November Exercise:
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-13-2001 - 3:04pm |
November Exercise:
Do not rejoice over what has not yet happened - Egyptian Proverb
Ben could have walked out on this earlier, could still walk but her screams kept him from leaving. He understood her completely, this woman beneath him. The rage, the hunger, the fascination she placed upon him was never withdrawn.
He slipped on his jeans and T-shirt and went downstairs. She moaned as she moved to place her feet upon the floor, her legs weak from being wrapped around him all night.
“I’ll put on the coffee Jaycee, start the shower,” he shouted.
He felt awkward knowing this could be the last time he slept with his girlfriend. He planned to tell her last night but the words inside him could not be forced passed his lips.
Ben looked over at her; opened his mouth to say the words he’s attempted to say for months. He placed the cups on the green marble countertop and stepped into the shower stall.
“What’s wrong, Ben? Will you please tell me what is going on? I know something is wrong.” She asked from the other side of the shower door.
“Jaycee, I just need some time to myself. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
Over the years, he had wanted to leave her but knew what she would put him through. Every time he tried to tell her that it was time to grow up, put away the memories and move on, he didn’t. She had devoured him and he was ready to admit it to her now.
“As much as I love you Jaycee, I want something new, I want a new life, I ‘m moving out and on with my life.”
She placed her arms around his neck, pressed close against his chest so he could feel her breast through his shirt and reminded him that she felt so good. Jaycee whispered into his ear, “I can’t tear myself away from you.”
They held each other for a long time and he whispered to her, “I’m involved with someone else and she’s going to have my child. Our relationship has to end.”
He saw tears in her eyes but she kept smiling and said, “But please don’t make me, don’t make me give you up. I will kill you before I let you go.”
“I’ve got to go now.”
“Who is she? Is she that little bitch that works with you? It is that Kelly?” Jaycee screamed at him. She moved across the room following him out the door. “I’ll never give you up Ben Hamrick. Do you hear me? I’ll never agree to this,” Jaycee yelled.
He opened the driver’s door and stood there. Tears running down his cheeks. Slowly he closed the door and waved to her through the open window. His heart ached. He wanted all those babies that Jaycee lost as much as she did. But now he would finally have a child and Jaycee would have to understand. He mastered the task, he would rejoice in seven months.
On that Friday evening he returned to his house, packed up his personal belonging and hoped he would be gone before Jaycee came home. It was difficult to leave this part of his life; ten years of lovemaking to the one he gave his virginity to. Ten years of wanting and waiting for the child they never had. Ten years of watching Jaycee turn this into an obsession.
He sat on the chair beside the bed and watched her. She entered the bedroom door and stood in front of him for a moment. Her hair pulled back with a clip, the way he liked. She sat on the bed; one leg curled under her, and pulled back the strand of hair that had fallen over her eye. She said nothing, but smiled.
“I’m going to rent a truck to move some of the furniture tomorrow. I’ll be leaving Clayton soon, it will be best if you don’t know where I’m moving too.”
“Want a beer?” she asked.
“I’m on my way out the door.”
“You can stay and have a beer can’t you?”
He shook his head and looked back at her. He watched her; she stretched, showing her perfect curves and rolled unto her belly, displaying her tight jeans across her ass.
Neither of them spoke, Ben stood and for the last time, walked away from Jaycee, stepping out the bedroom door.
“Oh, Ben … Ben… no Ben, don’t do this,” she screamed. “Don’t celebrate over what has not yet happened you bastard.”
Ben called Jaycee on a Tuesday, three months after he had moved. He cried while they talked. He cried, telling her that Kelly wasn’t pregnant with his baby, she lied to him. It wasn’t his child. Jaycee told him that she loved him and was waiting for him to come back to her. She knew he would return to her, he belonged to her.

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Great story (m)
The characters are strong, realistic dialogue and I was duped , I thought she was going to kill him, glad she didn't!
I love the range of emotions in this story. Great Job
Maria
Good story thia.(m)
I really liked the (sort of) twisted, co-dependant relationship between these two. It reminded me a little of Fatal Attraction, and I thought she might wind up killing him too.
There's one teeny tiny thing that bothered me, and I'm not sure why. It's when he describes her as his "girlfriend". Somehow, it seems like you need a stronger word to describe her here. (Grab the Roget's because I can't think of what it would be -- paramour? Lover?) Girlfriend just seems a little too weak for this relationship.
Great fun reading this. Keep up the good work.
Linda
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
I liked this one (m)
You did a great job with this proverb. Very fitting!
I had mixed emotions over Jaycee and Ben. I didn't like her controlling, obsessive nature and felt sorry for him but then felt sorry for her that he cheated on her. And the fact, he slept with her one last time knowing he was planning to leave made him a little of a scum bucket. So I felt he sort of deserved Kelly telling him a lie about the baby.
I really enjoyed this. Great job, Thia_d!
Mac
Thanks Mac. I'm glad you like the story. Yes, Ben (m)
is/was a jerk. This was a fun exercise.
Thanks Linda for the critique. I agree, the term (m)
'girlfriend' was alittle weak. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thank for the critique Maria, (m)
Who knows, maybe Jaycee will. Thanks again for the kind words.
Thia, I thought this was really good (m)
you did a great job of portraying a destructive relationship between two manipulative people. Your dialogue was great too. The only problem I had with it was your end paragraph, where you suddenly brought the whole story to its conclusion; it was a change in pacing that didn't work. You covered a lot of events as though they were an afterthought.
I don't know if you're under a word restriction here, but if you wanted to wrap it up fast, it might work better by going into her pov--where she anticipates what's going to happen: She knew he'd be back, she knew the bitch was lying etc (I don't know how she'd know this, but she's not exactly the most rational person around). Maybe this is a ploy he's used before to break up with her. How sick!
e
Thanks e, very good point here. I appreciate your advice. (n/t)
Haunting, In a Way ...(m)
I find the dependent, clingy relationship, sort of haunting. Like Linda stated, "Fatal Vision." I think you did well with this.
But I have to ask, did you plan to write this in present or past tense? I found places where you switched back and forth. I think you're improving in this area, and I have to commend you for tackling such a hard one, that's a reason I DON'T write in present tense. I don't have the patience or skill. Thanks for sharing this, Sammi
Thanks for the critique Sammi. May (m)
I ask you to point out the places where I switched back and forth? I can't seem to find this. I wrote this in past tense.
I would like to write in present .... but there is alot to be learned to accomplishment such a thing. Thanks again for reading this piece and I look forward to your reply.
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