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|Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:55pm|
Where do you go? When the demon gets the best of you? And you succumb? Where? The husband snores away on the couch ("would you pick me up some beer while you're out, honey"). The children are unaware of where you are at, in your head (and you woudn't want them to know, anyway). Mom is in such a good mood. Dinner is percolating away. Laundry is done. House is in order. Everything appears normal. And you sit here. Hating yourself. Unable to stop. Where do you go? You should eat. You should sleep. You should stop. But you are not in control. It only appears that you are. That little "genie in a bottle" is in control. You resist, by making everything appear normal. Don't want to break the routine. No one is seeing your flags. No one is hearing your cries for help. No one is paying attention. And it's your fault. Because you defy that demon, just long enough, to keep everything "normal".
Just two days ago, I told him, as I've told him several times in the past few years; Please listen to me, I've been trying to tell you this for so long, help me. I can deal with so much, this is getting the best of me. Help me.
"Would you pick me up some beer while you're out, honey".
You're going to have to go get some more when you wake up, darlin'.
And that "strong" person in me, berates me. "It's not about him. This is something you need to do yourself. If you smoke, you can't expect the world to stop smoking so you're not tempted. If you eat too much, you can't expect the people around you to stop indulging because you take it to an extreme. If you can't control your drinking, you have to learn to live in a drinking world"
Who do you go to, when you give in to that terrible call of self-destruction? Why don't they understand? Why can't they see? Why can't you stop?
I read once, that the Japanese have a saying (and I'm paraphrasing) "one must get drunk once in a while, to release one's demons". What do you do when the demon possesses you? And no one can see that you are possessed.
I thought I was doing so well. :(