the honeymoon've over BIG TIME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
the honeymoon've over BIG TIME!
20
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:19am
alright, i mean it, i've got the get the Heck out of here. i really really do. this is soooo incredibly stupid and i just can't deal any more. I got violent the other day, punched him with all my might, two hard rights in the face and headbutted him in the mouth. drew a substantial amount of blood. amazingly he didn't hit back, he was so surprised he just pinned me down. i've never ever hit him, never even tried to hurt him before. but you guys i don't even feel guilty or bad about it at all, in fact i want to go another couple of rounds. all the anger of 4 years is pouring out of me, i'm so angry i feel like i'm going to explode. i HATE him, i really really do.

a girl friend of mine who i've talked to for a year on the computer called and he wouldn't let me answer the phone, started accusing me of talking 'smack' on him to everyone and running up the phone bill. told him that was dumb, she called me not the other way around, and we just like to run our mouths about whatever's on our minds. whatever, he said he was fine with it as long as i didn't call her (it's long distance). so when she called back later i answered the phone and he went off, asking me all kinds of stupid questions while i was on the phone, like "who is she, what board did you meet her on, what have you told her about me," etc. i kinda waved my hand at him and told him to leave me alone. he said "fine then i'm going to unplug the phone." i told my friend that he was probably going to disconnect us and just ignored him. so her pulled the phone cord out and disconnected us. pissed me off as usual. he started his following me around accusing me crap and i left to get cigarrettes. he didn't want me to go so i jumped in the car and drove away with him hanging on, apparently one of his favorite positions. got back home and tried to take a shower, but he stood in the bathroom asking his inane questions and turning off the water, turning it cold, taking the shower head down etc. left me with shampoo in my hair and no towel. then stood in the doorway blocking my way so i couldn't get out. i got soo mad i just saw red. i shoved him HARD and he shoved me back, called me some names and said "what the ___ are you thinking shoving me?" i shoved him again and said "i'm thinking you better get the ___ out of my face before i punch you." he started this shaking thing that he always does before he loses his stuff and gets physical. he gets so mad that his hands clench and he starts to shake. something in me just snapped, and all of a sudden i just didn't care anymore. i knew that i was in for hours and hours of him taking everything away and basicly taunting me because he knows i won't fight back, and i just couldn't do it again. my thoughts were like "ok screw it, lets freaking go. i've never fought back, you have no idea what i can do. i don't care if you kill me, i'm gonna take you down with me!" i got really still and told him "brian, i'm warning you, leave me alone right now, just get out of my face." he refused, and i punched him hard in the jaw before he even had a chance to react, then when he twisted my arms behind me i headbutted him in the face with all my might. his lip split and started bleeding, and i really thought i was about to die. but he grabbed his lip and just looked stunned, said "omg, you ---- hit me!! i can't believe you hit me!" then called me a psycho and a B, of course. i told him i didn't even care what he thought of me, that he just needed to leave me alone. he followed me into the bedroom and started in again, and i just turned and hit him in the face again! i don't know what the heck i was thinking, i just didn't care anymore.

he pinned me on the bed and something just broke and we both started laughing and crying, him with blood running down his face and me with my arms twisted behind my back. i looked him in the eye and said "don't ever ---- with me like that again brian, i've had it and i just don't care anymore. we can go any time you want." he kissed me and said he'd never push me that far again, that he couldn't believe how tough i was or how hard i could punch, said if he was a girl he'd be scared to death of me. i told him that everyone has their limit and he'd pushed me past mine too many times to count, and if fists were the only language he knows how to speak then that's fine, i can speak a hard punch too.

i know that it was wrong but i really don't even care. i would do it again in a heartbeat. it felt so good to fight back for once, i've never felt anything as satisfying as my fist connecting with his face. i'm itching for round two!! very very wrong i know, but don't even bother telling me how horrible it is to be down on his level, i simply don't care. i've lived in fear of his fists for so long that at this point i'd rather just go ahead and get it on. i've been beaten before, it's not the physical pain that hurts, it's the fear and the emotional pain that lasts. so screw it, lets go. maybe you'll think twice before you do it again.

then last night i was trying to get my computer hooked up to the internet and it wasn't working, and i was getting really irritated. i needed someone to talk to and B was busy, so i called my friend ronda (the one who's husband hit on me) because we've worked things out between us (she found out that her h cheated on her twice in the last 2 years, so that kinda shook his credibility, lol) and we're still friends. brian hates her and refuses to let me talk to her, but like i said i just don't care. i told him before i called her and he said fine i could talk to her since i was really irritated and he didn't really want to deal with me. so i call her and we talk for about 30 or 45 mins about the kids, life, and computers. nary of word about B mind you, just shooting the shoot. i don't know about ya'll, but i can happily yap for hours about nothin to my friends. so B comes outside and says "get off the phone right now." i hold my hand up and mouth "5 minutes" to him, 5 freaking minutes and i'll be off, right? no, apparently that's not good enough for him. he says something about "why do you always have to push it? why do you always want more? i let you talk to her, now get the == off!" then he threatens to unplug the phone again, so i cut short the convo and get off to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain that he disconnected me. so i'm pissed again and i storm off to bed with a few parting 4 letter words (ya'll know my potty mouth, lol)

now dd sleeps in our room on a pallet on the floor. i was worried about going to bed because i figured he'd come yell at me and i didn't want dd to hear it, so i tried to take her into her room. she didn't want to go and started crying, so i let her stay in my room. he comes in five minutes later, yanks the door open and turns the light on making a huge comotion. (it's like 11:30 at this point, middle of the night to dd) then he lies on top of me on the bed and starts in with his lawyer questions that aren't really questions, "why do you have to make everything so hard? why are you being such a hateful ---? why don't you ever love me? why is everyone more important than me? why are you being so unreasonable??" i start in on my "just leave me alone" mantra, saying it over and over in answer to everything he asks. tell him i'm not going to talk to him right now no matter what he does, that i need my sleep and so does dd so leave me alone. over and over. he leaves, then five minutes later comes back. starts in again. then leaves again, then come back. finally takes his pillow and blanket and goes to the couch. he came to bed at some point in the night and i vaguely remember him talking to me, but i can't remember what was said. this morning i go to get him up for work and he just lies in bed sobbing. i don't know why and i honestly don't care. he cries all through his morning routine and all the way to work. cries some more as he gets out of the car. then as he leaves he says "why don't you just call your dad? you don't want to do anything to make this work, you refuse to make any compromises, you're a hateful horrible person and you're never gonna change. why don't you just leave?" then shuts the door.

i didn't say a single word to him all morning.

accckkk!!! i need to call my dad, i need to get the nerve to just do it. but i know that he will be a different person the next day and be all appologetic and make promises he can't keep, and i'm afraid i'll just wuss out again.

i have to try to get my head straight, because i have no idea what he's going to be like this afternoon when he gets off work. it's either going to be mr nice guy again, or hell of wheels, and i dont have any way of predicting which it will be. gotta get it together, i've got to get out of here. he's really never gonna change. that's so incredibly hard to accept, but it's obvious. he just doesn't have it in him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:56am
Dont feel bad for what you did. It sounds like self defense to me anyway. Most of the times my bf was putting his hands all over me I was trying to push him away or something, usually he would have me in a way i couldnt fight back or I could just oull his hair or something, I would retaliate after, if I had enough strength by clocking him one, or throwing something at him. I gave him a blck eye about 3 times but he had always started it. There were 2 times I started it physically both because he threatened to get my (our) kids taken away when they had just come back home 5 months prior, and he was the cause of them to get taken, and I worked my butt off to get them back, wiht absolutely no help from him.

So dont feel bad. You had to do what you had to do. And I know the feeling of not feeling bad. He did this to you for 4 years, your punches,headbutt, is nothing compared to the misery and pain you have endured being with him. Thats how I see it in my situation too. I mean he even caused my brain to short circuit and landed me in the hospital. I also have one side of my jaw unhinged because of him, and my nose is a little crooked on the end. I';m glad you know you have to get out. I hope you do. I think it was April who told me in the past is that is when they "break" you. But in my eyes it seemed more like self defense to him twisting your arm to make him stop. I used to have to do something to make my bf stop twisting my muscles or it would be more than my calf that would have scar tissue and ripped. He did it to my boob a couple times when i was breastfeeding, ooh the pain. He had even twisted so hard he had drawn blood on them, and they had bruises that looked like fingers. It was horrible. Too bad I didnt do that to his babymaker. He probably would have killed me though or landed me in the hospital.

I hope you can get away from this as i hate to see you suffering like this. I remember how unbearable it was to be tormented and beaten day in and day out not knowing when and how long it would go on and if there would be a day where he stopped causing me such physical pain. The mental pain was bad too dont get me wrong, but I wasnt scared of being mamed for life everyday or my kids getting hurt or taken, and I felt I had nowhere to turn because I was in a catch-22 with admitting the abuse. Admit it, my kids get taken, endure it my kids stay-hopefully.

Stay safe and keep us updated as to how your doing, as I'm worried. Take care of you and your little ones!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:38pm

Oh Yo! Oh yo! Slow down, Girlfriend! You don't want HIM calling the cops on YOU! This is when you need to look into a good old fashioned kickboxing class at the local gym. Kick the bag, not him. You don't want to lose your kids. I know it felt good, I know he deserved it, and I know you'd do it again in a heartbeat, but you can't. Violence is never acceptable. And you have nooooo idea what I'd give for two minutes alone in a room with Steve Parker in shackles and me weilding a baseball bat. (No way I'm breaking a fingernail for his sorry butt! LOL)


Step back and take a deep breath. You know you've got to leave. You know you have to. The way out is not through a hospital room, and he'll get you harder than you'll get him. That is an historical fact. I know you don't listen to country, but the Dixie Chicks put it right, "Earl walked righ through that restraining order and put her in intensive care." Be careful. I know he deserved it, but you don't wanna be the one charged with the crime. Although, I think a judge would see your point of view, you don't want to find yourself there.


Best thing you can do is get out. Call your dad and go help him renovate his garage. Check out the laws on taking your kids across state lines first. I'm sure you already have, plus you have the police repoirt from the beginning of the year to help you.


The honeymoon is over and so is the marriage. Watch your back.

Sammi


Sammi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 2:20pm
Yeah i do agree there. sorry i overlooked that one, but sometimes when your getting your arm twisted so hard your not sure if they will break it we do anything to stop them, or if your muscles are being twisted to the point that your not sure if he tore them or not,Id rather do something so he stops his grasp then sit there and wait until Im the one at the emergency room. But yeah these guys are capable of turning things on us as it is, they could get you arrested, Im just saying sometimes for them to let go of there grasp desperate measures are sometimes taken. Although sometimes they will retaliate harder if you're fighting back. My abuser didnt like how it felt for me to fight back and thinks twice about putting his hands on me, also because I made it perfectly clear I WILL call the cops and put him back in jail, and I wont back down this time, and he knows it. Sad that it took him going to jail for a measley 3 months for him to think about his actions and control his impulses.And sorry if when I was pregnant and I get punched in the head or choked that I dont take a swing, as I REFUSE to sit there and take a beating so he does it again or keeps going or hurt my unborn child. as they NEVER let you get to the phone or out the door. So no it isnt ok to hurt anyone, but self defense is another story. in my state it doesnt matter if you hit back or not if the cops are called on a domestic than both of you are getting arrested, it doesnt matter if you are black and blue and he has no marks, if they lie and say you pushed them if you didnt touch them, than you have to go to court. I wasnt arrested because I went down to the cops to have him and his mom removed, and I was considered handicapped because I was pregnant, while his mom called the cops when she wasnt there during it and was trying to get ME arrested so she could take my kids and reported the arresting officer for not arresting me! They said even if she did fight back she was protecting her unborn, but not much you can do when your getting choked and your head slammed all over the place. Why again am i still with this creep? It still puzzles me.

Again sorry,sorry,sorry

So sorry if I came off the wrong way, I was in no way saying she should go on and keep hitting him or whatever.Getting out of the situation is always the best route.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 2:49pm

Totally did not take it that way! Absolutely self-defense is awesome. An dshould certainly be used! I'm just saying, be careful. Obviously if you're having your head pounded into a wall (or whatever else)

Sammi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 4:05pm
I know every situation is different. But the one thing I have learned is that most abusers have control issues. And do not like losing that control or being shown up. I would be willing to bet that hitting back will either lead to a worse beating if he is much stronger than you or if you are an equal match then I would guess he will spend a whole lot of time thinking of new ways to regain control. Maybe I am just a bit skittish from my own experiences. But I really really urge you to be careful. If he could've changed he would've by now. You say all the time that he cries. He is obviously tormented. I worry that if you are reaching your breaking point, and he is so unstable already that full blown war is not far around the corner. You had the advantage this time in that he had no clue that you had it in you. Now he has an inkling. But I would guess he still believes himself to be the one in the power. When will it end? Fighting to the death? Please be careful hun. He has no right to "let you talk on the phone" he has no right to hurt you. I wish I beleived that fighting back was the answer, and I can well understand the rush it gave you to do so. I just dont think that it will make him see the light and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I think it will only escalate things. He sounds so wounded and tormented with his innerself that I really beleive if he could've changed on his own he would've by now. I hope you find peace and a safe place soon. You and your kids deserve it.

Safe Journey

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 5:09pm
Ok, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I wasn't saying yeah go for it. I wasnt sure after your post if thats how i came across. But the thing with this state that is crappy (i had to edit)because not only did having the fear of getting my kids taken stop me from calling the cops, it was the fact that most likely I would be arrested to, which did happen the first time i called the cops and he was initially put on probation, and they nollyed it because he had past DV on his record because of his mom calling the cops, and he never admitted after he bashed me in the back of my head, almost kncking me through a window on the 2nd floor, I turned around rushing him to try to push him down the stairs, i knew he was too strong and held himself back but was sooo mad. Becuase then he turned and attacked me by taking me by the kneck and bashing my head repeatedly into the wall. i was pregnant with my son that time. God both times he got arrested I was pregnant that must of made him look bad. So thats why i said, it could infuriate them more and cause them to do more damage as it had almost always happened to me, unless he was doing the twisting muscles thing,that was THE worst!. But his probation was a joke. for those 2 years the probation officer knew he was doing drugs but knew him as he had him in the past so purposely never gave him urines and this time he uses a pee cleaner. It sucks cause I was always hoping at least the pee tests would end him up in rehab or jail or something. He's been on probation for like 4 years now I think. it started over when he went to jail 2 years ago. and now as of June 6th he has only one year to go. God this sounds mean but I hope he messes up not the DV but the drug thing.But I think its fat chance in u know what. As i felt 3 months was not enough time for the things he had done to me. he probably would've gotten longer if I didnt take back what I said and finished off his 2 years probation in jail, but I was stupid. Didnt want my kids hating me because I sent their dad to jail which he would have made sure he told them when i got older and would probably try to convinve him i was the one abusing him. Arent these guys great?Puke!The system is better huh? Probation is a joke here. As it never taught him anything, but how to beat the system.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 6:37pm
Hi there,

I am from the other two domestic abuse boards and lurk here from time to time. Clarity I have been following your posts and I have to say that this situation has gone from bad to worse. From your post I can tell that you are well aware of this.

I work as a social worker for Head Start and have worked very closely with child protective services with families experiencing DV. I am not sure what state you are in, but I had to speak up. I was in an abusive relationship too and got out four years ago, so I do have some understanding of what you are going through.

Your posts describing the fights are of huge concern to me not only for your safety but even more so for your children's safety and emotional well being. I know that the time that your H threw his cup of coffee at you one of your children was in the car. It just makes me cringe thinking that your child could have been burned accidently during that fight.

But this latest stuff is really scary clarity. I get it, you are fighting back, taking your power back and it has to feel awesome. It has to give you such a rush to feel like you have some power over him. I do get worried that he is now going to have to find another way to control you. Another poster mentioned this.

I do get worried also that you could find yourself in jail very easily. He just needs to have a mark from you hitting him and you could go to jail. If it happened in front of your children your charges could become felony charges. If he wanted to play really dirty, while you are in jail he could file for temporary custody and an RO and if he got it, you wouldn't be able to see your children until a court date.

The other part is that any domestic violence that happens in front of your children is reportable to child protective services. CPS and the courts are taking a harder look at DV and there is so much evidence as to the horrific effects DV has on children, even fighting without the physical violence. So if there was a physical fight in front of the children and the police came, you could both be charged with child endangerment as well as failure to protect. Your children could be removed and placed in temporary foster care.

Ok, that is the tough stuff and I think I sound a little preachy and I am sorry for that. I don't want to see you lose your children or your life. Like I stated earlier this situation is escalating and I fear if you stay any of this could happen.

Let me say that I have had my share of fights in front of my daughter. I have seen her at the age of 2 step in between us and shout "stop stop stop". I have seen her sitting in my room in a corner singing and rocking herself while her dad and I had one of those ridiculous arguments because there were males at my job and I must be messing around with all of them.

Before I left I decided that he and I would go to couples counseling and we met the counselor. She asked me to come alone the next week. The first thing she said to me that second week was that she was very concerned for my safety and thought I was in imminent danger. She said she was thinking about me at home and she never did that. She said she wouldn't see us together but she would like to work with me. That was a major reality check for me. She also said that it would be my love and concern for my daughter that would give me the motivation to finally leave. I did leave about one month later.

After I left when I would have contact with my daughter's dad he would just cry and cry. He was so sorry for everything he had ever done. He would say all those things that we have all heard over and over. He did this for months, looking back I can't believe I actually listened to him. So here we are four years later, he has been arrested and jailed for beating up his current girlfriend, his infant baby was removed by CPS for suspicious marks and rectal bleeding (they got the baby back not sure why). He still cries that he doesn't see his daughter enough, he has been court ordered now 4 times to do the 52 week DV class, he hasn't done it yet. He can't get the concept that it is his choices that have paved the way for his life. Everything is still my fault and I am 450 miles away. I mention this because he is still the same after all the crying and begging. He will never change only now he isn't controlling my life. Me? I have worked as a social worker for 3 years, I just bought a house, I have all my old friends back and lots of new ones. I can walk around Target for hours and not be accused of messing around in the dressing rooms. I can talk on the phone as long as I want, I can watch any tv shows and listen to any music.

I have had to go to court over custody issues about 5 times and I still have sole custody of our daughter. It took four years to get to a good place in my life, but I am here. Oh I forgot to mention that I was court ordered to anger management because I admitted to arguing with him in front of our daughter. I had this problem of getting sucked in to his bs.

Ok, this got long and I apologize. I just didn't want to sound like I was lecturing you, I wanted you to know that I have been there.

I am not trying to make you feel threatened with all of this CPS law enforcement stuff. I just want you to know what you could be up against. I suggest that you stop beating the tar out of him and call the cops when he does what he does. Get a paper trail going. You could even call CPS yourself and tell them you need help. That looks much better than them getting a report somewhere else. They like it when people know there is a problem and ask for help.

If you decide to stay, it is really really important that you have a good solid safety plan for you and your kids. Talk to your neighbors, tell them if they hear fighting to call the police.

I prefer your other plan of getting the heck out of there. I suggest that if you decide to leave, just leave. No note, just leave with the basics and any necessary paperwork. Go to your dad's and file for an RO and temporary custody the second you get there.

I keep saying this but I will say it again, please don't take this as a lecture about what I have done and what I think you should do. I just get nervous when I read your posts about your situation. You are stronger than you will ever know and can go to your dad's if that's what you choose to do.

Hugs

Liz

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 7:27pm

((hugs)) We already talked about this so not going to repeat all of what


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:01pm
thanks for your post issabug, and no, i didn't take it as preachy at all. i know what i did was wrong and i make no excuses whatsoever for it, it was wrong, period. but i still stand by what i said, i just don't care anymore. i don't care if he kills me, at this point that's probably the only way i'm ever gonna get out of this hell.

i know dv in front of the kids is child abuse, if you've been following my story you know that i've already dealt with cps once over this. i called the cops on him and was accused of failure to protect for running out of the house without my son when B wouldn't let me leave with him. i fought that with all my might and got the case dropped. i sent B to jail on a felony count for choking me in front of the kids, and i'll happily do it again if i need to. my kids were not here when all that went down the other day, if they had been i would never have done it. i don't fight in front of my kids, i know how damaging that is to them. my dad broke my mom's arm in front of my bro and i when we were toddlers and i remember the pure terror of that moment, so i do everything in my power to keep my kids away from it. if a verbal fight starts in front of the kids i will not fight back, i will repeat "we'll talk about it after the kids go to bed" like a broken record until he gives up. there has not been any physical stuff (except my tantrum the other day) since his little trip to the slammer, and very little verbal in front of the kids. i won't allow it.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm so so very confused and discouraged at this point, i feel like there's just no strength left. i think he's finally beaten me. i don't even think about leaving anymore, because i feel like it will never happen for me. when we start in on the same old fights and fall back into the same old cycles i just want to cry. i'm never going to be done with this, i'm such a huge wimp i'm never going to get away. i've never felt so lost in my life. now that i finally have a place to go and a way to start over with my life, i'm having to face the fact that it was never really a matter of not having the resources to leave, it was a matter of being the world's biggest chicken.

i've got to get it together...sigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 1:12pm
thanks to everyone for your responses. i know what i did was wrong but i can't honestly say i'm sorry for doing it. i'm so furious and sick of all this i don't care. thanks for your input though.

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