Where?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Where?
19
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:55pm

Where do you go? When the demon gets the best of you? And you succumb? Where? The husband snores away on the couch ("would you pick me up some beer while you're out, honey"). The children are unaware of where you are at, in your head (and you woudn't want them to know, anyway). Mom is in such a good mood. Dinner is percolating away. Laundry is done. House is in order. Everything appears normal. And you sit here. Hating yourself. Unable to stop. Where do you go? You should eat. You should sleep. You should stop. But you are not in control. It only appears that you are. That little "genie in a bottle" is in control. You resist, by making everything appear normal. Don't want to break the routine. No one is seeing your flags. No one is hearing your cries for help. No one is paying attention. And it's your fault. Because you defy that demon, just long enough, to keep everything "normal".

Just two days ago, I told him, as I've told him several times in the past few years; Please listen to me, I've been trying to tell you this for so long, help me. I can deal with so much, this is getting the best of me. Help me.

"Would you pick me up some beer while you're out, honey".

You're going to have to go get some more when you wake up, darlin'.

And that "strong" person in me, berates me. "It's not about him. This is something you need to do yourself. If you smoke, you can't expect the world to stop smoking so you're not tempted. If you eat too much, you can't expect the people around you to stop indulging because you take it to an extreme. If you can't control your drinking, you have to learn to live in a drinking world"

Who do you go to, when you give in to that terrible call of self-destruction? Why don't they understand? Why can't they see? Why can't you stop?

I read once, that the Japanese have a saying (and I'm paraphrasing) "one must get drunk once in a while, to release one's demons". What do you do when the demon possesses you? And no one can see that you are possessed.

I thought I was doing so well. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: en43
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:36pm

Hi en,


I go where there are people just like me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: en43
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:53pm
I won't stop trying. I regressed today. I just, sometimes, feel so alone. Like no one close to me is listening. They just seem to "blow it off". It's so simple, Elaine, just stop. Oh god, how I wish it were that simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
In reply to: en43
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:46pm


Elaine,

We are listening and we care. I find it amazing that the women on this board whom I have obviously never met are more support to me in not drinking for the last 45 days then my husband of 15 years has been. He is also a daily drinker and I feel very alone in my home in my struggle to not drink. I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or go crazy. I feel empty, I even feel disoriented because drinking was a part of everything I did. I told me husband the other day, it's like having Christmas without the stockings or presents. It's still Christmas -that hasn't changed- it's just not like it was. I have to adjust to life being not about the feeling of alcohol in my system. It's like grieving the loss of someone in a lot of ways except we can bring back that old life as unhealthy and lifeless as it may be.
(If that analogy doesn't make sense to you just forget it--it's not worth trying to figure out!)

I don't know if you have read all the posts on the board but they are very helpful to me. There is a level of connectedness here or at AA or anyplace where there are others who know my pain and have survived.

Please keep coming back and don't be ashamed when you stumble as long as you get back up.

Frances

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 9:07am

((((Hello Elaine))))

Oh no, it ain’t “that simple”, no way!! It sure wasn’t simple for me to get to where I am at this moment, exactly 168 days-7 hours-7 minutes sober. Almost 6 months sober and I drank almost daily for 25+ years! 25+ years!!!

< Why can't you stop?>

Oh my goodness—I also consider myself a very “strong” woman. But listen, tucked into the deepest core of myself for about the last 12 years, in between “happy” drinking times, were major arguments, searing disappointments, massive guilty feelings…all the negativisms that a lot of us deal with when we wrestle with ourselves about not wanting to drink, but we keep filling that cocktail glass, or swigging out of the wine bottle. “I want to stop…this isn’t good for me…if only I could just drink like other people…I should be able to cut back—maybe just drink from Friday night to Sunday…maybe I ought to switch to wine instead of vodka—yeah—that’d probably keep me from having the blackouts…oh, I’ll just have one and stop there”……….these conversations with myself went on and on. But, all the years of conversations in my head didn’t seem to help me not drink except maybe a day or two here or there.

I do not believe you “berating” yourself is a unique situation, or any different from what the rest of us have gone through and/or are going through right now.

How’d I get to almost 6 months sober today? Elaine, I can’t really give you the exact formula that got me to be able to step away, at least as of this moment, from that damn demon, which in my case was vodka. But I can tell you that something in me was different Nov. 29, 2004 when I decided I HAD to stop drinking and that I COULD NOT even let one cocktail touch my lips.

The biggest factor in me stopping were the nightly black-outs that I experienced. I really grieved all the YEARS of memories that were just non-existent in my mind. For me, being disgusted with myself is a really big motivator. Guess I just got “sick and tired of being sick and tired” about being disgusted with myself and about all the ways alcohol was messing with me.

I do not want to scold you in anyway, but don’t think you are the only person trying to quit drinking without everyone around you, or even just one person (your husband) rallying to your cause. I am in EXACTLY the same boat as you are, OK? Do you know that he NEVER ONCE told me how proud he was that I had stopped drinking! And he was the one that said I was ruining the relationship and he wasn’t going to take living with me much longer if I didn’t “do something” about my daily drinking. Oh this made me angry!!! No pat on my back…nothing. So…how “alone” do you think I felt, day after day?

Due to a very unpleasant drunken episode—he has his own issues with drinking problems--I confronted him the next day about HIS drinking and what it was doing to him/us. I also told him how damn awful it was that in FOUR MONTHS he hadn’t yet commended me for being sober. He, of course, then told me how amazed he was at my ability to not drink. That was about 2 months ago. There hasn’t been another “pat on my back” since then.

I don’t know about scientific data about how many of us may be working on keeping sober and are ‘going it alone”, but I bet there are LOTS of us.

Guess what?? NOBODY (other than my partner) EVER thought I drank too much or had ever confronted me about cutting back or stopping. Everyone just thought I was a moderate drinker.

Elaine, I know I’ve gotten very wordy here, but I can hear your pain and disappointment in yourself for picking up a drink. I know, ‘cause I’ve been there many many times.

(Satisfying the sugar craving, for me, is a BIG help—see below). As Brenda has said, she sat on her hands, went to AA, while others like myself utilize different tools. For me, this board has been the place for pouring my guts out to seek support to keep feeling positive about FINALLY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS stopping drinking. It is working for me right now and I’m sticking to it. But….I want to say I am seriously considering going to AA to see if that avenue is of help to me.

In the beginning when the urge to make a cocktail was starting to get really strong in my mind, I had to take really big deep breaths, had to visualize and remember the awful things alcohol was doing to me—the black-outs, my actions, how I felt upon waking up, the disrupted sleep patterns, for example—and often went for a sugar fix, like some dark chocolate or a little ice cream. I wasn’t giving my body sugar via the booze anymore and it was crying out for sugar! Satisfying the sugar cravings (in moderation) is still a BIG BIG help in me remaining sober.

I am so glad you’ve posted and that you won’t stop trying. I hope this helps a little bit. Please come back—there are so many wonderful supportive women here.

Wishing you a better day ahead. Claudia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 9:22am

Elaine,


Hi there. WE understand. There is a demon, this is no joke. I remember having said this very early in my sobriety and before I stopped. I even named him. But as each day goes by, he stays farther away, because I keep my goal of sobriety in the forefront and I do not compromise it. I'll reach out to others who share the same thinking as me, b/c only those understand. It's sort of a club, as bizarre as that may sound. We alcoholics have the same goal, to stay sober. Everyone understands, I mean understands! We can heal together, I believe, to become the people that we want to be. I have seen some remarkable things happen here, in just my little time of sobriety. Taking the first step is up to you. That "seed" has been planted, and know it's up to you when you want to let it grow. We'll be here...




palmtrees and breezes



~Jolene~


"Community Leader for Alcohol Problems Board"



Host for Tuesday night chat at 9pm est


You never know what we might talk about...


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2001
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:34am

HI en43,

Where? Follow Brenda and I and the others here. See our torches, all afire to light your way on the path we call recovery. Come to our door. Cross the threshold. Take what we are so willing to give. Work with us and, take what we have and you shall, and give to others. The demons will not cross that threshold. Where? Alcoholics Anonymous. Follow us there for we have found the way. En I have 37 years of recovery time all beginning and still continuing with one day. Today's another day like all of the days before it. Walk with us dear lady.

Service in recovery,

Paul

Castaway


A Friend in Recovery


Paul

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:21am

Elaine -


I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I wanted to send out a ((hug)) to you...as I can feel the pain, frustration

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 2:20pm

Hi there... I hope by the time you read this you are feeling a little bit better...

What do I do? I call another recovering alcoholic. I post here. I go to AA meetings. And I pray.

My dad, who is also in AA, once said, "The only other person that understands what it is like to be an alcoholic is another alcoholic." And another old-timer once said to me, "Congratulating an alcoholic for not drinking is like congratulating a cowboy with hemmoroids for not getting on a horse." A bit more graphic - but the idea made sense! People think that if drinking is a problem, then one simply stops. If it were that easy wouldn't every problem drinker do that????

No one in your family will know what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. My DH has been married to me before sobriety and for the last 10 years in sobriety and that is one part of me that he will never, ever, completely understand. It saddens me still sometimes, but I have to accept that it isn't for a lack of willingness on his part - it is just that he doesn't have the same frame of reference as I do.

It is like me trying to understand what it is like to lose a part of one's body due to cancer. I (by the Grace of God) haven't had that challenge yet. I can not possibly know what it is like to face that situation. Only another person who has can truly understand.

I go to AA because that demon you mentioned, while very quiet for me at the moment, is always lurking in the shadows. I find there that people do understand me and I find strength in the caring and sharing.

Whatever path you choose to take for your recovery, I hope it helps to know that there are literally millions of recovering people out there. And we are here for you too! One day at a time...
God bless,
Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 2:59pm

There is a reason they call liquor "spirits". That is referring to the demon that you talk about. You ask, where do you go? Well you also mentioned that your children are unaware of your drinking and that mom is in a great mood. That used to be the case with me also. I used to get this energy from drinking. Well that does not last forever. My body is now dependent on the sugar. I have been sober since May 1st and I still deal with the sugar imbalance. If you continue to drink then your children will figure it out. My suggestion is that if you want to know where to go when the urges are kicking in......then just ask your kids! Where do they want to go? And go do it with them. I have battled this demon several times and have watched my children suffer. It was the day my 4 yr. old daughter asked me if I was getting vodka at the store that was my realization that my drinking did not only affect me.

I know that I am not an expert and am new in my sobriety. I read this board almost daily and all the women and Paul are great! I just wanted to reply to your post because it seemed a lot like what I have experienced. I wish you luck! You can do this! You are not possessed. Remember that you control you! Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: en43
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 3:47pm

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