both cases, one is asleep, making unconscious choices out of grooved patterns of behavior and habitual coping mechanisms.
i suppose most people feel that in order to 'believe in themselves', they require a 'positive' attitude. i want to make it clear that i am not here to say that 'my way' is a 'better way'. my way is another way, one that finally finally finally really has brought me closer and closer to fulfilling my potential in human form, in physical, mental and spiritual terms. i have moved beyond 'beleif' in myself, i have no need for it at all, all i have to 'do'...is keep a neutral and detached attitude, and the rest simply takes care of itself.
i'm not sure if any of this is reaching anyone or making sense to anyone, it is difficult for me to move past my own vaingloried efforts when i communicate, but i welcome the opportunity to share as humbly as i can, knowing full well my own ego is still at the helm.
i think i should stop now, and invite comment or question, to be honest i am kinda sorta a bit ok really a lot socially inept on message boards, i start writing with the intent to speak to 'you', but in the end, it's somehow me that i am talking to all along, perhaps the need to hear my own voice, like i said, my ego precedes me in....everything i do.
a good nite to all.....

Thank you for taking the time to post that Breathein! It's wonderful that you found your path, and made all those realizations......
I think I will have to sit down to really read over it again, some of it I had to double read- to ensure I was getting your idea right ;-)
Personally I think having a positive attitude is needed- though perhaps that's not what you meant; seemed to me you were saying to have neither positive or negative.....but did you mean about yourself specifically? Or about your 'way of thinking about food/exercise'?
Couple of other (as we like to call them) *fluff* questions:
Again, thank you for a great personal reflection post!
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Hi and welcome! What you wrote is interesting ... for me, I like having encouragement and support, which this board is great for. But I'm not big on "positive attitude" ... I prefer the concept of "awareness" (as Gretchen mentioned), which may be similar to what you said about being "neutral." When we have a lot of emotion attached to an "outcome," I think we can sabotage ourselves. I know I do. It's better for me to detach a bit and focus on the process, what feels right day to day, with awareness. If I'm simply aware, I'm not "good" or "bad" on a particular day, I'm just paying attention to how it all feels. So I'm more into the concept of health and feeling good than I am into the idea of weight loss, although it is a goal.
You're right, it's an inner journey and that's so important to remember. Thanks for posting.