I JUST CANT STOP DRINKING!
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|Wed, 11-19-2003 - 9:21am|
I started drinking when I was 16, on a regular basis. I enjoyed a 6 pk. of beer a day. As time went on, I graduated to a 12 pk. I never drank "hard" liquor until I was 26. Once I started that, I never went back to beer. I felt as though is was a waste of time. I mean, "what's the point"?
When I first realized that I was an alcoholic, it came to me because, I couldn't get through the day without drinking. I worked as a cashier, and one day I noticed my hands shaking when I would hand people back their change. The next day I decided to take some vodka with me to work. They say that vodka is odorless, WRONG!! I got away with it, for awhile. In fact, if anyone knew (which I"m sure they did) noone confronted me. A month or so passed, then I started to drink in the mornings (upon awakening). I knew then, that I had a real problem. I decided to check myself into an alcohol treatment center. But, I wasn't ready to quit. I just wanted to learn how to "control" my drinking. I knew nothing of alcoholism. I graduated from inpatient to outpatient in just a few weeks. On the way home, I decided to test out my "control". I drank a fifth of Crown Royal, some vodka, and more stuff I don't remember. I wound up in the ER with a BAC of 427. I was comatose for several hours. When I "came to" I was so shaky I could not go to the bathroom without the assistance from a nurse. You would of thought that would teach me a lesson. And it did, for a few days. At least, until I felt better.
Now, 6 years later I am still at it. I have been to 4 rehabs, been institutionalized 6 times, have had 3 DUI's, been through a divorce, diagnosed with cirrhosis, made over 60 trips to the ER and countless other things. I am now up to drinking anywhere from a fifth to a liter of whiskey a day.
I know my life is completely unmanageable. I also know how much I have lost. My problem is that I want, to want the will to change. I have been to several AA meetings, and I can see the happiness in sobriety. I go stay sober for a few weeks, sometimes even a month, then I get that old thinking back, and I think that if, "I just could manage this". My rational mind knows that is impossible, but, my alcoholic mind tells me different.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just merely wanting to hear from people that have had the same up hill battle, and how you have conquered it. Thank you.