New Sobriety and New Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
New Sobriety and New Relationship
7
Tue, 03-25-2003 - 1:09pm
Hi girls, I may be posting a lot in the near future, so be warned! I just completed a 5 week outpatient program last night and I'm worried that without the constant distraction, I will lose sight of all of my accomplishments and forget about what my sobriety has given me. I am grateful for this forum!

Here comes my question - I am new to sobriety and have also just begun a new relationship. I have been honest with him about being sober and why I am doing this (although not too revealing - he doesn't need to know ALL my dirt!) and he is completely supportive of my sobriety. He does drink but he is not a problem drinker.

My counselor at my outpatient facility warned me to take things slow in this relationship. I am worried that I am "replacing" my drinking with a relationship instead of facing my real demons on my own. Does anyone have any advice for me on how not to do this?

My drinking problem stemmed from a loss of control when I drank, once I started, I was powerless to control how much I had. I haven't had a problem not drinking daily, when I used it was only 1 or 2x/week and sometimes not at all. (In the past it was much more often, when I was in college.)

So I don't think I am replacing my problem with him, because I don't feel I am using his company to assuage my cravings to drink. Although I must admit, it is nice to have him to hang out with on the weekends when most of my friends are either in significant relationships or out binge drinking. So in this sense I feel good about not isolating myself, because I feel if I were at home lonely I would feel a strong desire to drink to curb the boredom.

Hope this isn't too lengthy, I really like this guy and we have a strong connection. I want to do this right. Thanks for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 03-25-2003 - 1:55pm
First of all, and most important - congrats on your sobriety and finishing the outpatient treatment - it takes a lot of courage to go through with what you have done!!! You are welcome to post here as often and as much as you would like. Please bear with me with these new boards - I am finding it difficult to maneuver around and it will take some getting used to. Your counselor has some valid concerns about your sobriety with regard to your new relationship. Although there are no "rules", I have heard it recommended that a newly sober person avoid any relationships for at least a year. However, you have been given some very good information which may help you to avoid the pitfalls of a new relationship while in early recovery. I think it is important to ask yourself to check out your motives and to remember first and foremost - it is only one day at a time. Looking forward to getting to know you better!!!!! Many hugs, Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-25-2003 - 2:14pm
Hello Lindsay, I think if you take you new relationship slowly you should be OK< But she is right! We have all been where you are now, We made and so can you! Were here all day & Night, How have you been feeling? Anything that you need to know Please ask!

Hug's Karen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-25-2003 - 5:52pm
Hi... Sounds like you convinced yourself you were not replacing one with the other right after you asked the question (smile)..

I am afraid I have to agree with your counselor.. I have seen hundreds of brand new sober relationships go bad and sometimes with the drinker getting drunk.. But, of course, that does not mean it will happen to you. The main thing is keeping priorities in prospective. I think we can make it through anything as long as we keep soberity #1.

Everything is hard when we are newly sober.. Just day to day living is hard to learn how to do sober when we have done it drunk for so long.. Personally I came out of treatment and got right in AA so I had a hugh amount of support, sponsor and the program to throw myself into working.. AA and all the people there helped me through every "new" thing I had to face. I don't know how I would have made it without it.. But, thats what worked for me and all I can share is my own experience's..

Here is one easy daily rule I live by: That is Soberity comes 1st. Because if I drink I will loose the very thing (s) I placed in front of soberity.. I have to do something everyday towards insuring my soberity.. Hey !! Its worked for almost 23 years now..

Good luck to you in your new relationship.. All my best to you both..

Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:24am
Thanks everyone. I am thankful to be sober and I will for sure put that first, I know NO relationship of mine will survive if I don't have my sobriety.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:48am
I'm just glad your sober! You should be proud of your self! I'm proud of you!

Hug's Karen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:31pm
Hi, welcome to the board. I think that as long as you keep your priorities in perspective, you won't have a problem. Don't make any serious commitments towards this new relationship quite yet, and continue to seek out other supportive, sober friends. It never hurts to meet new people and seek out supportive, fun companionship. Try not to make this relationship the only outside entertainment that you have to keep yourself from becoming bored. Join new clubs, seek new friends, try a new hobby. Now that you have the opportunity to live a sober life, continue to expand your life with lots of different things. Congratulations on completing your treatment and I look forward to getting to know you better. Keep posting

Nina
Avatar for rosolo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:34pm
Congrats on completing your program! You have much to be pleased with

yourself about. You have shared some very insightful, solid

ideas on which you continue to build your sobriety.

Please continue to come here and post with us on your journey.

As for the question about the relationship, all I can think of to

advise you is to be honest (as you have) about your sobriety. Be

honest if it makes you feel uncomfortable or antsy with him drinking.

If you approach the relationship with honesty, one step at a time,

you should have success in this and any relationship.

Kudos for placing your sobriety first and foremost, as that is

where it should be.

Looking forward to future postings.

Rose