DH says I'm not supportive

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
DH says I'm not supportive
7
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:03am

I don't know what to do or how to feel. DH is somewhat upset because I can't be supportive of his weight loss. We basically started out the same, and he's losing more than I am, at a faster rate by eating salads at work everyday, and not eating junk food at night. Whereas, honestly, I'm trying to make a lifestyle change, not a temporary change. His is temporary, because most ppl won't eat salads everyday for lunch, for the rest of their life. And I honestly can't see him cutting out sweets forever.


I feel jealous, angry, upset, depressed when he tells me how happy he is about his weight loss. He was so happy to break the 153 mark, and here I am, back up at 155. I'm upset at myself that I can't be more supportive, but every pound he loses, it just depresses me. MOSTLY because yes, I weigh as much as my husband, and more right now. :( He says he's overweight, and I'm sitting here thinking, he's like maybe 10lbs at the most overweight. Me, I'm about 35-45. :( I just wanna cry.


Thoughts? What should I do? How can I approach this? How can I be supportive of him w/o feeling so depressed about myself?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:51am

I know from personal experience how hard and frustrating it can be, My Dh did the same hting he cut way back on food and lost like 10 pounds in two weeks, but it does not last, he gained back 5 right away and he has never been able to get past more than that. Its a guy thing,


Rainey



proud owner of:

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:04pm

Thanks Rainey.


I tell myself that all the time. His are temporary, and I'm trying to make it permanent. I know he won't be able to stick to salads and no sweets forever. I even tell him he should get on the elliptical for

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:14pm

I think you're right. My husband is really good when he "diets", but when he's not on one- he's horrible!!!!!!

Another thing is that for some reason guys do drop it sooner. I guess if you're (her he his) making healthy meals/buying healthy food, you are being supportive. If you're making cakes/cookies/favorite fattening foods, then he may have a point. Can you tell him you're excited for him, worried that when he quits he'll gain it back, and that it's a little depressing to not be losing it as quickly?

Is there another way you can judge how you're doing on getting fit? Can you run/eliptical/whatever longer/faster? Not feeling as tired? Set a goal of exercising so many days? Set a goal of not buying chips/cookies/baking - something?

Just ideas. Maybe the spring weather will help.

Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:20pm

Aw Cher.......sorry you're faced with this predicament. I'm sure you're proud of DH, but I can see where you'd be frustrated at the same time!


It's such a shame he cannot see/understand why you feel the way you do. It's a known fact that men loose faster than women (and I hate to say this, but I think men also can be stricter with themselves than women can....at least the ones I know are/can be!!)


You're right to do this for the long haul, and learning how to do it so you will be able to stick to it longer than 6weeks is the right approach.


Hope you and he can sit down and really lay it all on the table soon!


(ps. you're both probably a little more stressed than usual with the house news (CONGRATS by the way)-- which doesn't help I guess)


_____________________________________________________

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:06am

Cher I'm sorry that things are rough right now and that you and hubby are having a hard time balance each other.


I would say that the first thing to do would be to separate your own weight loss goals, plans, etc. from hubby's. Even if what he is doing is temporary, or more effective or what have you those are all HIS issues. He will have to find what works for him now and in the future.


I think that women have much different issues with food - it is definitely an emotional attachment. Men don't reward themselves with food - they basically eat what they want and then cut back when they want to lose. Women on the other hand "diet" and "deprive themselves". I think that's a huge problem. We see cutting back on calorie intake or watching what we eat as a negative thing, and something we have to endure in order to lose weight. I just don't see men having those issues.


I think that you are just going to have to explain to your hubby that you do want to be supportive, but you are having problems separating his success from your own issues. Tell him that if you seem like you are not being supportive it is because you are having some struggles yourself. And then I think you are going to have to suck it up a bit and really make an effort to comment on his success once in a while. Look at it a bit like a chore on a list of things to do - LOL - and tell yourself over and over again that his success isn't attached at all to your success or lack thereof.


I know you were doing really well making those little changes, so keep that up - it was something that seemed to work well for you. And keep hopping on that elliptical when you can.


I'm sending you loads of {{{HUGS}}} your way, Cher, I know this is a rough time, but you are a strong woman, and you can do this!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 1:50am

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate a bit because I had a boyfriend for a while who not only weighed less than me (while eating whatever he wanted) but was taller too, and I couldn't even lose a measly 2 or 3 pounds. It's true that men lose more easily, they have different metabolisms and as Miranda pointed out I think most men have a different relationship to food than women do. I think women in general have a much more emotional relationship to food. I've noticed that my father, for example, has no problem going on something like the South Beach Diet and losing a lot, but he gains it all back quickly because he hasn't made the lifestyle changes.


So keep reminding yourself that you're in this for the long haul! You WILL get there. His progress is his, yours is yours. Maybe you could try making a supportive comment to DH, say, once a week. On a Friday or something, LOL.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2006
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 7:16am

Losing weight is different between men and women. Sounds like a competitive nature is kicking in creating the jealousy.
When you're feeling that bug jump on your eliptical or go for a brisk walk or jog - break a sweat.
This should help with your lifestyle change and start thinking of healthy foods as beng as tasty as junk food. For instance carrots are crunchy just like chips...blah,blah. In fact focus on that slick feeling on the roof of your mouth after eating chips and usually that's just gross enough to avoid them!LOL
I'm a huge advocate of increasing activity...exercise and hobbies.
It isn't clear why your DH feels you aren't supportive....just be honest with him and explain that for some crazy reason it bothers you that he's losing faster blah, blah

Just my .02