QOTW: "Expressing Anger"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
QOTW: "Expressing Anger"
7
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:57am

Our Question of the Week for this week is the following:


What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween? Do you feel they express it appropriately and what would you like to see them doing differently? Are YOU expressing it appropriately? How do you deal with anger between two tweens/teens? Do you wish you'd focused on this issue more when they were younger, before they got physically bigger?


(thank you to the board member who submitted this as a topic)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:30am

What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween?

Well, I think telling what is unacceptable is easier - so I'm going that route - any physical outbursts with hitting, damaging property or person - those are inappropriate. Language must be clean, both in body and in actual words and you can not sit around murmuring (mumbling under your breath). I so don't do eyerolling or disrespectful attitudes - but I know they are normal for the teen/tween crowd. We usually encourage the kids to own their feelings - and use WORDS to talk to us about what is making them angry. It is normal to feel hurt, upset by rules and or decisions - but for the most part our kids have a pretty good say in what goes on - and the decisions that happen around them.

Do you feel they express it appropriately and what would you like to see them doing differently?

I think for the most part they do just fine expressing their unhappiness and anger. We believe that they have the right to not like what we say - and that they can come to us and explain what they think. Occasionally we have outbursts (last week was a good example) when they just can't seem to get over it and we usually excuse them to their rooms where they are allowed to act however they like to themselves.

Are YOU expressing it appropriately?

Of course, I'm perfect.... NOT! I am nothing if not diligent in my own control - but I think I lose it occasionally when they push all the buttons that just EAT ME ALIVE. For the most part - no problem. I actually whisper when I get angrier so they usually get the idea pretty quick.

How do you deal with anger between two tweens/teens?

I let them work it out. Seriously, if they come to tattle to me I normally tell them to go talk to the "offender". I usually don't step in unless it becomes really out of control (which is rare). I think kids for the most part lack the working things out skills that come from experience.

Do you wish you'd focused on this issue more when they were younger, before they got physically bigger?

Nope - Our discipline has not changed. If anything we've become a bit softer, but they know that we are here for parenting not friendship - on the whole I know I am blessed with amazing, respectful, thoughtful kids who I love!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 1:49pm

OMG!!! Speaking of anger, I just pushed but I lost my post. Grrrr!


What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween? When she is in her room she can do what she wants, mutter, complain, swear (as long as I can't hear her), smack her pillow, whatever works. Of course she can't damage anything but that's never been

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:03pm

What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween?


At this point, any method would be nice as he doesn't really express anger. He's a lot like my H. When he's consumed and can't take it, he cries like me. I think as long as he doesn't hurt himself or others physically or emotionally and doesn't swear; any method is cool.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:24pm

What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween?Do you feel they express it appropriately and what would you like to see them doing differently?


Alex will go and lie down on his bed or sit with a scowl if he is in the car. This is fine with me.

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 4:01pm

I origionally suggested this because of situations at home. Some background: Both kids are Type A personalities, strong willed and both experience strong emotions. Not like bi-polar or anything, but very intense emotional reactions no matter what the emotion. My daughter (12) used to beat her head on things as a toddler and completely fall apart. As she got older we thought we were helping her to refocus her anger and to deal with it appropriately. Turns out she'd merely turned it inward resulting in her pinching her arms with her nails, making hundreds of tiny cuts to self-soothe. This behavior is the same concept as cutting, just using her fingernails instead of other tools like razors. She is now in anger mgmt. therapy and is learning to retrain her inner voice and being taught constructive ways to express her anger instead of hurting herself. She hasn't hurt herself since september but I'm also learning to work on my trust issues by NOT checking her arms, just asking her. I've seen TONS of improvement in the past few weeks and it's really carrying over to the rest of the family, not that we're a house of angry people or anything. We just all seem to be addressing issues more quickly instead of stewing over them!

What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween? My daughter is now using drawing and art to refocus her anger. It's soothing and helps her calm herself by focusing on something else to relax, then she can more calmly focus on what she's angry about (usually her brother mouthing off to her or not getting her way). She has a handmade clay dice she made in therapy, she can roll it and there are 6 different things she can do when she's mad. My son (15) usually stomps up to his room..as long as the door isn't forcefully slammed I leave him alone.

Are YOU expressing it appropriately? I'm a stacker and blower...I usually let it stack up until I blow my top. I usually avoid conflict so I'm really working myself on identifying when something makes me angry and addressing it calmly.

How do you deal with anger between two tweens/teens? We are working on the kids' interractions when they're angry, getting them to get past the anger and to get to the root of the issues they're fighting over.

Do you wish you'd focused on this issue more when they were younger, before they got physically bigger? We thought we were doing the right thing, we just didn't realize how much Kenzie was internalizing negative thoughts. We definitely addresses things like using the right words and not getting physical when they were young.

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:52pm
DDs like most sister bicker sometimes. Luckily they get along most of the time. When they are angry with each other they work it out between the two of them. I never wanted them to feel like i pick sides so they have been told since they were tiny if there was a problem to fix it themselves. Occasionally if they are unable to work things out and i have to decide for them then they both lose. They avoid this at all cost. I believe this has worked out well for us. They have learned to talk and not to scream at each and they have never hit each other.
I control my temper for the most part but when i am PMSing it is extremely difficult. The girls know when this is coming so they try and stay on their best behaviour.
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:17pm

What are acceptable methods of expressing anger in your teen/tween?


Kiana talks to me, and she also has a journal she writes in


Brittany "MomtofiveDrews"

Kiana "Hooprincess" 13 yrs old