Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Need Advice
8
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 10:10pm

I have a 10 year old step-daughter, she's turning 11 this week. I am pregnant and due in March, she seems excited to have a baby sister/brother. I thought she was old enough to understand where babies come from but my husband says she is to young. I found a book at a used book store called How You Are Changing. On the cover is says for ages 8-11. I read though it and it is pretty mild, and tells about going through puberty.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 7:18am

You need to give her the book soon. There are many 11 year olds and even 10 year olds who have their period already. It is NOT uncommon for them to start at that age now. Imagine her fear if she was clueless about that and suddenly she starts bleeding. It is his JOB (well, it should likely be her mother's since she's a girl but she doesn't seem to be doing the job) to make sure that she is ready to tackle the world in a knowledgable way. That means being knowledgable about her body and women's bodies. Believe me, if she doesn't hear it from you, she'll

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:53am

Oh boy!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:03am

Your husband needs to face the reality that his little girl is growing up. You want her to be prepared for puberty and all the changes before she has her first period. On average about 1/3 of all 4th grade girls get their period before the end of the school year. This isn't something that should be put off.

Discussions taking place in the lunch room by 7th grade boys are very crude, sexual and condesending in nature. Trust me.. he doesn't want to have to talk to her for the first time then because she over heard something. (It wasn't comfortable explaining things to my 7th grade (just turned 12 year old) son when he overheard a conversation from the other end of the table he was sitting at last year. And he knew about sex already.)

It's never easy to accept that our kids are growing up. I'd continue to talk to him about it. Perhaps explain to him how old you were when you learned all about this stuff may help.

stacy

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:37am

Do you and DH have custody of your DSD?

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:39am
I have to agree with Laura, unfortunately you being the stepmom your hands are a bit tied. But I think it is important that you have a talk with your DH and explain to him that girls grow up a lot faster now than they did back when you guys were growing up and most girls at that age already know at least a little bit about that stuff. I would emphasize the fact that she needs to be educated especially if it were to happen to her, how would she feel, or even if she comes across it with her friends. That was one of the main reasons I discussed it with my daughter, she is a gymnast and always with older girls and I wanted her to be prepared, not necessarily for when she started, but if she encountered it with her teammates, so she wouldn't feel so uncomfortable.
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Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:20am
Your husband is an idiot--okay, okay, just kidding, but seriously at 11 your SD definitely knows something about what's going on.
Surviving Middle & High School
Avatar for nodinero
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:40am

I agree with everyone here, your sd most likely has heard some facts or some fiction about sex and puberty already. We're in an age where by middle school kids are already having sexual encounters for favors. In some areas middle school starts by 6th grade, so that would put kids around 11 or so. It's time that your sd learn the facts about what to expect. Her body and hormones will change whether or not your dh is ready. It always amazes me how parents can shy away from talking about natural things with their kids. Sex and growing are natural, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. When parents avoid the topics, kids seek out the info and think it's "bad" and when problems arise they are afraid to go to their parents. It's very sad.


I also agree that you are just the sm and can't really take the initiative unless dh gives his blessing and/or her mom asks you to educate her. I'm not sure what your relationship is with the mom but you could send her a note that her dd is wondering about certain things and maybe that would trigger her to start the talks. I think the books are the best way for parents who are not sure of what to say, to educate their kids. When my tween was 10, my baby sister got pregnant out of wedlock. My son couldn't understand how she was pregnant without being married. He just assumed when you got married, fairy dust sprinkled over you and suddenly you were pregnant! LOL! I got him a book about sex and later another and another. At 10 he had already heard a few rumors about sex from people at school...for example, one kid told him that you are having sex when you kiss a girl...LOL!


If you can look at this as a learning opportunity, it would also help you not feel so powerless. You're pregnant and your mom hormones are kicking in. When your baby is old enough (and it happens in a blink of an eye) you now know how you would handle the situation. As the baby's mother you will have the opportunity to decide for yourself and baby how you want to educate him/her about what's to come. Best of luck to you in your situation and I hope dh comes around and realizes that his little girl is growing up and the dating years are just a few years away!

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:17pm

Thank you for all your replies. I think I will have another talk with my husband and hopefully he will be brave enough to talk with her

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