advice for very lazy 8th grader

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
advice for very lazy 8th grader
9
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:18pm
He had a difficult school year last year in 7th grade. All year, teachers asking me what are we going to do with him. I say I don't know, I'm trying. they want me to sit on him while he does his homework. No, that is not right. checking in and offering advice, fine. Sitting on? no. So I tell them that he bright but very lazy. they do not believe me, think he has a special need maybe. So they test him for everything under the sun school wise. To discover that he (last year in Feb) has an IQ of 135 and hey, we think he is bright, lazy and maybe bored. (Mom does know something after all!) So, we are off to more of the same this year all ready. 2 weeks into school and I just know he isnt doing his work. He had a big project due today that he had to start yesterday! I even tried bribing him with "if you do all your homework, all week, I will give you some money." Nope, doesnt care. I can't remember where his PSP is from the last time I took it away. I'm so tired of being the bad guy all the time. My hubby is less help because he can not shut his sarcastic mouth up, he thinks he is a comedian. Go do stand up in someone elses house, please.
My daughters were not like this at all. My middle child just went away to college and was ranked #2 in her high school graduating class. My older daughter is a sophmore and made dean's list for her freshman year, still living home and going to local college. She does try to help him but he stares blankly. Kid, we are not going to do your work for you so get over it!! I am so spoiled from the daughters, I swear I have not had to tell my middle child to do her homework ever. She is the most self motivated kid I have ever seen. Of course, she is not perfect, she has a mouth and half and her room is like tornado alley.
Any advice would be appreciated. I need him to be self sufficiant as high school is next year. I did call the school so speak with the principal and ask for his advice. I want to nip this in the bud now and not wait for the teachers to start on me again like last year. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 6:19pm

Your son has had homework for years, so why is it suddenly a problem? Was there a routine in place? What changed? Are you sure he isn't on drugs (you mention he stares blankly, and his lack of motivation is a red flag.)?

I don't know really anything about your son. My instinct would be to take away all priviledges, and ground him until further notice. This would mean no television, telephone, radio, stereo, electronic entertainment, and he would need to come home directly after school. Privileges would then need to be earned back, including freedom after school. Your husband would need to be 100% on board.

My parenting style will probably irk others, and that's OK. I just don't think an eighth grader is old enough to decide that he can blow off school, and ruin his chances to get into college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 7:08pm
thank you. No, this is a continuing problem. He comes straight home from school, doesnt talk on the phone, has no friends to run off with after school and play with. (there is no one close enough to us) I took away his PSP so long ago, I forgot where I put it! He has no tv in his room so he only watches when it's okay. My last straw would be to take away his reading priviledges and what kind of horrible mom would do that? I appreciate that there are other strict moms out there. He stares blankly because he thinks we'll let him weasel out of it. this has been going on for years. I wanted to put him in a after school program to help him learn to study better but my husband was against it. I have made a team meeting for this week so the teachers and I will be on the same page and we can strategize about how to help him be more responsible. Part of the problem is that he is young for his age and doesnt do lots of the stuff his peers do, like talk on the phone, IM, or go to friends houses and hang out. Since we battle this every year, we need to do something diferent because whatever we are doing isnt working. You know what they say about doing things the same way and expecting a different result.. I really am trying. He is a sweet, well mannered, and thoughtful boy. Most of his teachers say he is enjoyable as well. He is very shy and quiet at times but once you talk to him about things he enjoys, he opens up. Hopefully when I meet with his new team leaders this week, since it is early in the year, he can have a chance to have a better year. I also think that being the last child, and having to follow his sisters is a really tough thing to do. It seemed that every class he had, his sisters had before him. For first grade, all 3 of my kids had the same teacher, as well as 5th grade, and many of the middle school teachers too now! I wouldnt want to follow in their footsteps. Thank you for your sound advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 8:25pm

"Thank you for your sound advice."

You are very gracious considering my advice isn't very helpful in this situation.

"I wanted to put him in a after school program to help him learn to study better but my husband was against it."

You and your husband have to be on the same page, or nothing will work. I am not assuming either you or your husband is the bad guy, so please don't read into that.

It sounds like you have a complex kid, and that you have tried everything. I have two kids that don't always fit into nice pretty boxes. When I have run into issues that I can't fix myself, or find answers for, I hire an expert. Have you spoken to an educational consultant (NOT through the school) about the issues you are facing? Do you know if you have this type of professional available in your area. It sounds like you live in a small town.

Frankly, I probably WOULD sit next to my child until he finished his homework. I am not assuming this is what you need to do.

Good luck.

Avatar for onehappymama
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:42pm
Have you thought that he may be depressed? I would first schedule an appointment for him to visit his doctor/pediatrician. Then talk the the doctor to see what he/she thinks. Then take it from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:10pm

Get him into a gifted program ASAP. He is probably an underacheiving gifted child. There is a lot of gifted support out there. You need to think about having a psychologist test him for any attention issues. You can be gifted and have ADHD or another learning disorder.

Get his teachers on your side. Any way you can gain their cooperation and start to like your son they will take more of an interest if you are involved they have to as well.

Then you may start to see changes.

Let me know I have a gifted ADD child and have been through alot with him. What other tests did they administer to him besides an IQ measurement? 135 is high enough to warrant your doing these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 7:50am
I knew I could count on this site for help. I used to come here all the time when the kids were little. It's been a long time since I have been here. I really enjoy how people will support you with ideas and thoughts.
Andovermom, I was thrilled that you replied, at first I wasnt sure if I would get one. I enjoyed your advice and thought that you have good insight on kids in general. If I did not know my son, I might suspect the same things! It's hard to explain everything online and condense it so as not to be War and Peace.
Onehappymomma, thank you. Yes, I had him checked out by our family doc too. Also have his vision checked regularly. Doc says I have a happy go lucky kid.
Texasma, A'duh on me! Yes, he has ADD. thank you. I forgot to mention that. We see a neuro doc for that too. Just saw him recently. I am considering getting a second opinion. Every time we see this doc, he has my son read the same story out loud and then asks him questions about it. I could probably recite by now! It's the worst story too, about a family going on vacation and how they prepare for it. I want to say, tell the truth, there's some yelling involved and you know it.
Yes, my son, the conundrum wrapped in an enigma. Better find that paper from the gifted program..
I can not wait to meet with his team now.
Last night, instead of asking him to do his homework right away, I waited a bit. He helped me with some chores, and we made dinner. Later, he did his homework with less of a hassle. So, maybe I will let him choose when he does his homework, as long as he does it. He only had two pages of homework last night so I let him watch House last. We both enjoy that show.
I'm going to talk to my husband about the learning center one more time, it's a money issue. We now have two daughters in college. (sigh, don't get me started about little miss thing who left for the big city and now doesnt have to follow the rules of home about too much skin showing! There is a movie star on the floor above her and she thinks she is one too! You should see her with her big shades, hair and make up! darn kid is gorgeous.)
A big thank you to all. I will let you know how the team meeting goes tomorrow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 4:49pm

It sounds to me like you are on the right track with looking into his classes and finding out if he is being challenged enough.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 7:40pm
Nancy, thank you for your advice, you are so right about not comparing him to his sisters. I really go out of my way not to, I get upset when teachers have him and all they have to say the first week is "how are your sisters..." So, with that said, I have come to think that living with too many women lets him get away with not doing things for himself. I need to give him more credit for doing stuff and more responsibilty.
The teacher meeting went very well. My son's math teacher said he has never had ameeting where the parents and teachers were on the exact same page. It was nice to hear them say they were pleased with how well I know my son and all his habits. They also said they never laughed so much during a meeting either. I never enjoyed a parent teacher meeting like this one either. The math teacher is going to get notes from all the teachers on Friday, and on Monday night with my son at my side, we will call him from home to get the week in review. I think that is more than generous. Our goal is to get him responsible for himself and doing his work on his own. I left the meeting feeling better about the year and I really feel like his teachers are on our side this time and not just looking at me and saying "what are we going to do with him?" the teachers thanked me for having the meeting early instead of waiting for the school year's conferences. We were in agreement that my son is bright and they are doing the best they can to challenge him. He started the gifted program last Friday. He was not sure he wanted to be in it. I think he should give it a try and decide after he has been there for a bit.
I really do thank everyone for the advice, it made me think about what we are doing. I even told my husband that we simply must be on the same page dealing with our son, it will be better for all.
Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 1:29am
glad that your meeting went so well!!





Photobucket