***WEDNESDAY-Hot Topic Chat***

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Registered: 09-26-2003
***WEDNESDAY-Hot Topic Chat***
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Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:12am

Linda, a single woman in her mid-thirties, has difficulty relating to men. She has never been married and does not feel confident in her ability to find a man to love in her life as she does not believe in relationships. Even when men are interested in her, she does not reciprocate the interest as she is afraid of men and envisions relationships as a sacrifice and slavery. However, she does not want to give up hope on having a child of her own. A long time friend of the family emerged and asked her if she would consider having a baby together with him and raise the child separately as he is gay. The details of how the child will be raised in a shared situation and with one of the two households being gay were not discussed yet but they both agreed that the most important thing will be to ensure that the child will have a chance to a loving and stable environment. The biological clock is ticking and Linda has a hard time making a decision. What would you recommend to Linda?


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:27am

The fact that the father would be gay has nothing to do with my answer, the fact that he is a "friend" only and they have no signficant emotional ties does. I can only imagine the custody nightmare when she decides that she wants the child more or her and the friend have a falling out over lifestyle and not necessarily gay lifestyle but one believes in corporal punishment and one doesn't. That kind of thing. It is hard enough to share a child with someone you loved that you shared parenting with but a casual arrangement like that just spells trouble for me.


If she REALLY wants that child, then go to a sperm bank and have one by an anonymous donor. Yes, it will be harder, you are the parent 24/7/365, with no weekends off when the child is with the other parent, but you eliminate alot of the baggage that comes with that kind of relationship. So I would NOT recommend she have the baby with the guy. He could also have a baby with a surrogate and also not have to deal with the custody agreement thing going on. I think they are both better off to find another way to have a child otherwise they are asking for trouble I believe.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 12:12pm

I don't think so merely because if she has trouble with men in her personal life, what makes her think she's ready to 'share a child' with a man she's not even in a relationship with?

Denise

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Registered: 06-29-2001
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 1:14pm

I don't believe in planning to have a baby and raise it separately.

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Registered: 09-12-2005
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 1:42pm

I think that this woman should not have children. She is too selfish and unstable.

My relationship with my children is ALL about sacrifice and slavery.

Sarah

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Registered: 03-18-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:34pm

Did you have to use the name Linda????? LOL

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


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Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:02pm

How would you explain to your child who there father is?



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Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:28pm

Do you think that possibly since Linda knows this friend very well, that they may potentially be better in place to parent than another couple that "think" they are in love and will raise the child together, yet they don't know eachother at all and it never works.


Do you think the chances of the friends being able to work together since they know eachother so well are better than a couple who think they are in love but don't know eachother at all?




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Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:30pm

(LOL--sorry!


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Registered: 03-18-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:14am

Nope, that's not what I meant. I think that someone who hasn't found "Mr. Right" should still be able to have children. My concern is that she "envisions relationships as a sacrifice and slavery". A relationship with a child involves a lot of sacrifice and at times it feels like slavery. It sound to me like she has a romantic notion of raising a child and the child could suffer when reality hits. She should spend a weekend babysitting someone else's kids , then truly decide if she is willing to give the sacrifice of having a child.


Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


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Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 8:29am

My first thought is that shared custody does not equal a stable environment. It means a child going from one home to another and one parent to another. While the homes may both be loving and the relationship between the parents a caring and unified one, the child's home is still split. Two homes, two ways of parenting, two sets of rules, two ways of doing things. It means a few days here and a few days there. It's definatly not how I would want a child to be raised and I certainly wouldn't bring a child into a world where this is how he would be raised.

That said. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. They chose to go in together and buy a home that has a finished out basement as a separate inlaw apartment. This allowed them to have their own space,lives, privacy etc.. but still be in one home with a parent there at all times. They spend 5 nights a week sitting around a family table and often do family activities together as well.

stacy

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