Too much for a 10 year old?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Too much for a 10 year old?
18
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 8:05am
(I already posted this question on "Kids and Sports", but this seems to be a much more active board, so please help me out!) My youngest daughter (10) has been taking gymnastics for almost three years. She moved up incredibly rapidly to competition, where she has excelled for the last two years, and has LOVED it. A couple of weeks ago they moved her up to the next level (She is working with the Level 8-9-10 gymnasts, many of whom are high school age, but they are fantastic). She is expected to work out 31 (yes, thirty-one) hours a week, and be a level 8 next year. The main problem is she has all of a sudden decided that she wants to quit. Partially it is the number of hours, she is just overwhelmed, and partially it is her new coaches. They are the owner of the gym and another high level coach and their approach is quite different (much harsher) than she has had before. We did talk with them, and they told her to skip one day of practice a week, and ease into the harder schedule. She was happy with the decision, until it came time to put her leotard on Thursday and Friday, when she had another breakdown. I did not make her go those days, but now she has missed 4 out of 5 days last week. My problem is that I want my child to be happy, but I am also afraid that if she gives up this easily at something that she has such AMAZING talent at, that she will be sorry later. Do I "force" her to push through the adjustment period, or do I let her walk away from it all? I think 10 is way too young to even begin to comprehend the ramifications of leaving OR of staying. Her coaches are somewhat flexible, but they will not stand this back and forth business for long (I agree that it is not fair to them or the other gymnasts). She loves her friends at the gym (who have all encouraged her to stay, and told her that everyone goes through this)...but it does not seem to be helping. This is totally stressing me out. I am frustrated with her, because I think she is making the wrong choice, and I'm frustrated with myself because I feel like a bad mother that I am upset about HER decision. My husband is deployed to the Middle East and I cannot contact him until next week. I do not want to make the decision for her, but I don't think she realizes how good she is and where this could (all things being perfect)take her. It may take her nowhere, she may decide down the road it's not for her, but I can see that right now she is upset about the changes, and the fact that one of the coaches embarrassed her last Monday and made a couple of snotty remarks. (He does this to everyone, but she doesn't have the maturity to overlook it like most of the girls). Now she is scared to go back, and says she "isn't good enough" even though both of her coaches have assured her how phenomenal she is. Do I need to make her go and get over her fear, or do I let her walk away? If I make her go, will she hate me and gymnastics forever? If I let her walk away will she regret her decision five or ten years from now and always wonder what MIGHT have happened? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! Opinions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:51am

Well, well, well... small world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:06am
Wow, I'd be interested to see how she feels after camp. Sophie went to camp (Woodward) last year and it was one of her favorite things ever. She is not going this year because the friends she was planning on going with all quit-after none of them were moved up. (Another reason she wants to quit? I don't know...) Anyway, have fun in the Caribbean and I would be really interested to know if camp changes her opinion. Also, is she still twirling, flipping, stretching all over the house, even if she is not going to the gym?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 11:14am

One thing I wonder about is how she'll actually do at camp.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 1:19pm

You gotta let her quit. What is the best case scenario....she goes to the olympics and her gymnastic career is over at the age of 16? What does she do after that? Do flips at second rate shows in amusement parks? Go on tour doing Peter Pan until she's 50? I say this as a former stage manager that did plenty of shows with former olympic champions. Gymnastics is a short term career for the VAST majority of incredibly talented individuals. It seems totally wrong to push a 10-year-old to commit to something she doesn't want especially when she'll only be useful to these coaches for a handful of years.

If she simply doesn't like the intensity and approach of the new coaches, find someplace else and see if that revitalizes her interest. If this change happened when she bumped up a level, maybe she's really NOT ready for this stage (didn't you say they are mostly high school kids?) There are things in life we have to do even though it's not fun. Why make gymnastics one of those things?

The kids who succeed in these intensive fields do so because they want it more than anything. It doesn't sound like your DD wants this and that is OK. You have to let her be more than her gymnastics ability. Will she regret quitting? Maybe. Who doesn't play the what-if game? Most of us have found enough satisfaction and joy in life not to let that game consume us though. As long as you don't make her feel bad for going in another direction she'll be fine.

Avatar for ang2gals
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 2:10pm

We just went thru a similar thing only w/travel basketball. My dd had been playing since she was 5 yo & will be 11 next month. She was giving up a lot of things & had little (try almost none) free time to go to practices, tournaments, clinics, etc. It was causing a lot of stress on our whole family since DH & I had to "work" tournaments & ydd had to come also since she's only 8.

Also on this travel team everyone was good, not just a couple girls. We told dd at the beginning of the season she'd have to work hard but that if this team didn't work out for her she could always find another team or play less competitively. My DH wanted her to let us know what she wanted to do & we explained to her about the tremendous commitment in time & resources as well as the effect on the whole family then let her know we'd still support her if she wanted to continue. What it came down to was that she wasn't happy on this particular team & wanted to be able to do other things. The coaches wanted the girls to give up other sports (as well as bday party, sleepovers, etc it was a bit much to us as parents IMHO) to concentrate on bball & she wasn't ready to do that. Realistically what 10 yo is? Most of them are lucky if they can make up their mind about what they wanna wear tomorrow ;-) The main thing at this age is that they will want to do it if it continues to be fun even if they are not the competitive type. Once the fun goes out of it, it becomes boring & drudgery thus the kid won't want anything to do w/it.

Good luck w/whatever you decide to do,
-- Ang

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 6:25pm
It seems silly to say it out loud, but it really is a shock isn't it? No matter how much of a pain it is (and it IS), committing that much time and effort it becomes a part of all of your lives. Sure, life would be easier (and cheaper!) without it, but it's a big thing, and I also wonder how she'll feel when such a big part of her is missing. (My husband says he's been done for a year!) She's a great kid, and I know will have fun whatever she does, it's just that she's SO good, I worry that she'll be disappointed when other things don't come as easily. I won't deny that I love to watch her compete, but a big part of that comes from knowing that not only is she good at it, she loves to do it. So I guess if she thinks she is ready to make that decision, she will also be ready to face all the consequences of that decision, including how to burn off that endless energy (without driving her family insane--which is already happening and it's only been 4 days), and make a new set of friends. She has lots of acquaintances at school, but never seems to be invited to birthday parties, etc., probably because she never has time to play after school so no one knows her well enough. Still, I think readjusting to that will be more difficult than she anticipates, especially as she is quite shy. (which contrasts very oddly with performing at meets, but who knows?) I really agree with you when you say that it is better to stop now than later, so maybe this is for the best. She told me yesterday when she was cleaning her room that for her birthday (in Oct.) she wants a hanger for her medals. I raised my eyebrows at her and she said "Mom, even if I quit I'll still have my medals and stuff!" So, out of the mouths of babes, at least if she quits now she will have almost all good memories and lots of medals and newspaper articles to look at fondly, right? Anyway, let me know how camp goes, and thanks for your insights, it is something that is heartwrenching and confusing, but I guess that kind of goes along with the whole parent thing. BTW, we lived in Silver Spring, MD for two years, but then moved to Virginia with the Air Force. Definitely don't miss the traffic!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:06pm

I guess I would want to explore if there is some middle ground between totally quitting, or remaining in a (to me) totally over the top demanding program.

I have no problem with hard work and committment - - but 31 hours a week is really a lot.
And putting up with someone who is sarcastic and unkind in the coach role should never be something that the kids just have to accept.

So - - is there another gym, another program - - where she might still be able to do this without it being a whole life committment? I look at my daughter's activities - she has Girl Scouts, church choir, cello lessons. On a typical week, including practice time this might get up to about 12 hours. She's busy and we're running enough it feels quite a lot. I can't imagine almost tripling that and feeling human.

Philosophically, I'd far rather spend those hours being a little bit well rounded and being able to do several things, than obsessing over one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 11:31pm

She has to love it or its not going to work out. My dd is a competitive dancer and while she isn't at the level of commitment as other girls we have seen many come and go over time. The most successful, at any age and level, have a deep love and passion for what they do. And they need to have this to withstand the hours of work and commitment as well as they obstacles and criticism they will face.

I have a suggestion for you -- if your daughter is a strong gymnast how about enrolling her in some dance classes allowing her to take acrobatics? Acrobatic dancing combines dance with gymnastics. It will give her training and allow her to use her gifts with far less intensity and commitment than gymnastics. She will have performance opportunities and acro dancers are highly sought after. She'll also learn some other skills, through movement and dance, that will be useful in her life over time. I know plenty of 65, 70 year old dance instructors who can still cut a rug but not many former gymnasts doing tumbles!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 11:42pm

Ugh what a toughie----I hear this very often with tween/teens in gymnastics.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:35pm
Well, my thoughts really didn't run to the "career" path, or second rate Broadway musicals. I was kind of thinking, at best, high school and perhaps college, it is a sport that teaches a lot of self-discipline, and a lot of confidence. I also think that developing a talent is a very useful skill, and teaches children a lot about goal making and attaining. While I would never push my child to continue a path they are not committed to forever, I think there is a lot to be said for learning to push through obstacles and come out ahead.

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