Hello! I am new here....(m)

Avatar for oceanfanatic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hello! I am new here....(m)
17
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 8:14pm
Hi Everyone! I am new to this board but have been around Ivillage for about 3 years, usually hanging out on the Military Wives site. In brief, here's my background and question....I gained 60 pounds with my daughter who was born almost a year ago...(3 July). Since October, I have been working with a personal trainer, and working out hard. I have gone from a size 16/18 to a 12 (on a good day maybe a GAP 10! lol) I admit that I don't eat as well as I should, but that is improving, and I am also starting to work out five times a week as oppose to 3/4. I have a problem/question that I hope you will give me your opinion on. My sister recently said (albeit to my mom, not to me) that I am looking too muscular and not feminine anymore. That I look like I can kick anyone's but! I have not gotten any bigger but I do think that I am in the "metamorphasis" phase...meaning I have gone from a worm...to a larvae but not yet a butterfly! LOL.... Nonetheless, this really hurt my feelings and I was wondering if any of you have gone through the same thing...I love the gym and I love working out...my sister is tiny and always has been. It's hard when you are feeling better about yourself and then comes a blow from out of nowhere...Anyone else been through this? I know I have a long ways to go...(size 8) but I am getting there...(verrrryyyy sllllooowwwwllllyyyyy!). Thanks for any opinions/same stories. :)

kathrine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:36pm
If your sister can take a joke "All the better to beat you up!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:14am
Hi! First of all, welcome to the board. Second, congratulations for deciding to make health and fitness a priority in your life, and for doing so the healthy way. Congrats on your progress thus far!

I think a lot of us who have made (or in my case, are still making) the transition from couch potato to gym rat have had similar experiences where it seems that someone very close to us is undermining our progress, usually through negative comments like that. A lot of times it's so subtle that people don't even realize that they're doing it. Other times it's a little more overt. But it doesn't change the fact that these comments hurt, dammit!

It's usually tied up in complex family dynamics -- maybe your sister, as "the tiny one," feels that her status is threatened by your newfound enthusiasm and commitment to fitness? Who knows? The fact is that you are absolutely right to be hurt by comments like that, and it is NOT okay for someone who loves you to be making you feel this way.

This also touches on another pet peeve of mine -- who says that women shouldn't be muscular?

Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope this is a one-time thing and that she's much more supportive in the future... but if she isn't, you should definitely say something to her.

The Skinny Daily post had something very good to say on this subject a couple of weeks ago:

http://skinnydaily.blogspot.com/ (scroll down to post from Wednesday, June 11)

Welcome to the board again and hope you stick around!

~ Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 9:36am
hi kathrine, and welcome! congrats on your amazing accomplishment in losing more than two dress sizes and congrats on your sexy muscles!

i think a lot of us have experienced a family member, friend, or coworker making hurtful comments and i think it is always about their issues, and not at all about you. your sister might be threatened that you are now the healthier sister, or she might feel guilty for not exercising herself or who knows? i know it is hard, but try not to let her get to you. the important thing is, how do YOU feel about yourself? in all honesty, when i started to get back in shape this go-round, i fretted about and dreaded the comments i knew i'd face (from having done it all before) - but this time it's been easier, in part because i'm more used to it and know not to take it personally, and also because this board has been such a great support.

anyhow, i highly doubt that you look that bulked up, no offense, but even with all your progress, you would have to have very unusual genes to get THAT muscular since october! and your sister is totally wrong that muscles aren't feminine, the more muscles i get, the more feminine i think i look. finally, even if someone doesn't think muscles don't look good on women, the fact remains that strength training is important for good health and for weight loss and maintenance, and none of us are willing to sacrifice that for some stereotype of what's "feminine!"

hope you stick around! and btw, we have some military wives here ourselves, including our cl jean (she'd welcome you to the board but she's away for a couple of days.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 11:06am
Let's step back and take a look at what really happened here. Someone decided to share a bit of gossip with you. The statement was something about you bulking up and looking less feminine. That's it. The extra meaning to what that statements means comes from your own mind. You have the power to let that statement make you feel unattractive, defeated, less desireable, etc. You also have the power to empower yourself through positive thoughts about that statement. "Wow, my training must be working." "My body is transforming." "I'm building the sexy muscles I've always wanted." "Not only am I feeling stronger, but I'm looking stronger too!" You can be the author here -- you can make that statement mean whatever you want it to mean. Why make it a defeating comment when you can make it a more empowering one.

I know it's difficult and it takes time to train your mind to work that way. It will come with time. In the meantime, don't listen to gossip - especially hurtful gossip.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 11:33am
Wow... you are so right. Helps for me to see that and maybe I can start to think that way, too. Well put!
Avatar for oceanfanatic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 12:01pm
Thank you so much everyone! All of you have very good points and I agree, and thank you for each of them. I look forward to posting more on this wonderful board! You guys rock!

kathrine :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 1:37pm
I'm half a day late, as usual. Hi, welcome to the board! I'm another of those phantom military wives mentioned above, but I'm usually much later than the rest in responding since we are a few time zones over (Hawaii).

I want to start by offering a warm congrats on your accomplishments so far. You've come a long way and are right on track to achieve your goal. I'm working on a transformation too, so I know how wonderful it can feel to be progressing:)

And, I just wanted to reiterate what the others said. The comment by your sister was just her issues surfacing, not any fault of your own. My mother is notorious for sharing such nuggets with me from my siblings so I know how easily the ugly can be masked and passed off as "concern" or "worry" on her part. It is no less vile than the original comment though, is it? Let it go. There are issues and problems there you don't want to step into. I know it hurts, I get stuff like that all the time from my family (my mom called yesterday wanting an exact weight on me since she has a doctors report from my sister and wants to "compare" our weights... excuse me?) but you have to step back and realize that it isn't a determination of your worth or what sort of person you really are, just a release of their insecurities and pettiness.

I'm glad that you found us and sincerely hope that you stick around. This is the best group of women I've met in ages and I don't know what I'd do without them. Welcome.

~K~

P.S. I love the membername. We are huge ocean fans ourselves, diving, sailing, surfing, boogieboarding, etc. I don't feel "normal" if I don't sink my toes into sand at least once a week!

~Kiervin~

Co-author of:  MONSTER'S INK HORROR ANTHOLOGY By Cyber-Pulp Press

Avatar for oceanfanatic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 6:06pm
Hi K! Thanks for the reply. I would LOVE, LOVE to live where you live! lol...my dream is to one day live on the ocean...I haven't been to Hawaii but I was stationed (in the Air Force) in Guam for a little over a year! It was marvelous! Your family and mine sound alike! lol...ah well...gotta love 'em! :) Again, thanks for the welcome and reply. Do you mind if I ask which branch your are in? We are Air Force living in North Carolina...:)

kathrine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 1:11am
Hi Kathrine! I hope you're still around since I've been gone. You've gotten some great feedback from people here (thanks everyone for jumping in while I was away!). Congratulations on your progress! For all the hard work, you deserve a pat on the back.

Everyone has a different idea of what is beautiful and only you can decide for yourself what you want. It sounds like you're becoming strong and healthy which is the goal for a lot of us here. I know people who think women should be petite and tiny like your sister does. I also know some petite and tiny women who are really unhealthy, never work out, etc. I think a muscular size 12 (or even a Gap 10!) is much better than a size 16/18! I don't think it's how large a person is but how healthy she is that counts. Do you have friends at the gym or friends who work out who can support you in your working out? I think it's really helpful to have others around who support your goals and pat you on your back when you're doing well, like you are! Do you read fitness magazines (real fitness magazines not the glamour magazines made to look like fitness ones)? I think it's great to see those because you see women who are muscular and feminine. Welcome to the Gymrats board, BTW and I hope you decide to come back!






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 12:58pm
I don't mind you asking at all. Hubby is in the Navy. Though there are two air force bases nearby. One has the best exchange on island, the other has the best beach ;-)

We jokingly refer to his time in the navy as the "paradise tour". We spent three years in Bermuda to start off the marriage, did a quick three in Maine and came here. We are just finishing up our fifth year here and looking at a very probable three more to finish it out. Either way, we've bought our retirement house here already. Never thought I would go for a townhouse, I do miss the heck out of having a yard, but to stay here you've gotta give something. At least the grounds are nice enough that it doesn't really matter:)

My gf just left Guam, she ran the animal quarantine out there for three years. She hated it. Of course, she hated Bermuda too. Can't figure out why he keeps taking island tours when she isn't a fan of the ocean... I suspect you'd love it here after Guam, which is the usual reaction from people doing tours there then coming here. There is something magical about island living. I think that you have to experience it to really understand, but it is something I don't want to ever give up.

~K~

~Kiervin~

Co-author of:  MONSTER'S INK HORROR ANTHOLOGY By Cyber-Pulp Press

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