January exercise.....Linked

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
January exercise.....Linked
9
Mon, 01-07-2002 - 12:58pm

January exercise.....Linked


Cody lazed back against the wooden bench seat drinking his bottled beer and waited. The smog of cigarette smoke lingered while the jukebox played a Dixie Chicks song. He stretched out his long, jean clad legs and rubbed three days worth of whiskers on his tan face. The Kick-n-The-Head bar was crowded. Cody closed his eyes mere minutes when he heard, “Hey sexy, need another beer?”

He flashed a smile, “No, but thanks for asking,” he said then winked at the waitress.

As he watched the waitress curvy behind leave he spied the woman at the bar. She wore a hot pink, short shirt and black leather pants, her bouncy blond curls could be seen under a black felt cowgirl hat. She leaned up against the bar and was speaking to a man wearing a gray suit. The man laughed as she reached across him for some peanuts.

Cody knew he had to make his move soon so he downed the last of his bitter brew and approached the bar. He arrived just as the blond fell into the lap of the man. The guy’s suit jacket had fallen off the back of the stool. She picked it up, apologized and put it back on the stool.

“Shannon darling, I’ve been waiting! Let’s dance.”

Shannon pasted on a fake smile, “Cody; I didn’t see you when I came in.”

He pulled her to the dance floor. “Keep your hands off me, you big brute.”

Cody pushed her along the oval floor two stepping to the music. “Now Shannon, one dance is all I want.”

She purposely stepped onto his boot with her snakeskin boot so Cody forced her closer pressing his muscular body next to her rigid body. He whispered, “Settle down and enjoy the dance.”

“I haven’t seen you since we joined the mile high club in the plane going to Jamaica and that’s all you have to say, is relax!”

He looked into her green eyes, “Did you miss me darling?” and then he stopped dancing .

Shannon panicked, grabbed his arm and with her other hand she felt for the indention in her bra and noticed it was gone. She said, “You son of a bitch! You stole the key that I had stolen from the guy at the bar.”

Cody darted around guys and gals to the back exit door. He sprinted out the door, jumped on his Harley, put on his gloves, started it and sped out of the dark parking lot. He peered over the handlebars and as he past the front entrance he saw Shannon running. Cody knew that she would be on her Harley chasing him soon so he accelerated.

The cool air ruffled his short blond spiked hair, the excitement charged through his body. Cody thought Shannon wouldn’t stop until he handed over the key. The speedometer mark hit seventy as he took a gradual curve. Cody looked over his shoulder and spotted the single light behind him so he raced past the 50-mph sign.

Cody let up on the throttle as he approached the turn off to a sand road. He slowed down, gingerly turned the corner and the first thing he saw was a skunk in the middle of the road. He maneuvered the motorcycle around it and the stench assaulted his senses. Cody laughed he hoped Shannon enjoyed the fragrance and the next thing he saw was a black cow crossing the road. He tried to come to an abrupt stop, which caused the tires to skid. He lost control and ended up in the ditch. Cody had somersaulted over the front of the bike and landed onto the cold ground on his back.

He looked up at the scattered star sky to the full moon and groaned then he heard, “Are you all right, Cody?” Shannon said scanning over him.

He shifted and sat up feeling his legs to see if anything was broken and said, “Yeah, I’m okay but my ankle hurts. Thanks for checking.”

Shannon slugged him in the shoulder and demanded, “Give me the key!”

“Ouch, that was mean! You give me a ride to Mr. Ragston’s house and I’ll think about letting you tag along with me in the mansion.”

“You’re such a gentleman,” she said then strolled away from him.

“Shannon where are you going?”

“I’m going to get my first aid kit, wrap your ankle and then take you to the mansion.”

Cody checked his skinned elbows, hands and waited. Shannon returned and did what she said she was going to do and she handcuffed his wrist onto her wrist.

“Cute Shannon, this is only going to make it more difficult.”

“I don’t trust you, Cody. Now come on we need to get going.”

He hobbled as Shannon set the pace as they traveled over the clods of the worked field. They went past his motorcycle and Cody pouted he thought his baby was a wrecked, twisted heap. They adjusted themselves onto Shannon’s Harley which was a bit tricky since they were joined at their wrists. Cody’s head ached as they headed North to Mr.Ragston’s home he prayed that they wouldn’t meet up with any other obstacles in the road.

He heard the motor slow down as they approached the driveway to the house. “Pull over behind these evergreens, we can walk from there,” Cody said, “Also, keep your jacket on to hide that bright top you’re wearing.”

“Anything else, you’re majesty?”

“Yes, let’s hurry, no telling when the drunk will come home.”

They strolled to the entrance. Two concrete columns with dragons stood tall and proud one on each side of the paved drive. The dwelling was impressive in size, the exterior was stoned and the windows varied in sizes. A security lamp beamed and they both were sensitive to any unusual sounds. Cody retrieved the key from his pocket making sure to keep his gloves on he inserted it into the lock on the heavy, wood door.

He opened the door and with a flashlight he searched for the panel in the hall closet. They both knew that the owner had a special security system that required the front door to be opened with the key and then the key had to be inserted into the alarm system within a minute or it set off a silent signal. Cody found the box and completed the task.

“Wow, look at this place, it’s so huge, I bet it would echo if I shouted,” Shannon whispered.

“Come on, we have to find his office.”

They treaded around the furniture and turned to their right down a hall to some glass doors. They went to the massive oak desk where they searched for hidden buttons. He noticed the flat screen monitor to the expensive Gateway computer and observed a calendar with a circle around the date, Jan. 15.”

“Shannon uncuff me, that way we can get more done,” Cody demanded.

“No way, here’s the safe;” Shannon answered while holding the scenic picture.

They both worked on opening the safe with the tools stashed in their jean pockets. The hinges creaked as the door was opened and Cody and Shannon shined the light inside scanning for the object. But all that was present were papers. He quickly closed the safe. He tensed up as he heard a dog barking; looking down at his watch it read 11:00.

“It’s getting late, we have to hurry!” Cody whispered while Shannon replaced the picture.

They left his office and walked up the winding staircase. They strolled down the carpeted hallway to the master bedroom. Cody sneezed and Shannon jumped before they headed into the large room where they searched along the walls for another safe. The room reeked with a sweaty stench.

Cody located it behind a picture of a horse in a pasture. They unlocked it and peered inside where they found articles of jewelry but not the item they coveted. Frustration emitted from Cody while Shannon pondered and said, “Where would someone hide something that’s worth a cool two mil. I got an idea,” She said as she pulled Cody into the bedroom closet.

He switched on the dome light. The area was spacious and organized. His apartment could fit inside and there still would be room to spare he thought. He watched as Shannon scanned the closet finally resting her eyes on a stack of boxes.

“Come on Cody, I bet it’s in one of these.”

He laughed, “And I bet that shoes are in those.”

They explored five of them when Shannon ran her hand through a small, rectangular box located in a shoebox.

Cody heard, “Bingo, look at this beauty!”

“Wow, look at all those jewels. That’s one valuable dragon.”

As they marveled over the exquisite object they heard a loud noise so they extinguished the light. The noise chimed twelve times and after it stopped they heard footsteps. It wasn’t long when the figure arrived singing at the top of his lungs and he carried a small dog.

Cody and Shannon held their breath and gazed out of a tiny crack as Mr.Ragston stripped down to his boxers and white tee shirt. The dog stood and barked on the bed. He hushed it up then he turned the light off.

Oh shit! Cody thought how we’re they going to escape without the dog catching them. He was used to improvising he hesitated and then listened to the old man’s snoring. A chip of dried manure fell off his boot so he picked it up, opened the door and on their hands and knees Cody and Shannon inched their way to the doorway. They were within five feet of getting out of the room when the dog started barking, jumped off the bed and was coming towards them.

Cody tossed the manure chip towards the animal which distracted it long enough for them to rush out of the room. They sprinted down the staircase but the dog chased after them. Cody and Shannon hustled to the front door but the dog had its mouth around Shannon’s ankle. He kicked at the mutt then they continued to run out the door and down the driveway racing to the hidden motorcycle.

Cody and Shannon stopped to catch their breath when they arrived behind the evergreens.

“What the hell, where is it? Cody stormed, as they stood shocked that the motorcycle wasn’t where they left it earlier.

“I don’t know but let’s get out of here,” Shannon said as they kept to the shadows and sprinted South with the moonbeams help.

Fifteen minutes later they noticed two headlights near so they traveled towards it. Cody and Shannon advanced to what appeared to be a truck. They listened to the running motor and observed the owner wasn’t present. Within minutes they occupied the truck and drove off to town.

Cody expelled some of the tension he was feeling. “Man, that was fun! I hope this junker will get us to town.”

Shannon laughed and said, “Look the hood is beat up, and is painted white while the two front panels are blue.”

Cody stepped down on the gas pedal and the engine sputtered, coughed and barely chugged along the highway. “This piece of shit won’t go any faster. I can’t get it past forty.”

The pickup was filled with extra clothing, holes in the worn seat cover and floorboard. It smelled of gas, grease and sand, dirt covered everything. Cody and Shannon abandoned the truck two blocks from the motel. They walked to the lodging place, rented a room and then collapsed onto the bed. Cody figured that they had a couple of hours to rest, clean up and call a taxi to take them to the airport.

“Shannon darling, take off the cuffs. I need to use the bathroom.”

“Okay, I’ll shower while you take care of your need,” she said while she released the cuff.

Cody listened to the running water. He decided to join her. An hour later they dried each other off and satisfied their hunger for each other. Afterwards Cody asked, “ Shannon would you be my partner in marriage and in crime? We make a good team and we have to get the dragon to its owner in Hong Kong.”

Shannon planted a steamy kiss on his lips and said, “Yes!”

Cody crashed and slept. He awoke two hours later she was gone. He found her note it read, Cody, I was serious about marrying you but I’m not finished running so CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!

Cody chuckled and thought the little vixen had taken the loot and vanished. He looked forward to getting even with her.

Photobucket

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-07-2002 - 10:56pm

Excellent! (m)


There were so many things I liked about your story, especially the bar’s name “The Kick-n-The-Head” and when Shannon tricked Cody into thinking she’s getting the first-aid kit and gets the handcuffs. I also enjoyed the way you made us wonder if the two were in cahoots at the beginning of the story, the bar scene.

One thing I did wonder about was the dog. I couldn’t figure out where he was when Cody and Shannon entered the house. I had a hard time believing (okay, you know I’m an animal lover so my perspective might be off here) that a man who would let his dog sleep with him in the bed would keep him outside. But if he was in the yard, why did he bark when Mr. Ragston came home but not when strangers approached the house? Or was the dog caged in another room and just got excited when his owner came home and was barking cause he was happy to see him?

I loved your ending. Although I liked Cody and Shannon, it was good the way you threw in the part about returning the dragon to its owner. That way we know they were just doing their job and not simply crooks.

Good mysterious story, Maria.

Mac

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 01-08-2002 - 1:26pm

I loved this tale!


AS usual, your colorful, interesting characters caught me right from the start. You are getting very good at building suspense in your stories, too! I leave for a bit, and everyone becomes John Grisham! Shows me, hu....

I had the same question as Mac about the dog, and I wondered at the ease of turning off the alarm system. They seem to know alot about the mansion and all, so I believe that they would know how to turn the system off. I suppose I just wanted to know HOW they got that information. Did they bribe someone at the alarm co.? Have they delt with that system before? Did their employer give them detailed blueprints of the house? It would be an interesting tidbit to know more about their operation, and it would lend another piece of credibility to your characters.

Very well done! I can't wait until Cody finds that gal, either!

Happy 02! Wendy

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 01-08-2002 - 8:13pm

You had me fooled...


I thought they were thugs until the end :)

Cody and Shannon have a mutual distrust that reminds me of the movie where the characters are forever stabbing each other in the back, and forming and disbanding alliances (was it Tom Cruise and Mission Impossible?) .

Good details, good buildup of suspense, good scenes. One thing you could look at is how dialogue appears in fiction books. I believe that dialogue usually starts on a new line.

I'm writing children's picture books, and I was greatly afraid of dialogue. Then I transcribed several children's books into my computer and found the pattern for how dialogue appears, at least in children's literature. Now I'm not so scared of my characters talking to each other!

Have a great day, Eyewrite

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-08-2002 - 11:40pm

Thanks Mac (m)


You surprised me , I thought you would whip my butt for having my character kick the dog, which I apologize for but I'd didn't see anyway else to do it .LOL

I'll try to explain about the dog, I foreshadowed it when I wrote that he quickly shut the safe and tensed up cause he heard a dog barking. In my mind, the dog was in a different room in the house say off the kitchen, but it heard the thieves but when they went upstairs it stopped barking.

Also when I was younger we had a Chicuaua(forgive my spelling) anyway it would bark and run around the room whenever we came home, it was so cute so hince thats where the dog barking comes from.

Help me out since it was confusing how should I rewrite it?

Thanks for reading and the pointers ;)

Maria

Photobucket

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-08-2002 - 11:50pm

Hiya Wendy (m)


I'm really glad that you loved it, I had lots of fun writing it. Thanks for the kind words,your check is definetly in the mail LOL

I appreciate the critique and wondered if you would answer another question for me, did you think the closet scene was too contrived, I wasn't real happy with it but I felt like I didn't have time for them to search his whole room?

Happy 2002

Maria

Photobucket

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-08-2002 - 11:57pm

Thanks Eyewrite (m)


I'm happy you liked it and you're correct on my fear of my characters speaking. LOL I can't say that I have seen Mission Impossible, I'm more into romance and comedy movies.

Maria

Photobucket

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 01-09-2002 - 10:18am

Cute, Maria! ...(m)


I like your main characters, very life-like. I liked the mention of the mile high club, that gives us the info that they're lovers in an original way. I think if you expanded this from both ends, beginning, middle, and end, that this good piece could become a great novel(ella). I know I can't wait to read more about these two.

I had the same questions that the rest had, about the dog, the alarm system. And what DID happen to Shannon's Harley?

I'm not sure what level of critique you want here, but I'll venture in and say that I found some of your sentences to read a little rough. IE: "They went past his motorcycle and Cody pouted he thought his baby was a wrecked, twisted heap."

Overall, you did a good job Maria. I hope you share more of these characters with us. Have a good day, Sammi

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-09-2002 - 3:13pm

Thanks Sammi (m)


Great question, what happened to Shannon's bike? I don't know yet, I just wanted to throw in a few twists.LOL

thanks for the critque and the idea to expand it, who knows what will happen to those two.

Maria

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 01-09-2002 - 6:27pm

Good Title...(m)


Hello Maria!

I liked this story, its twists and turns. I have a good feel for the characters.

A couple of sticklers for you, if you're interested:

She is wearing leather pants, but you mention the tools in their Levis. Also, I found it hard to imagine the tools in their Levis. I think big when I think tools, maybe a clear definition of what kind of tools.

He landed in a ditch, but she helps him as he hobbles over a worked field?

Do you need two hands to ride a motorcycle? What happened to Shannon's bike?

Wouldn't the dog bark as they entered the house? Unless it was an old dog, no hearing. Maybe a little clarifying.

Frustration emitted from Cody-show Cody being frustrated, don't tell us he's frustrated.

Would they have a light on if they are robbing this guy? Is it a flashlight? If so, where did they keep it?

Just some thoughts. I hope you expand, and rework this story. It has potential!!

Thanks for sharing.

Kat

ps~my personal writing mantra is "Show don't tell." Even I continue to struggle with this one. OUI!

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-09-2002 - 9:41pm

Thanks Kat (m)


I'm interested...lots Great feedback, I guess that I need to watch closer and take notes when the t.v. show Alias airs LOL

Thanks for reading!

Maria

Photobucket

Pages