wish i had my life recorded 24 h a day!
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|Thu, 11-06-2003 - 9:30am|
he says that change is gradual, that it took him a long time to get this bad, and that i have to be patient as he learns to do things differently. does that make any sense at all, or is it just another ploy?
also, he says that my thinking and telling people he is abusive is ruining our relationship. he doesn't know about this board, TG, but i'm sure that would count too. he says that as long as i see the problem as solely his, then we can never work things out. that i have to take some responsibility too. i know that i am not perfect, sometimes i fight with him too, so i can't tell if this is true or not. i have even started a physical
fight once or twice, one time i threw a remote at him, once a book, and another time i slapped him for calling me a bitch. (please don't hate me girls, i am VERY ashamed to admit that!)o-and one time i broke the computer after he broke the phone. these don't seem so bad to me, mainly because i am 5'6", 105 lbs, and he is 6'1", 200+ lbs, but i guess it's the same thing. most of the time he is the one hating me, but like he says, whenever he tries to be nice, i usually start being mean or aloof. what the heck is wrong with me?
he says that my whole "i'm abused" sob story is keeping us from moving foward, that i am no longer being abused and i need to move on and 'give peace a chance,' so to speak. is that right? help!
i'm about to quit the board and give it another chance. i don't know what to do, but as he says, he is not being abusive right now, so maybe i shouldn't be here. maybe i'm making a big deal out of nothing, and i should move on and try again. things ARE better, and maybe if i can let go of the anger we can move on and get past this. i really don't want to explain to my daughter that she is losing another daddy. i don't want to have another failed relationship and another broken heart because i can't forgive and forget. maybe we should try counseling again. god, i don't know. sorry for the ramble guys, i hope i don't sound self-pitying, i'm just writing exactly what i'm thinking and trying not to censor it. i'm not even gonna re-read it for fear i'll try and edit! please let me know what you think