I was called "fat"....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
I was called "fat"....
3
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:48am

...and it was the BEST kick in the arse this idiot could have given me. He actually helped me, even though he was in the midst of insulting me. It all started when his girlfriend tried to mouth off to me with no provocation. She's got serious issues that translated to her being very cruel to me as her friend, and I ended the friendship over them in 2004 after 2 years of trying to understand her cruelty. While he lost his courage once my fiancé began approaching him (my fiancé is very fit and a big man), the "damage" was done. I tore a strip off of him for what he said, but inside I reached a breaking point.

So there I found myself, a former spokesmodel, someone who used to stop traffic and have men (gentlemen) approach me on the street to tell me how "beautiful" I was and then walk away, being called "fat". Once upon a time, the above sentence would've made me cringe. I would've thought it as "gloating". I even would have thought so not too long ago. Not now. If someone is threatened because I thought and think of myself as beautiful; if someone concludes it as "stuck up", they can resolve that conclusion on their own. It is precisely this self-assurance and positive self-talk that has propelled me to do something about my unhappiness and dangerous weight gain. I will no longer measure my self-esteem to appease another. That self-esteem is for MY survival, as it should be for everyone. It keeps us happy, and it's our own personal cheering squad when the going gets tough. I would not insult another. I am not a cruel person. I would not belittle another to make myself feel good, nor would I bludgeon another with my self-assurance. It's MINE, and I can't share it, LOL!

Unfortunately, some people are unkind, and there are others who misinterpret confidence in another as being conceit. I've been living my life to please others, and in the process have terribly neglected myself. This, in turn, has affected my fiancé, our sex life, seeing my friends (I've been too ashamed to have them see me this way), and have not ventured out much because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. No Mo!!! LOL.

Since that insult (a cheap shot when the person has no real "fault" to muzzle onto) I've lost 9 pounds. The very next morning after the incident, I held onto my fiancé as I told him I've had enough of feeling so unattractive, so invisible, and so ashamed of what I had done to myself. I vowed that nobody would ever call me fat again! After TWO AND A HALF YEARS of being terrified of stepping on the scale and avoiding looking into the mirror at my body, I stepped on the scale. It read 219 pounds. My healthy range for my height and structure is between 145 and 160 pounds. At minimum, I was 60 pounds overweight. I think I went into shock, although I was and am well aware that I am overweight. I just misjudged it by about 20 pounds, hahaha.

That day, May 21, 2007, my fiancé and I cleaned out the pantry and the fridge. We put the stuff that wouldn't help me realize my goal into a bin and drove over to the foodbank warehouse and left it at the donation corner outside (it was closed for the holiday). I calculated my BMR, how mant calories it would require for me to "maintain" my weight at my body specifications (my fiancé is also an ex-athlete and has extensive knowledge on this stuff) and substracted, comfortably, 700-800 calories from that number. I am now eating incredibly healthy foods (nothing processed, everything natural) and try to aim for a caloric intake of about 1,450 a day. This 1,450 is filled with purpose and high-nutrient foods. I take multivitamins. I count everything, and include the nutritional bang-for-my-buck with that. If it is deficient in nutrients, it isn't passing my lips. If it's been processed so incredibly far from how God made it, it isn't passing my lips. Water is my wine. It always has been, so I've not had to adjust to that part of my new life.

My job is a professional one and it requires me painstakingly planting my butt in front of a computer for 8 hours a day (oh the strain, lol!). So I now park over at the far end of the lot at work and walk. I walk up the stairs and escalators. I clean everyday to the point of feeling the sweat on my back and brow. My sister has a gym in her condo and she gave me the keys to go there and use the facilities (even though I've had a bench here with weights sitting right behind me now, lol). I am slowly getting my body used to more exercise, and upping the ante as I do it.

I know that the 9 pounds in 10 days is a lot to lose, and I'm well aware that it is not going to continue (nor should it). A lot of it is water loss, but by golly it's just the right dose of inspiration for me. The weight loss has already slowed in week two, which is a sign that I'm doing it right. Having been on Bernstein, Weight Watchers, taking nutrition courses at community college and understanding micro and macro nutrients, I'm well equipped. It's about time I use this experience and education to do something that is good for me and will be a direct benefit to the people I love and who love me.

So, I thank the ignorant Cad who insulted me. I might even send him a card once I'm done (with a picture of me in a bikini in it, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend, lol)! No, in all reality, I'm just going to remain the incredible shrinking woman and smile every time we cross paths. Success is my revenge. ;)

Edited for typos.




Edited 6/1/2007 9:55 am ET by dbl007
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:22am

What a fabulous story! Thanks for sharing and welcome to the board!


Sometimes those barbs, while hurtful, become the catalyst that we need to face our challenges. I'm so glad you have such a good outlook and are working towards your goals! That is a wonderful accomplishment! And your weight loss so far is evidence that you are on the right track!!


Once again, congrats and welcome!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:55am

Thanks so much for the welcome, Miranda. It means a lot to me.

You are right in that sometimes the hurtful parts in life propel us into change. I am so grateful for that, even though it was hurtful. I've been wanting to feel this way for a long, long time now. Really, I think his attempt at dressing me down might extend my life. At this weight, I am at risk for a myriad of health complications.

Neither of my parents were overweight. My younger brother and I have an issue with weight that (I truly believe) is a result of losing our father very tragically when I was 11 and he 8. Our mother was too engulfed in her grief to support us, so we consoled eachother with food while sitting together watching cartoons. We stuck together in the schoolyard. We were, unbeknownst to us at the time, taking care of "us" in the best way our child minds knew how. We both suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder as a result of this tragedy (we have both been formally diagnosed separately and by different health professionals - me by a panel), so our struggles will be lifelong.

I'm not going to pity myself on this truth because so many of us have other health issues that will be with us for life. Mine happens to be a psychological injury that is a normal reaction by a normal brain to extensive trauma.

I just figure I might as well lay it out here because I plan on being a member of this board and it will come out eventually. I also know that nothing would feel more special to me than to share any positivity and strength with others here. I know that without the support from my fiancé, my best friend (the only one I allow to see me this way, lol), and my sister, I would be having a harder time of this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:09pm

WoW- what an inspirational story you write!


Welcome to our board...have you lurked here before, or is this your first 'stop' by? In any case, I'm sure you'll love it here. Welcome aboard :-)


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