Help: Post Abortion Guilt
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| Thu, 07-10-2008 - 12:21am |
Hi,
I've had my abortion a couple of months ago and the guilt of the abortion has been increasing ever since I graduated this summer mostly because of the realization that I will be starting work soon. At the time of the abortion, I had a semester left in school and had a boyfriend I was absolutely in love with that I had been seeing for awhile who wanted and would've supported the child. I thought that it wasn't the right time (with a semester of school left and a ton of student loans) to have a child and that maybe we should wait until a later time when we are more established so that I could do the things in life I've always wanted to do, pay off my student loans, save some money, and be a stay at home mom and enjoy watching my child grow up.
Well fast forward, we are no longer together and I feel tremendous guilt over the abortion. The closer I draw to starting work, the more I realized and see (by examples of my coworkers and friends who are my age and having babies) that my income as well as my ex's at the time would have been way more than enough to support a baby and still pay off my student loans a bit at a time. I knew the financial situation wouldn't really be that much of a problem at the time even though I knew the situation could have been more ideal -- hence why I decided to have the abortion. But now I just feel guilty that I made a selfish decision...that I wasn't someone who didnt have the means to have a child but that I had the abortion "merely" becuase it was an unopportuned time to get pregnant. I dont know how to get over this guilt and starting work and realizing that I'm an "adult" with a real job and benefits making way more than enough to raise a kid...just makes me feel like a really guilty selfish person because I can think of no valid excuses for why I did what I did except so that I can have a "better time" to have a kid and to "experience life more" which again makes me feel selfish because it wasn't like I couldn't put food on the table or that my ex was a one night stand.
And also, I just wanted to add that emotionally I had wanted to have it but I wouldn't really "let" myself fully to think about having the child because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to go through with the abortion because I'd realize that all those excuses for why I gave for why I "couldn't" have a child weren't really true but just may way of saying "this isn't a good time" and "I can wait" even though I really wanted it...almost like the abortion would make my life "easier" and allow me to live life versus it being a "necessity" because I would be so bogged down...again making me feel selfish. To make matters worst, the only person who I feel would've been able to comfort me in this situation (my ex) has broken up with me not too long after the abortion and the closeness of all these things happening...I don't know how I can go on.
Any ideas to help with this? I've been reading, praying, trying everything...I think being in school helped me suppress and rationalize what I did that no longer works because I dont have that as a justification anymore.
Thank you.
Sarah
Edited 7/10/2008 1:22 am ET by sarahmrz
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I don't know if this will help or not, but this is my experience. I recently had an abortion of a child that was definitely wanted, but it wasn't the right time. That's not what i want to talk about though. What I do want to talk about is having the child that is now two and a half, and is the light of my life.
My child was conceived in wedlock, and was planned, hoped for, and wanted very much by both my husband and myself. What we didn't realize is that having a child - even one that is wanted, planned, and al of that stuff is HARD WORK! The sleepless nights, time off work for doctor's visits and ear infections, time off work because they can't be at daycare with a temperature - so someone has to stay home, and just the general stress of being on call for a little soul who needs you MORE than 24/7 is immense. I had a husband who was there, mostly.
I *still* ended up realizing after being in the stress of having a new baby that I finally understood how someone could get pushed to the point they would shake their baby, or hit them, or do all those horrible things that "we" would never do. I remember thinking as I lay sobbing, exhausted, and frustrated on my bed, with my son sobbing in his crib with the door closed, thank goodness that I wanted this, and invited this into my life - because I could not imagine how someone who was younger, perhaps less patient, perhaps less ready than I was would have handled the situation. Frankly, I can't imagine how *I* might have handled the situation if it was something I hadn't invited into my life willingly and knowingly.
I don't know if that's helpful or not, but that's my experience as someone who's both chosen to have a child, and chosen not to bring one into this world. My experience may be totally different, but while there's never a good time to have children (you can never be ready enough) there are definitely (in my opinion) better and worse times to do so.
I don't think a decision not to bring a child into the world before you are ready is a selfish decision. Not at all. As someone who's been there with a newborn who wouldn't stop screaming all night long and who didn't know how to help them, I think you did what you thought was right to protect yourself, and your future child. When the time is better, you will know it. Until then, know that you did what you thought was right for you and for your child.
Hi Reiner,
Thank you for your post -- it really did give me a lot of insight. Having never had a child I think part of the problem was that I always wondered if I miscalculated my ability to handle raising a kid and to lead somewhat of a semblance of the life I had planned out at the same time. I've always thought about babies as "hard work" but more so on a superficial level...that they cry "sometimes" and you just have to change their diapers and bottle them every so often. It's not really until you actually have one that you really get to know how much work they actually are and your post helped me realized that...needless to say even though my coworkers have kids I do not spend much time (other than cooing at them once in awhile) to really see how much work must be put into raising them.
The money-justification and having a willing-to-commit bf (apparently not so much when viewed in hindsight) were the main reasons I felt so bad about the whole thing...but maybe as your post indicates, simply "not being ready" is good of a reason enough (???) I never thought that a pregnancy could be wanted have it occur in bad timing...I felt like having the abortion meant I didn't want it when in fact I wanted nothing more. I just felt like I couldn't provide for it the best way I can...everything objectively looked so do-able and "perfect" but something inside me spoke differently.
I hope one day I will be able to be where you area -- ready and able to have a child...
Thanks,
Sarah
Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you are feeling guilt over the decision you made. I hope that what Reiner wrote to you can be very helpful. I had my abortion over 9 years ago and my biggest reason for not going through with the pregnancy was that I just wasn't ready to be a mom. I was 22, in a new very long distance relationship (he is now my husband) and I just wasn't ready. I thought I wanted kids at some point, but not then..I didn't feel I would be the mom that I wanted to be.
I wouldn't want to be the mom that lost my temper or got upset at the kid for crying just because I was too young, not ready and whatever else my excuses would have been if I had gone through with having the kid.
It is not selfish to have an abortion. If anything it is a very hard decision to make, even when you know it is the right thing to do. In some instances, I feel it is selfish to disregard life situations and your own feelings and continue with a pregnancy that you are not ready for and bring a child in to the world when it isn't the right time. (I've been told many times it is never "the right time", but some times are more right than others.) You've got to do what is right for you, not what you think others have done and you should be able to too. We don't know what goes on in their head or at home.
It has only been the last few years that I have started even thinking about wanting a kid.
Take your time to heal and go back over the decisions you made of why it wasn't the right time. Those decisions, at that point in time will never change. Only how we feel now changes. You couldn't have known the future...
I hope you are feeling better. Please let me know how you are doing, ok?
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I hope my post was helpful.
Seriously, I have always been pro-choice - but after having a child and experiencing what it's like to go through it even when the baby was wanted and conceived in an "ideal" situation - I am even more pro-choice now. There is no way, in my opinion, that anyone should be made to have a child that they are not absolutely sure that they want. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to the child.
My situation has changed since the birth of my child - and honestly having him enter our lives is part of what pulled our marriage apart. The work, the stress, the need for a partnership that raising a child requires - it's immense. In our case, I decided we would probably be better parents outside of our marriage. So far, it looks like I was right.
Anyway, please don't spend another minute feeling guilty. (Even though I'm sure you will.) You put your child first and did what you thought was right for both of you. You should be commended for having the courage to make a decision. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
Hi,
Thank you both for your kind posts. It has offered me a new perspective on things especially hearing from someone who currently has a child. I think what you, Reiner, said about the baby and the stress put on your marriage made me realize that given the shaky feelings (unbeknowst to me) my ex had at the time along with the strong differences in values between us that I never knew existed until the breakup occurred...in hindsight, we would not have lasted with a baby for more than 2 years.
I was always pro-choice but thought that if it came down to me, I would never have one or only have one if I "really needed to" and this was not a situation where I felt like I "really needed to" have an abortion because financially and relationship-wise I could have managed. Your posts helped me realized that having a baby is much more than being financially and relationship ready because how emotionally ready you are will have a huge impact on what type of mother you will/can be. And I know it probably sounds silly what I just said because it might seem obvious to a lot of people but for me, I've always thought that emotionally I could have just "suckered it in" and "deal with it". I still have nightmares about the abortion and the breakup...both unexpected and literally one right after the other...hopefully the nightmares will go away with time and this will make me a better/stronger person.
Thanks,
Sarah
"Any ideas to help with this? I've been reading, praying, trying everything...I think being in school helped me suppress and rationalize what I did that no longer works because I dont have that as a justification anymore."
Sarahmrz,
I guess the best solution is to just keep moving forward with your life and don't look back on what had already happened. My ides in how to "move on", post the abortion clinic, is to go back again to get consulted with an professional OB-GYN to make sure your still ok and safe to bear a child, so in the Future, when you ARE ready... then there won't be any medical complications... As far as reading and praying... if those two variables doesn't seem to work then preoccupy yourself with other people. Maybe you should hang out with your peers your age, maybe have a lunch date at a restaurant with other females who probably have better things to talk about, just to distract you from staying by the computer sulking alone in pain... By suppressing the emotions inside, your basically, "bottling" it there, and that's just as bad as a ticking bomb waiting to detonate, so go and talk to someone, anyone, about what you honestly just went through.. Not everything might make coherent sense at this point because it might just be days, weeks, or months prior to the surgery, but trust me, in due time, all wounds will heal. I hope the best for your future, stay healthy!
eReader_k007
Thank you for your very kind and supportive post. I agree very much with what you've written and I hope your words along with what others have written will help Sarahmrz.
Please feel free to stick around and post when you can.
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