Help: Post Abortion Guilt
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|Thu, 07-10-2008 - 12:21am|
I've had my abortion a couple of months ago and the guilt of the abortion has been increasing ever since I graduated this summer mostly because of the realization that I will be starting work soon. At the time of the abortion, I had a semester left in school and had a boyfriend I was absolutely in love with that I had been seeing for awhile who wanted and would've supported the child. I thought that it wasn't the right time (with a semester of school left and a ton of student loans) to have a child and that maybe we should wait until a later time when we are more established so that I could do the things in life I've always wanted to do, pay off my student loans, save some money, and be a stay at home mom and enjoy watching my child grow up.
Well fast forward, we are no longer together and I feel tremendous guilt over the abortion. The closer I draw to starting work, the more I realized and see (by examples of my coworkers and friends who are my age and having babies) that my income as well as my ex's at the time would have been way more than enough to support a baby and still pay off my student loans a bit at a time. I knew the financial situation wouldn't really be that much of a problem at the time even though I knew the situation could have been more ideal -- hence why I decided to have the abortion. But now I just feel guilty that I made a selfish decision...that I wasn't someone who didnt have the means to have a child but that I had the abortion "merely" becuase it was an unopportuned time to get pregnant. I dont know how to get over this guilt and starting work and realizing that I'm an "adult" with a real job and benefits making way more than enough to raise a kid...just makes me feel like a really guilty selfish person because I can think of no valid excuses for why I did what I did except so that I can have a "better time" to have a kid and to "experience life more" which again makes me feel selfish because it wasn't like I couldn't put food on the table or that my ex was a one night stand.
And also, I just wanted to add that emotionally I had wanted to have it but I wouldn't really "let" myself fully to think about having the child because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to go through with the abortion because I'd realize that all those excuses for why I gave for why I "couldn't" have a child weren't really true but just may way of saying "this isn't a good time" and "I can wait" even though I really wanted it...almost like the abortion would make my life "easier" and allow me to live life versus it being a "necessity" because I would be so bogged down...again making me feel selfish. To make matters worst, the only person who I feel would've been able to comfort me in this situation (my ex) has broken up with me not too long after the abortion and the closeness of all these things happening...I don't know how I can go on.
Any ideas to help with this? I've been reading, praying, trying everything...I think being in school helped me suppress and rationalize what I did that no longer works because I dont have that as a justification anymore.
Edited 7/10/2008 1:22 am ET by sarahmrz