I don't feel good...(m)
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| Sun, 02-02-2003 - 3:21pm |
I don't feel good...(m)
I am having trouble lately... some anxiety and a lot of sadness and wondering why I'm stuck here. Today is four years since a good friend of mine, Fred, died. He was on the fire department and 32 years old. He and I both had strange schedules and would always end up at the station in the middle of the night talking. He would tell me that he was hungry and ask me to go to the truck stop with him. We sat and talked and talked for hours. It felt like he should have been my brother instead of the one I had that I never saw. I'd try to pay for my food but he'd tell me that he invited me so he'd pay. I always wanted to repay him but an aneurysm took his life before I ever got to pay him back. There are few people that I ever got this close to.
This whole Columbia thing makes things even worse. I see flags at half mast and I think of Fred and the service we gave him. I feel like I need to cry but it won't come out. I just kind of feel sad but numb.
How do old people do it? They lose their friends one by one but yet they go on. How?
February is a bad month for me because of my friend's death and also the anniversary of the arson fire that burned my station down. February 27th 2000 a fellow firefighter set a fire that destroyed the station. I must have been considered a suspect cause they questioned me for what felt like forever. I remember being so physically frozen that I couldn't write the written statement very well at all.
Why am I stuck here in a world that has all this turmoil when the slightest change sets a reaction off of anxiety or sadness? Why did God put me here? He must obviously think I can take it.
I bought a plane ticket to California yesterday, then realized it was a 2000 mile trip one way. Now I am usually not afraid of flying but of the other people on the plane...but the thought of flying 2000 miles (twice!) in a time filled with the threat of war just has me really scared. I hope things calm down internationally by May but I have doubts.
Anyone ever had a dream and then became really sad when you woke up and realized it was just a dream? I had a dream last night that my mom was walking around the house just doing the things she always did. Then I woke up. I see her decline every day and wonder if this is my last year with her and worry that I will end up like her but with no one to help me. Or I worry that I will end up totally dependent on someone and the thought just kills me.
Silly thing here... My Dad is LOUD. He doesn't do anything quietly and when he stomps through the house and he speaks it is so loud... I wish I could turn his volume down because when he is so loud the dizziness, trouble breathing, etc starts. I know I shouldn't be frightened because he's never been abusive or anything but I am. I can't tell him to please quiet down because it would upset him if I said that.
Maybe I just have a bad attitude. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with things better then sometimes I feel like I'm about to fall apart.
sorry for rambling...
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Oh Marty...
You don't have a bad attitude, Marty...anniversary dates are a very difficult time to go thru. They bring up so many memories, and the memories can be so strong and painful. I am so proud of you for getting all of your feelings out! Your letter touched me, because I have felt so many of the things that you are feeling right now. I, too, had a really good friend die unexpectedly in a car accident and every year on his anniversary death, I have more anxiety. In fact, the whole week before is horrible. As time went by, it was getting a little easier, but then on his 15th anniversary, me and my kids got into a car accident...and right when the car hit us, I was thinking about him. That was when my panic attacks started.
Sounds like Fred was a wonderful friend. I am glad that you had him in your life...and sad that he was taken from you too soon. I often wonder the same thing about how older people do it. I have no idea somedays. I look at older people sometimes and think about how strong they are and I just get blown away. I think it is because they have gone thru tough times, like we all are right now, and it makes them stronger...like it is making us.
Hang in there Marty and keep posting how you are feeling. It is a good way to express your sadness and even though the feelings are painful to experience, you need to express them so that they don't build up. We all are here for you...
Take Care, Lisa
Oh, Marty. ((((HUGS))))
I agree with Lisa, You definately don't have a bad attitude. We must allow ourselves to grieve on days of rememberence of our lost loved ones. It is a natural occurance in the grieving process and a special time to set aside for remembering the wonderful things that person contributed to our lives.
I am sorry to hear that your Mom isn't feeling any better. Try to hang in there hon. I am glad to see you sharing your feelings, I know it must help a little to let someone in on your pain, and I am here for you, praying.
HUGS~Kelly
Marty.......
Your post was so touching & close to home.
Events have a way of triggering feelings, emotions & memories. Your friend was a special part of your life.
Loud noises bother me too. My husband loves to have the volume WAY UP while watching TV & it really bothers me. (Headphones solved that problem for the most part.)
Know that we are all here to support & help each other.
Sending hugs your way, Marty.
Take care, Pattie
(((MARTY))) *m*
Marty. here's a great big hug for you!!! ((( )))
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can relate to a lot of your post, especially with being a bad month. November is my bad month. Thanksgiving is the anniversary of my Dad's death...he died in 1996. Three years before that my mom got married to a guy I very much dislike and the year before that was the first time I tried to take my own life. November is very hard on me and even though all the stuff that happened was years ago I still get very depressed during the month of November.
You had a lot of things happen to you in the month of Feb. A good friend of yours passing, the fire, being suspected...omg I've been interrigated for hours too before and I know how honestly traumatizing it is. It's totally understandable that it would be a difficult time for you right now. Just make sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself to express the emotions you're feeling. Supressing them will only make you feel worse.
I too, often think about how older people do it when their friends start dying. My grandmother is going through that right now. She had 7 brothers and sisters, she's the youngest, and all of them have died except for one. She's also seen a lot of her friends die too. She's said to me a number of times how it makes her so scared, that she knows her time is coming and it's scary for her to watch all this happen to her friends and family and to see that that's her future. It breaks my heart to hear her say that. But she keeps going. She's almost 80 years old and she's out of the house every day shopping, going to her exercise classes, her senior clubs, movies, etc. She keeps going and doesn't give up.
I can understand how scary it would be to travel 2000 miles but you are a strong person to be able to do that! I think you'll have fun too. I don't know if this will make you feel any better but you're going to be within just a few minutes of my house so if you need ANYTHING I'll be right here! I'll give you my phone number so if you need anything you can call and I'll be within a few minutes of you if you need me!
Hopefully I'll see you online tomorrow so we can chat. I hope you feel better, Marty!
HUGS, Erin =)
((marty))
AWW Marty, I'm so sorry your having a tought time right now. I get that way every year on the day my dad passed away. But be patient with yourself ok? When you grieve your spirit wants quiet and other noises are very disturbing. And of course things are going to remind you more of him, like the flags. Take one day at a time and it will take care of itself. I wish I could say something to make it all better but we all know that's impossible. I will be praying for you.
Marty ~ (M)
I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a sad month! Sounds like you have had alot of things happen in your life in this month & I am so sorry to hear about all of them! But, you are still here and you are such a strong person! You have every right to grieve in your friends loss, the shuttle tradgedy, in your mothers gradual changes, and the fire house incident ~ Those are all awful, sad events that have been happening in your life. Please take time to grieve and let your feelings out & also be good to yourself too!
I am flying on my honeymoon in June to the Caribbean and I am also nervous with how everything is going in this world. But, we can not allow that to stop us from enjoying our life and doing things that will make us happy! I think a trip to California will be great for you and give you something fun to look forward too! And Erin will be close to you if you need someone, which is always reassuring!!!
I don't know how older people do it, I guess they just keep their memories of their friends and loved ones dear to their hearts. They take care of themselves and realize that if they believe it - they will all be together again one day, when it is their time!!!
HUGS TO YOU MARTY ~ I hope you get to feeling better soon & please continue to share your feelings here!!! Trish
Feel better soon, Marty! nt