I don't feel good...(m)
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|Sun, 02-02-2003 - 3:21pm|
I don't feel good...(m)
I am having trouble lately... some anxiety and a lot of sadness and wondering why I'm stuck here. Today is four years since a good friend of mine, Fred, died. He was on the fire department and 32 years old. He and I both had strange schedules and would always end up at the station in the middle of the night talking. He would tell me that he was hungry and ask me to go to the truck stop with him. We sat and talked and talked for hours. It felt like he should have been my brother instead of the one I had that I never saw. I'd try to pay for my food but he'd tell me that he invited me so he'd pay. I always wanted to repay him but an aneurysm took his life before I ever got to pay him back. There are few people that I ever got this close to.
This whole Columbia thing makes things even worse. I see flags at half mast and I think of Fred and the service we gave him. I feel like I need to cry but it won't come out. I just kind of feel sad but numb.
How do old people do it? They lose their friends one by one but yet they go on. How?
February is a bad month for me because of my friend's death and also the anniversary of the arson fire that burned my station down. February 27th 2000 a fellow firefighter set a fire that destroyed the station. I must have been considered a suspect cause they questioned me for what felt like forever. I remember being so physically frozen that I couldn't write the written statement very well at all.
Why am I stuck here in a world that has all this turmoil when the slightest change sets a reaction off of anxiety or sadness? Why did God put me here? He must obviously think I can take it.
I bought a plane ticket to California yesterday, then realized it was a 2000 mile trip one way. Now I am usually not afraid of flying but of the other people on the plane...but the thought of flying 2000 miles (twice!) in a time filled with the threat of war just has me really scared. I hope things calm down internationally by May but I have doubts.
Anyone ever had a dream and then became really sad when you woke up and realized it was just a dream? I had a dream last night that my mom was walking around the house just doing the things she always did. Then I woke up. I see her decline every day and wonder if this is my last year with her and worry that I will end up like her but with no one to help me. Or I worry that I will end up totally dependent on someone and the thought just kills me.
Silly thing here... My Dad is LOUD. He doesn't do anything quietly and when he stomps through the house and he speaks it is so loud... I wish I could turn his volume down because when he is so loud the dizziness, trouble breathing, etc starts. I know I shouldn't be frightened because he's never been abusive or anything but I am. I can't tell him to please quiet down because it would upset him if I said that.
Maybe I just have a bad attitude. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with things better then sometimes I feel like I'm about to fall apart.
sorry for rambling...