January Exercise: Why Me? (m)

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Registered: 03-25-2003
January Exercise: Why Me? (m)
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Sat, 01-12-2002 - 3:12pm

January Exercise: Why Me? (m)


Now that we've been talking about critique, I'll be your first victim-LOL. I have question about this story but I'll post it at the end. Thanks, Mac.

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Title: Why Me? (suggestions for optional titles would be appreciated)

Propped against the many pillows in his mother’s bed, Jimmy listened as she read him a bedtime story. “Is this when the dragon comes, Mommy?”

“No baby, there’s no dragons in this tale,” she said with a closed mouth smile.

His tiny finger reached out and traced the scar on his mother’s face. “Did a dragon hurt you?”

Jillian’s smile faded and her eyes grew serious. “Mommy was hurt in the accident. Do you remember what I told you about the accident, Jimmy?”

He nodded that he did.

“It’s getting late young man, you’d better get to bed.”

“One more story, please,” he whined.

“No more stories. It’s way past your bedtime,” she said, reaching for her walker. “Now see if you can brush your teeth and be in bed before Mommy gets there.”

Jumping from the bed, Jimmy shouted over his shoulder, “I bet I’ll beat you.”

After tucking her four-year-old son in for the night, Jillian’s slowly made her way back to her bedroom. She couldn’t sleep and opened a book to read; she’d do anything to avoid the memories that were attempting to consume her mind as they often did.

How could she ever tell her son about the crazed man who’d seen her on a pin-up calendar and began stalking her? Would she ever be able to forgive the man who had stolen her way of life fifteen months before? She often asked herself when she looked into the mirror. Not only had he robbed her of her beautifully chiseled face and her ability to walk completely on her own, but also he’d taken a very precious item: her husband.

Fred was the vivacious man who’d won Jillian’s heart the moment she laid eyes on him. They were both sophomores at the University of Alabama and went with a group of students to New Orleans to celebrate Mardi Gras. As they walked along Bourbon Street, the group began to disperse; some preferred the jazz bars, some wanted to dance and a few -- Fred and Jillian included -- headed for the Irish pub. Before long, the redheaded McKenna with lovely green eyes was paired up with 6’3” guy whose friends called Fitz (short for Fitzgerald). As Fred and Jillian sang their rendition of Danny Boy, the two fell instantly in love.

Seven months later, Jillian McKenna became Mrs. Frederick Fitzgerald in a small chapel outside of Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Shortly after the wedding, the man who’d photographed the ceremony contacted Jillian with a job proposal. He was putting together a calendar of female student, or “Rolltide Girls” as he’d called it. At first, she rejected idea; the thoughts of posing in a swimsuit made her fair skin turn rosy. But after Fred and some of their friends encouraged her to do it, she called the photographer back and accepted the job.

Why had she not trusted her instincts? Jillian often wondered. Had she followed her gut reaction none of the tragic events that happened in the years following would have occurred.

She leaned over and picked up Fred’s picture. It was one that her mother had taken at the hospital; Fred had rushed from his college graduation just in time to witness Jimmy’s arrival into the world. As she wiped away a tear from her cheek, her finger caressed her scar. She closed her eyes and tried to wish away the night of the accident and the way Fred died.

Fred and Jillian were coming out of Biannca’s Restaurant -- both were stuffed from their anniversary dinner when her cell phone rang. Thinking it was the babysitter she quickly answered.

After a moment of silence, Fred asked, “Who is it, honey?”

Jillian face was frozen; she couldn’t speak. The voice was that of the man--someone that called so often they’d changed their phone numbers, and switched their mailing address to a Post Office Box. But nothing helped, even the police said they couldn’t do anything until the man made physical contact.

Fred grabbed the phone from her. “Who is this?” he demanded.

From the other end of the line, he heard a man whispering filthy desires but most importantly he heard something else. The music in the background was the same as what he heard from across the street where a band was playing.

Covering the phone with one hand, he said, “keep him talking. I’m going over there to find this guy.”

“No, Fred. Please don’t,” she begged.

He shoved the phone to her ear, and made a circular motion with his hand. “Say something,” he mouthed, and took off running.

“Why do you do this to me?” she said into the phone with a non-emotional tone.

“Why?” He mocked her.

Jillian waited until Fred reached the door of the bar before she asked again. “Why me?”

“I should be asking you why,” he said. “Why do you act like you don’t remember me?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t know you.”

“You know me!” he shouted. “You sat right next to me in class for three years. I watched you then you know. Whatever class you registered for, I signed up for.”

“How…how did you know what classes I…I took?”

“I worked for the Registrar’s office. I could find out anything I wanted on the computer. In fact, I’m still pretty good. How do you think I kept getting your phone number?”

It was then that she heard her husband’s voice and shuffle taking place. She listened as the man was pulled from his stool; his cell phone slammed to floor but didn’t disconnect.

Not knowing what to do, Jillian listened intensely, waiting for Fred to say something again. But all she heard was the screams and someone shouted that a man had been shot. Knowing her husband wasn’t carrying a gun, she feared the worse as she stepped on the two-lane road that separated her and her husband.

Jillian never saw the motorcycle struck her body nor did the driver see her as she suddenly appeared between the cars parked along the side of the street.

Two days later, Jillian woke up in a hospital to find her hip had been shattered, her face badly burned from the motorcycle’s hot muffler, and her husband dead. She wanted to die herself but it was Jimmy that kept her going. She had a son to raise; their son needed her.

It wasn’t until later--after long hours of physical therapy and several plastic surgeries--that she found out the man who’d stalked her and killed her husband had been arrested. She would’ve jumped for joy had she been able to but Jillian still had lots of recovering to do.

By the time she testified in front of the jury at her husband’s murder trial, she was able to make small strides with the assistance of a walker. But the scar would never go away—it could not be operated on any further.

As she watched the state’s evidence being presented and listened to the tape-recorded conversations the police had recovered from the stalker’s apartment, she prayed for justice. After seven hours of deliberation, the jury found him guilty of murder and the man was sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole. “He deserved the death penalty,” Jillian had said after hearing the verdict.

Her son’s voice brought her out of the courtroom and back to her empty bedroom.

“Mommy, are you okay? I heard something break?”

Jillian opened her eyes and glanced down at the broken glass with the picture frame nearby. “Oh, I didn’t realize I dropped Daddy’s picture. You go back to bed. I’ll get this cleaned up.”

She watched Jimmy sauntered back down the hallway, and then leaned down and picked up the pieces of shattered glass and wooden frame from the hardwood floor. She placed it back on the nightstand and turned off the light. She thought about the irony of what Jimmy had asked earlier. In a way it was a dragon that’d hurt her because the man who’d did this to her and Fred was a ferocious beast--he was evil.

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Okay, here's what I was wondering. I really wanted to start the story out in the present, have Jillian flash back to the past and stay there until she comes back to the present at the end but I couldn't figure out a way to make that work. Any ideas? Or do you think it goes back and forth okay?

Mac

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 01-12-2002 - 10:55pm

Just one more story, please? ...


that eternal question kids ask when stalling :)

For your question, the transitions were fine to me. I knew we were in the present, then flashed back, then returned to the present at the end. I liked how Jillian and Fred met, and I liked how Jimmy asks if dragons hurt his mommy's face. Your dialogue is right-on, and you inserted the exercise elements so well. I would like more details about the stalking episodes. We seemed to rush past that part.

For a different title, how about "Stolen Life"?

If you plan to revise this story, I have some comments. (Warning, I had my editor's hat on.)

- "She couldn’t sleep and opened a book to read" - suggested addition - also, maybe indicate how long she'd been trying to fall asleep? One hour? Two?

- "It was then that she heard her husband’s voice and shuffle taking place. She listened as the man was pulled from his stool; his cell phone slammed to floor but didn’t disconnect." - How does she know the man was on a stool?

- "But all she heard was the screams and someone shouted that a man had been shot" - Wouldn't she hear the shot through the cell phone?

- "By the time she testified in front of the jury at her husband’s murder trial, she was able to make small strides with the assistance of a walker. But the scar would never go away—it could not be operated on any further." - I know you're trying to show that her recovery is fair, but incomplete. The trouble I have is how these two sentences seem linked, as if the scar is tied to her walking ability.

- "“He deserved the death penalty,” Jillian had said after hearing the verdict." - Would she be speaking to the media?

- "She placed on the nightstand and turned off the light" - suggest replace with "the debris"; also would she use a dustpan and minibrush to sweep up the broken glass?

- For my taste, I'm not keen on musings in pieces. I'd rather learn the information in straight prose. For example, "How could she ever tell her son about the crazed man who’d seen her on a pin-up calendar and began stalking her?" - I'd prefer something like, "She didn't think she could ever tell her son about the crazed man."

- Did Jillian know how long the stalker was put away? Some victims of stalkers worry for the date the stalker gets released, that he'll hunt them down again.

- There were a few punctuation issues.

This story flowed well, I always knew what was happening and who was speaking. You make dialogue look easy. You also insert the exercise elements so slyly, I had to go back and look for them :)

Another lovely story. Good job on the exercise, and thank you for sharing!

Good night, Eyewrite

Avatar for countrygal23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 10:15am

Great story (m)


This story flowed well, the dialogue was right on and the descriptions of the scenes...great!

Where you write Jillian never saw the motorcycle struck, would read better Jillian never saw the motorcycle as it struck her body.

Also I think if you wanted to tweak the readers emotions more, how about showing us a scene of her after the accident being told about her husband, and more details of the shooting?

I too love how you weaved in the four items,you made it look easy!! Great job on the transition from past to present.

As for a title: How about Shattered Dreams?

Maria

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 12:58pm

Great questions…thank you, eyewrite (m)


When I started this story, I thought about having her not being able to sleep because she was going to speak in front of the Alabama legislative about stalking laws. In my research for this story, I can across an article called Alabama’s Stalking Statutes: Coming Out of the Shadows. In 1992, the state implemented stalking laws and I thought I could have her be involved in that. But I wasn’t sure if that would complicate the story too much. What do you think?

I really appreciate you wearing your editor’s hat. Your questions are just what I need to work on the rewrite. Thanks again,

Mac

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 1:04pm

Thanks Maria (m)


I like that title. Thanks for suggestion. I agree that would make that sentence read better and I do need to expand that part of the story where her husband is shot. I sort of skipped over it like it was nothing.

I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Mac

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 2:20pm

A powerful issue for this month's exercise...


Good for you, Mac, to tackle this real and frightening experience for some.

The past and present scenes transitioned well, I thought. I agree with both eyewrites and Maria's suggestions. More stalking to add suspense, and more information on her response about her husband's death to expand the emotion.

A dear friend of mine was in a car accident about 15 years ago that completely crushed every bone in her face. She had over 20 surgeries’ to repair the damage. If she didn't tell you about her experience today, you'd never know. Also, this past summer my 8 yr. old nephew suffered 3rd degree burns on both legs when he and a buddy were attempting to make hot chocolate on a Coleman camping stove. You'd never know it without him pointing out where they did the skin graphs...so in regards to this sentence:

But the scar would never go away—it could not be operated on any further.

You may want to consider her internal scar of pain, or describe a little more in detailed what is it that won't go away. Medical technology is amazing in today's world.

Her son’s voice brought her out of the courtroom and back to her empty bedroom.

Jillian opened her eyes and glanced down at the broken glass with the picture frame nearby. “Oh, I didn’t realize I dropped Daddy’s picture. You go back to bed. I’ll get this cleaned up.”

These two sentences did not work well for me. Either her son is yelling "Mommy, Mommy what is it?" To pull her out of her dream, Or The breaking glass pulls her out of her dream, and then Jimmy comes running in "Mommy, what is it!" More tension, more emotion...yes?

I enjoyed the story, love the way you worked in all the components for the exercise, and would enjoy reading your rewrite.

Good day! Kat

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 5:21pm

Thanks Kat (m)


You made some great points. I'm going to have to do a little research (don't you love the Internet? LOL) and find out why her scar wouldn't go away completely. I'm going to reword or delete that sentence. Maybe I'll make the scar one that only someone every close to her would notice as in the examples you gave.

And you're right about the broken picture frame too. Your suggestion works much better.

Thanks so much for the helpful ideas,

Mac

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 5:32pm

If you changed the focus of the piece...


to discussing the issue of stalking the related laws in Alabama, then you surely can add her upcoming presentation, and then add more details about her personal stalking experience, and about the outcome of her stalker's trial.

This would mean a more lengthy discourse into this important social issue. You could take out the exercise elements if you so chose :)

I think your piece, as it stands, would be complicated by adding more about the law. However, these exercises are meant as jumping off points for bigger and better (and maybe publishable) stories, so have fun!

Have a great afternoon, Eyewrite

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 01-13-2002 - 5:35pm

Great observations! ...


Reading your post, I too recall unease with the Jimmy/breaking picture/back to the room part. Go with Kat's suggestions.

Good comments too on adding more emotion. Make the reader feel Jillian's pain, injury, loss, fear, love.

Mac, your story will rock!

Eyewrite

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 01-14-2002 - 10:01am

"Stolen Memories"...(m)


...is a title from one of my pieces from way back when, that I literally tore into little pieces. Something similar might work for this piece. I found this piece to be powerful, and I had lots of mixed emotions about it. For every person sitting in prison, there is a victim out there that is having to deal with the crime and its affect on their life every day. The only thing that can be worse than death from a horrendous crime, is to be left alive. (Pardon my rambling, but memories of the terrible things that had been done to Stephanie, and dealing with the ongoing grief of her murder, makes me wonder what emotional scars would she carry through life and to her grave if her killer had left her alive?)

I had about the same questions as the others, I found some punctuation errors too. And this POV issue as well: "It was then that she heard her husband’s voice and a shuffle taking place. She listened as the man was pulled from his stool; his cell phone slammed to floor but didn’t disconnect." I don't think her POV should be here. Wouldn't she just hear the shuffle, maybe the sound of a chair being knocked over, and the crackle and banging sounds of the phone (she couldn't know that it was cell phone without being there) as it crashed to the floor? I agree that she should have heard the gun shot. Maybe it would be more effective if her husband got stabbed, then she wouldn't really know who had been hurt at the bar?

Also, about the stalking, I would like to see more "show" here than "tell." Add a few paragraphs about the stalking, and the affects on her as well as on the family unit. Another question would be, does Alabama have anti-stalking laws in place? (Some states do not, Nebraska is one of them.)

Overall, I think you did a good job with this, and I think the flashing back and forth between present and past shows us Jillian's pain much more effectively. You could try it the other way and post it so we can get a feel for how you want it. Have a good day, Sammi

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-14-2002 - 10:23pm

Hi Sammi (m)


I’m sorry this piece reminded you of Stephanie. That was such a sad thing that happened to her and your family.

POV is one of my biggest problems so thanks for pointing out that example. Believe it or not, I originally had the stalker stab Fred but changed it to a shooting for some reason I can’t explain now-LOL. But I like your idea and think I'll change it back.

Alabama does have stalking laws and I will include that in the rewrite.

Thanks so much, Sammi,

Mac

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