Abandoning goals and being realistic?

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Abandoning goals and being realistic?
38
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 1:11pm

Is there ever a point where you decide your goals are unrealistic and you decide to just accept your abilities/strength/whatever at the level you're at right now?

The reason I ask is this... I haven't made any headway with the goals I set out to accomplish in terms of losing more weight. I've been training for about 5 weeks now and have been sticking to my eating plan about that long. My weight seems to reguarly fluctuate within a 5 lb range but hasn't actually changed. It's becoming pretty clear that I'm not losing anything with the program that I'm using. However, I like the program I'm doing. I'm not willing to eat less because I turn into super-cranky gymrat when I don't eat enough. And, I believe I'm getting stronger. It's the weight loss piece that isn't changing. (And no, I don't really think my clothes are fitting much differently.)

So, I'm just wondering if I should accept the weight that I'm at right now. Sadly, I'm not even nervy enough to post it here because it just seems so *high*. But, from what other people have said, they estimate that I weigh about 30-40 lbs less than I do (even when I was heavy, I don't think anyone would have guessed what I really weighed). My husband found a statistic that said that most people are unable to lose more than 10% of their high bodyweight and I've already surpassed that. Maybe my body is just *done*.

At this point, I just feel tired of fighting and striving to reach something that is starting to seem unattainable. Yet, my Type A urge that is always pushing me to be better/faster/stronger finds it hard to let this go because in a way, it feels like defeat (and if no one else here gets this part, I know Jean will).

Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?




Edited 9/2/2005 1:19 pm ET ET by gymrat76
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 10:50pm

this is what i think: i don't think the issue is abandoning your goals by giving up on trying to lose weight, i think the issue is abandoning a negative and harmful way of thinking by stopping trying to lose weight. (pardon my grammar, it's late and i'm working on little sleep - hopefully you get the gist of what i'm saying)

what is the point of this supposed goal? why do WANT to be smaller or weigh less? you are fit and healthy and you look great NOW. you look fit and sexy now! i've seen pics of you, before your surgery even, and you looked great then. i don't think you'd be happy with how you look if you weighed less. your goal is unrealistic, not because you couldn't lose more weight, but because it is ever-shifting to always be out of reach. in my view, for you losing weight isn't a genuine "goal" any more than "getting rich" would be a genuine goal for oprah. what would you say to oprah if she asked you whether she should abandon her goal of getting rich because it wasn't realistic?

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 11:05pm

I see your point and really, the only defense I have is that I've been conditioned to think and feel that my weight is unacceptable. :(

I agree with what you said about my goals being ever-shifting. It's exactly the type of goal-oriented thinking that happens in my brain. I spent so much of my life being an overachiever that I automatically apply that attitude to pretty much everything. Which, I suppose, makes me an ambitious person, but also a sometimes miserable ambitious person.

I absolutely realize that a lot of this is mental and that's why I am seeing a counselor. But on the flip side, I have to wonder about the science of my lack of results as well. When I set my last weight loss goal, it wasn't anything extreme and it isn't really even what I'd like to weigh. I just thought it was reasonable (and in case you're interested, it's about 15 lbs from where I am now). When I feel like I've exhausted the basic tenets of diet and nutrition, I have to wonder about whether I've reached my genetic potential. And I honestly don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 10:13am

If our bodies were only more like predictable machines.






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 1:01pm

I think that this is an excellent point and post!


Kel, when I posted my weight it was to prove something to you.

~Kiervin~

Co-author of:  MONSTER'S INK HORROR ANTHOLOGY By Cyber-Pulp Press

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 2:32pm

That's a good point about how we see ourselves. One problem I've decided is that we don't really know what we look like!






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 2:55pm

i agree, it's kinda moot where your genetic limit is, because i just don't see that it's worth the sacrifice to GET to your genetic limit. the more important limit in my view is the limit where all the inconvenience and work and stress of trying to "be the best" finally outweighs the psychological conditioning and habitual self-criticism that is pushing you to be the best.

i'm glad you are dealing with the mental aspect. i think focusing on that and meanwhile just continuing to do whatever you are already doing to be physically healthy and strong is the way to go.

Avatar for soleilune
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 3:46pm

I'm ever humbled by your wisdom & insight ~K~. I so totally agree w/ you about numbers on the scale being a bit a of trivia that's really only important to ourselves. There are so many more accurate ways of tracking our level of health & fitness than this one.

As to my size, ~K~, (((LOL))), I said I made peace w/ my body at size 10 and that I'm neither more nor less happy w/ it at size 0 now. In the pics you speak of I was about size 6-8 and was wearing my brace. Its so odd that when I gave up worrying about what I weighed or the size I wore and decided I was being vain & unrealistic wanting a certain physique that i developed, for the first time in my life, a healthy relationship w/ food that resulted in effortless weight/fat loss. I still have days/weeks when I see a fat slob in the mirror, but it always occurs when I'm rundown or depressed (most times I see a little slob w/ too many dimples on her backside ;-D). Conversely most of the time I feel almost ashamed/embarassed by how small I am now. Most folks I meet don't realize I struggled w/ my size most of my life and think I come by this body naturally. The truth is I still work really hard and eat really well to maintain it, but the goal is optimum health & fitness instead certain weight or dress size and shouldn't feel this way.

I sort of agree w/ your hubby ~K~. I usually encourage folks to find a mirror that only shows them from the shoulders up; to look in that mirror w/ a smile & think of all they survived and accomplished; think of how many people they love & care for and that love & care for them; and finally to remember why they love and are loved - it has nothing to do w/ weight, BF %, size; perky boobs or a smooth high derriere. We are loved as a whole & should love ourselves in the same manner. Love yourself as others love you.

Last thought: goals are good, but only if they're realistic. It's human nature to strive for improvement in one's self. How do we determine whether we're being realistic or not? That's the tough question. If we can't step outside ourselves then we need input from source we trust to be objective. It helps to make both short and long term goals - if the short term ones are geared to achieving the long term, one's rate success or failure w/ these gives a pretty good indiction of how do-able that ultimate goal is.

Soleilune
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Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 4:37pm

"So, why would you have a healthy attitude about my not being at my goal weight (or anything resembling a reasonable weight) but not the same healthy attitude about your own weight?"

Because I have always always always been critical of my body... I know it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to change it.

I too think of myself as bigger than I probably am.

I met with an advertising woman yesterday for some local advertising I'll be doing in October and when we sat down to talk, she asked me to tell her about myself, my business, etc. So, I went into my whole spiel about the weight loss, getting certified, etc. She said "When we set up our meeting, I was expecting to walk in to see this tiny blond thing and it was so nice to see a normal sized person sitting there." (And that, incidentally, is something I hear a lot.) So, I'm repeating this conversation to my husband and he's just shaking his head. He disagrees that I look like a "normal person" and says I look much stronger and have a lot more muscle tone than the average person.

While I should take solace in the fact that other people apparently view me as a "normal person", it's also mildly disappointing because I want to be seen by other people the way my husband sees me. The continuing saga of Kel's quest NOT to be average... :P

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 4:40pm

Ah yes, the grotesquely overweight women on the Dove ad. *shaking head* It's so messed up. I read a commentary on msnbc and the guy said that the only time he wanted to see that much cottage cheese is on a plate in front of him.

It's terrible. I think the Dove ads were great. It's nice to see real people in real people underwear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 4:58pm

Do I count as "other people"?