Too much for a 10 year old?
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Too much for a 10 year old?
| Sat, 06-30-2007 - 8:05am |
(I already posted this question on "Kids and Sports", but this seems to be a much more active board, so please help me out!) My youngest daughter (10) has been taking gymnastics for almost three years. She moved up incredibly rapidly to competition, where she has excelled for the last two years, and has LOVED it. A couple of weeks ago they moved her up to the next level (She is working with the Level 8-9-10 gymnasts, many of whom are high school age, but they are fantastic). She is expected to work out 31 (yes, thirty-one) hours a week, and be a level 8 next year. The main problem is she has all of a sudden decided that she wants to quit. Partially it is the number of hours, she is just overwhelmed, and partially it is her new coaches. They are the owner of the gym and another high level coach and their approach is quite different (much harsher) than she has had before. We did talk with them, and they told her to skip one day of practice a week, and ease into the harder schedule. She was happy with the decision, until it came time to put her leotard on Thursday and Friday, when she had another breakdown. I did not make her go those days, but now she has missed 4 out of 5 days last week. My problem is that I want my child to be happy, but I am also afraid that if she gives up this easily at something that she has such AMAZING talent at, that she will be sorry later. Do I "force" her to push through the adjustment period, or do I let her walk away from it all? I think 10 is way too young to even begin to comprehend the ramifications of leaving OR of staying. Her coaches are somewhat flexible, but they will not stand this back and forth business for long (I agree that it is not fair to them or the other gymnasts). She loves her friends at the gym (who have all encouraged her to stay, and told her that everyone goes through this)...but it does not seem to be helping. This is totally stressing me out. I am frustrated with her, because I think she is making the wrong choice, and I'm frustrated with myself because I feel like a bad mother that I am upset about HER decision. My husband is deployed to the Middle East and I cannot contact him until next week. I do not want to make the decision for her, but I don't think she realizes how good she is and where this could (all things being perfect)take her. It may take her nowhere, she may decide down the road it's not for her, but I can see that right now she is upset about the changes, and the fact that one of the coaches embarrassed her last Monday and made a couple of snotty remarks. (He does this to everyone, but she doesn't have the maturity to overlook it like most of the girls). Now she is scared to go back, and says she "isn't good enough" even though both of her coaches have assured her how phenomenal she is. Do I need to make her go and get over her fear, or do I let her walk away? If I make her go, will she hate me and gymnastics forever? If I let her walk away will she regret her decision five or ten years from now and always wonder what MIGHT have happened? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! Opinions?

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Well, well, well... small world.
One thing I wonder about is how she'll actually do at camp.
You gotta let her quit. What is the best case scenario....she goes to the olympics and her gymnastic career is over at the age of 16? What does she do after that? Do flips at second rate shows in amusement parks? Go on tour doing Peter Pan until she's 50? I say this as a former stage manager that did plenty of shows with former olympic champions. Gymnastics is a short term career for the VAST majority of incredibly talented individuals. It seems totally wrong to push a 10-year-old to commit to something she doesn't want especially when she'll only be useful to these coaches for a handful of years.
If she simply doesn't like the intensity and approach of the new coaches, find someplace else and see if that revitalizes her interest. If this change happened when she bumped up a level, maybe she's really NOT ready for this stage (didn't you say they are mostly high school kids?) There are things in life we have to do even though it's not fun. Why make gymnastics one of those things?
The kids who succeed in these intensive fields do so because they want it more than anything. It doesn't sound like your DD wants this and that is OK. You have to let her be more than her gymnastics ability. Will she regret quitting? Maybe. Who doesn't play the what-if game? Most of us have found enough satisfaction and joy in life not to let that game consume us though. As long as you don't make her feel bad for going in another direction she'll be fine.
We just went thru a similar thing only w/travel basketball. My dd had been playing since she was 5 yo & will be 11 next month. She was giving up a lot of things & had little (try almost none) free time to go to practices, tournaments, clinics, etc. It was causing a lot of stress on our whole family since DH & I had to "work" tournaments & ydd had to come also since she's only 8.
Also on this travel team everyone was good, not just a couple girls. We told dd at the beginning of the season she'd have to work hard but that if this team didn't work out for her she could always find another team or play less competitively. My DH wanted her to let us know what she wanted to do & we explained to her about the tremendous commitment in time & resources as well as the effect on the whole family then let her know we'd still support her if she wanted to continue. What it came down to was that she wasn't happy on this particular team & wanted to be able to do other things. The coaches wanted the girls to give up other sports (as well as bday party, sleepovers, etc it was a bit much to us as parents IMHO) to concentrate on bball & she wasn't ready to do that. Realistically what 10 yo is? Most of them are lucky if they can make up their mind about what they wanna wear tomorrow ;-) The main thing at this age is that they will want to do it if it continues to be fun even if they are not the competitive type. Once the fun goes out of it, it becomes boring & drudgery thus the kid won't want anything to do w/it.
Good luck w/whatever you decide to do,
-- Ang
I guess I would want to explore if there is some middle ground between totally quitting, or remaining in a (to me) totally over the top demanding program.
I have no problem with hard work and committment - - but 31 hours a week is really a lot.
And putting up with someone who is sarcastic and unkind in the coach role should never be something that the kids just have to accept.
So - - is there another gym, another program - - where she might still be able to do this without it being a whole life committment? I look at my daughter's activities - she has Girl Scouts, church choir, cello lessons. On a typical week, including practice time this might get up to about 12 hours. She's busy and we're running enough it feels quite a lot. I can't imagine almost tripling that and feeling human.
Philosophically, I'd far rather spend those hours being a little bit well rounded and being able to do several things, than obsessing over one.
She has to love it or its not going to work out. My dd is a competitive dancer and while she isn't at the level of commitment as other girls we have seen many come and go over time. The most successful, at any age and level, have a deep love and passion for what they do. And they need to have this to withstand the hours of work and commitment as well as they obstacles and criticism they will face.
I have a suggestion for you -- if your daughter is a strong gymnast how about enrolling her in some dance classes allowing her to take acrobatics? Acrobatic dancing combines dance with gymnastics. It will give her training and allow her to use her gifts with far less intensity and commitment than gymnastics. She will have performance opportunities and acro dancers are highly sought after. She'll also learn some other skills, through movement and dance, that will be useful in her life over time. I know plenty of 65, 70 year old dance instructors who can still cut a rug but not many former gymnasts doing tumbles!!!
Ugh what a toughie----I hear this very often with tween/teens in gymnastics.
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