QOTW: "Helicopter Parents"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
QOTW: "Helicopter Parents"
28
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:46am

Board Question of the Week...


**Helicopter Parents**


Helicopter parents, these are people that always hover around waiting to fly in and fix things for their kids. These kids never learn how to deal with disappointment etc.
Do you know anyone like this? Are you like this?


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Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:13am

I think that I am actually the opposite.

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Avatar for ang2gals
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:27am

I think I have been accused of being the opposite, not being involved enough. The girls school has a number of SAHMs & I have received several comments at times, esp those parents that volunteer & help out in the classroom. Occasionally these hovering parents do bring up valid points but DH & I feel we can't worry about everything in the girls lives. They have to deal w/reality & real life isn't always pleasant so at some point they need to learn to handle it on their own.

The only time recently I have intervened was this past spring bball season. Rach's coach was Bobby Knight style & she was very intimidated & afraid to interact w/him. I talked to him about her -- but mainly in the terms of what she could/needed to work on to get more playing time rather than why isn't she playing more. DH is much better at this as I tend to get more confrontational (I like things out in the open, he is more subtle). I then told her this was the first & last time I would talk to her coach. She seems to be the type that has to be prodded into action so I try that before I intervene myself. I keep telling my girls that these are skills they will need in life & that I won't be around all the time to help them so it is good practice to start now.

-- Ang

PS Ok, I admit Rach says I'm mean because I make her look up words in the dictionary rather than just telling her the definitions

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:34am

I admit I was like this when my kids were toddlers/preschoolers because their personalities really required my constant supervision and redirection! HAHA!! I've been a long time poster on the spirited kids board, so anyone that knows about them can understand where I'm coming from. My kid are more 'extreme' in all of their reactions, and before they learned better coping and self-control skills they were hard to be around. They were impulsive, controlling, hard-headed, bossy, overreactive to everything...in other words I had to constantly be on top of them when they were around other kids because they required constant intervention. Yes, my life was rough for about 5 years. I guess you could call my constant hovering over them "helicopter parenting' in the extreme, but many many people would have been negatively effected if I hadn't been! HAHA!!!

Now that they've matured, they're very determined and goal-oriented, leaders of the pack..in other words, what made them so hard to deal with as youngsters has evolved into very strong, postive personality traits. As a result, I've been able to really back off...people that knew them when they were younger understand, but others see me as not being involved enough. I'm glad I don't have to constantly volunteer in the classroom to help the teachers understand and guide them. I'm THRILLED that my daughter can participate in extracurricular activites and succeed in them without my calling the person in charge first to 'warn her'.

Learning to help my kids deal with 'themselves' is what piqued my interest and education in Child Behavior Therapy!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:41am

Honestly I think most parents are this way about something or other.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:44am

Perhaps I am one of those parents then based on what others have said they do or don't do. But I don't think an 11 year old is equipped emotionally or intellectually to deal with problems with adults such as coaches, especially adults in positions of authority. With their peers yes, work it out yourself and I have rarely stepped in, but when another adult is treating them unfairly then I don't think kids are capable of dealing with that themselves. Otherwise we would give them all the rights of adults if we thought they could act like adults and be their equal. So I will step in on those occassions although I will try and coach her through it first. To be honest I haven't really had to, but I'm prepared to do so should the occassion arive.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:51am

Did you get this term from "Paranting with Love and Logic" ? I am currentlt reading this book.....EXCELLENT READ!!


The older my kids get, the less I hover. When we hover, our kids don't know how to live. They are used to the parents doing and saying EVERYTHING for them. As they get older they will need to be able to make decisions on their own. If we hover and cover them, they don't experience life and won't be equipped to live as successful adults.


Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:56am
No, I don't helicopter parent.
Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:03am

I used to hover when Phillip was younger but after two more kids I have learned that they have to learn by experience. I will let them make that mistake then help then learn from it. I feel like even though I may have made that mistake before just me telling them is not a lesson & it will not stick with them. DH & I differ a little on this but with him it is like he just doesn't want them to do anything & be these kids who just sit there in a daze &

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:30am

OOOOH - Love this topic


I used to be a helicopter - when my kids were young - mostly I wanted to keep them from getting hurt by everyone and everything (I think that's normal).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:18am

Yikes! I hope this isn't really what you meant!! You weren't generalizing, were you?????

"I have received several comments at times, esp those parents that volunteer & help out in the classroom. Occasionally these hovering parents.. "

Let me preface this with I've had a real bad morning....I volunteer all the time at the school and I don't consider myself hovering! We have to have volunteers or our school would not survive. OK, I'm calm now!

I rarely get involved with teachers, coaches,or kids, etc if my kids are having issues. They seem to either work out themselves, or they will say something. The only Helicopterish thing I've done is this year I requested my son have one teacher over the other. That is SOOOO not me, but I really felt he would be better served with the "better" teacher.

My daughter has a friend whose parents are sOOOOO hovering. Any issue their daughter has they immediately call the school. I'm talking even minor things (well, I think they are minor) like one time she got picked last in PE and her parents called to complain. I always feel sorry for the kid when I see this because the other kids notice it.

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