January Exercise~Joe's Harley
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| Sun, 01-13-2002 - 11:56pm |
January Exercise~Joe's Harley
Hey gang~critique away!!
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She hangs her new 2002 Sierra Club calendar on the wall next to her desk. The picture of a frosted Ponderosa pine forest somewhere in the Grand Canyon reminds her of her childhood winters. She circles the date, January 15th with a black magic marker. Joe’s Navel division shipped out to the Bering Sea a little over six months ago. He’d called her from Nome, Alaska on New Year’s Day to wish her a happy New Year, and to tell her that he’d be seeing her soon, hopefully around the 15th, seven days from now.
Seated in front of the computer that sits on a small metal and glass contemporary desk angled so that she can look out the living room’s northwest corner window of her second floor apartment, and see the busy street below, she says to no one at all, “I need to get these financial documents done today, or Frank will have my hide! I simply did not have the desire to do these reports during the holidays with Joe gone. And the party’s were a good distraction for a while, but now it's the eleventh hour, and I'm stressed...THAT is my problem with working from home, FOCUS. My focus is non-existent. Focus Lizzie, Focus!”
Turning her attention back to the computer, she slides her hand over the computer mouse to bring up the desktop screen, but the Dungeons and Dragons screen saver that her eight year old nephew gave her for Christmas (his favorite game) mesmerizes her. The characters chase each other through mazes until the dragon is captured, and then the screen fades to black, and the sequence begins again. Lizzie’s mind wanders back to the call from Joe on New Year’s Day.
* * *
Joe said he loved her, missed her, and that he couldn’t wait to see her again. With him gone, the distance and lack of his touch made her disbelieve in his ability to continue to love her. She could never be a military wife, fireman’s wife, or some world traveling corporate wife. All she ever wanted was a normal everyday life with its schedules and consistencies. A husband by her side every night in bed, two children, a boy and a girl preferably, but of course, no guarantees, and all of them tucked into a comfortable small house on a tree-lined street. Why did this dream seem so simple, yet impossible to have?
* * *
Each time the screen saver fades she sees her reflection in the dark glass of the monitor. She catches a glimpse of her sadness. What will I do about Joe? The blinds flutter with the slight breeze from the partially open window carrying a hint of the Pacific Ocean on its breath. She hears the deep rumble of a Harley coming down the street. She looks to her left, and down the street to see if it’s Joe, but the Harley roars on by.
* * *
She loved riding along Highway 101 on the back of Joe’s bike. The sensual mold of her thighs straddling along the back of his legs, her heart racing, and the power of the bike’s engine both exhilerating and frightening at the same time. He’d said, “Lizzie, one of these days we’re going to head east into the sunrise, and see what the road brings!” She should have told Joe then what her dreams were, but she didn’t think she wanted to risk losing him, so she kept her thoughts to herself.
* * *
ScrEEEEch-BOOM! “What in the world was that?”
There on the street, in front of her apartment complex, is a huge yellow Ryder Rental truck. “New tenants moving in. Hey, that looks like Mike, Joe’s best friend. Oh my God! It is Mike.” Pushing back from her desk she runs out the apartment door, along the balcony to the steps, down the stairs, and out the gated courtyard to where Mike is standing behind the truck. She throws her arms around his neck giving him a big hug. “My goodness Mike, what are you doing here?”
“Hey Lizzie, how are you darlin’?” She's always loved Mike’s southern drawl, but today it sounds more pronounced, or what? She steps back from him and immediately knows something was wrong.
“Mike, what is it?” His eyes began to tear up as he looks everywhere, but at her. “Mike?”
“Lizzie, Joe’s dead!”
She stares at Mike as the cars passing by suck the air out of her lungs, the 1940’s multi-colored apartment buildings painted salmon, turquoise, and yellow blend into a blurred tapestry. “Lizzie!” If Mike had not reached out for her she would have crumbled onto the cement sidewalk.
“I’m so sorry Lizzie.” Mike held her tight, slightly rocking from side to side. “His ship was caught in an ice storm; he was working the deck and forgot to secure his safety line, a huge wave smashed over the bow and swept him out to sea.”
“No Mike, you have it wrong. I just talked to him on New Year’s Day,” she mumbled into his warm neck. Her legs had no feeling whatsoever, but she felt as heavy as a two hundred pound sandbag.
“Here Lizzie, let’s go sit on that bench over there.” With his arm tight around her waist he steers her to the stone bench that sits in front of her apartment building under a massive, ancient red Oleander bush, its sticky-sweet repugnant scent filling the air. As soon as they sit down, tears fill her eyes, and she can't stop shaking. “I’m so sorry Lizzie. I know this is a shock. I still can’t believe it myself. I’ve been walking in a daze since Joe’s parents called me early this morning. They’ve asked me to come to Oklahoma right away.” Mike and Joe grew up together, closer than brothers Joe use to say.
Joe told her when he came home he wanted to take her to meet his parents. “We’ll take the bike, and make it an adventure.” When they’d begun dating last May, he’d said that he would never take her to meet them. He was embarrassed by their hillbilly backwoods nature. “They’re grade school educated, slobs, and well, let’s just say my life has improved greatly since I joined the Navy,” he’d explained. But then something had changed his mind.
“I hate to do this to you Lizzie, but I gotta get going, I’ve got a long drive ahead of me. Before I go, I have something to give you. Joe told me if anything ever happened to him, he wanted you to have his Harley. That’s what’s in the truck.”
“What are you saying Mike?”
“Joe told me he wanted you to have his bike. He knew how much you loved it, so he wanted you to have it.”
She buried her face in her hands trying to stifle the sobs that were constricting her throat. Oh God, he didn’t know me at all.
“I can’t keep the Harley, Mike. I don’t want the Harley. Please, you keep it. He was like your brother, and you deserve to have it. Please, please don’t leave it with me.”
“But Lizzie it’s what Joe wanted!”
“The ONLY thing I want is Joe, and ...” Mike got up from the bench, walked over to the truck, and hopped up in the back where he disappeared from her sight. A few minutes later he jumped from the back of the truck, walked up to her, and handed her the Harley emblem he’d taken from the gas tank. He reached out to steady her as she stood up clutching the emblem to her heart.
“I’ll check in on you when I get back into town Lizzie,” he said, his voice breaking.
“Be safe, Mike,” she said as she embraced him. “You know he loved you.”
“As he loved you, Lizzie.” He turned and walked to the back of the truck where he slammed shut the big sliding door, scrEEEEch-BOOM! He climbed up into the cab, started the engine, and turned to look at her once more. He raised his hand to the window, then drove off.
She turned and walked into the gated courtyard, up the stairs, and to her apartment. As she opened the front door, she felt the sea breeze gently caress her bobbed blonde hair. It felt like someone was behind her, she turned to look, but the balcony was empty. She study the Harley emblem, and thought, I will always love you too, Joseph. She stepped into the apartment barely making a sound as she closed the door.
©Kat Katsos

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I liked this, Kat (m)
The style of this piece was great and felt like I was reading about myself with Lizzie talking to herself-LOL. I do that a lot. I also liked the fact that your story was so true; you can love someone and they love you yet not really know that person.
There were some parts that I had a few questions about:
1) I’m wondering if you should make reference to a trip to the Grand Canyon that Joe and Lizzie plan to take instead of mentioning “her childhood winters” in the second sentence. The reason I suggest this is because her childhood really has nothing to do with the story. So by mentioning one might think you’re going to take the story in that direction at some point.
2) I’ve already mentioned how I like the way Jillian talked to herself. But I did find the line “I need to get these financial documents done today…” to sound really formal and evasive. What type of documents is she working on? Perhaps she’s working on year-end reports or some kind of first quarter estimates.
3) If Mike has a southern drawl and him and Joe grew up together, why is he going to Oklahoma?
I’m impressed with the Dungeons and Dragons screensaver. If there’s not one on the market, you should invent it. That was very creative. There were also several descriptions that stood to me and I wanted to mention that I liked them; “…partially open window carrying a hint of the Pacific Ocean on its breath” and “Her legs had no feeling whatsoever, but she felt as heavy as a two hundred pound sandbag.”
The ending with her coming into the apartment and feeling Joe’s presence was touching. I love that kind of stuff and I really believe one’s spirit can be felt like that, especially so soon after their death.
Thanks Kat for sharing your story. I hope some of this helps,
Mac
I've never seen one, but it just came to me...
A dungeon's and dragon screen saver, that is. But I might take you up on the idea to create one!
A good friend of hubby's and mine married a gal he'd met while doing a computer install project there, and she had a thick southern drawl (I thought of her for this character), but then since Oklahoma isn't in the south, what would that be called??? I will need to reseach that one. Good catch!
I get your meaning about the Grand Canyon picture, but I do reminisce over photo's that remind me of places I've been, so I will ponder this one.
I will definitely state what type of reports in a more natural voice. Good suggestion.
And lastly, I too believe that the spirit lingers for a while after death, especially when there is unfinished business. That also includes pets!
Thanks for mentioning the parts you liked best!!
Keep writing! Kat
Great stuff! (m)
I liked your story, Kat. I fell into Liz's life quite easily. Creative screensaver. :)
- I'd like to feel more of Liz's anxiousness that Joe would be coming home soon. What was his naval unit doing in the Bering Sea?
- I echo Mac's comments about the language sounding formal when Liz talks to herself at the beginning.
- Second paragraph, first sentence: lots of ideas here, may need to be broken up
- I'd like to feel Joe's longing for Liz; and more on why Liz feels she couldn't be a military/fireman wife
- I'd like more on the ride on Hwy 101, to really feel like I was there
- When Mike shows up with the truck, maybe tell us he's Joe's best friend in the prose, and not in Liz's speech. She wouldn't say that to herself.
- Does Mike drive off with the Harley in the truck? What's going on with the emblem from the gas tank - can you really take that off (and wouldn't that make the Harley a little less Harley)?
- I liked this phrase "as the cars passing by suck the air out of her lungs"
- In a military death, would there be a formal announcement, delivered in person by a uniformed officer? I find it strange Liz would find out only through Mike. Has Mike already been to Joe's apartment or what does he have in the truck? And why would he have Joe's bike in the truck?
I like your choice to use the present tense/active voice. I liked how you changed the scenes to show us the important bits. You know exactly what the reader needs to know at the different parts of the story. Great job! Thanks for posting.
Have a good week, Eyewrite
Hi Kat
I liked your descriptive scenes and how your creative dragon screen saver.
A couple of things I noticed,
There was some long sentences that needed to broke into two.
Also, the time-line bothered me, it seemed to rush,meaning Mike just appears, I would think that he would have shared this news with her as soon as he got off the phone with the parents,blows of this magnitude make people to want to share the news for comfort if nothing else. I base this on an experience I had. Secondly, was there anything else in the truck besides the bike? At first I thought that he had cleaned out everything from Joe's house and was taking it to his parents. It just seemed too fast and wouldn't she liked to know if there was going to be a service or memorial for him and she would consider attending?
I like the twist of him giving her the emblem,creative most writers use a letter which is effective too. I know that the spirit of deceased ones can be felt, I've felt it!!
Hope this helps
maria
Wowzer!! (m)
Hello eyewrite, and many thanks for the provoking thoughts.
I wanted to stay within the 1500 word limit, and some things just didn't seem as important (i.e. why Joe's unit is in the Bering Sea.)
I agree with breaking up the second paragraph! That one gave me trouble too.
I was worried about POV regarding Joe's longing for Liz, I wanted to keep it in her POV. So I will work on this one.
Also, I agree with you suggestion to convey that Mike is Joe's best friend in the prose.
We've got friends that are original Harley devotees, and yes, you can take certain emblems off the bikes, and the sentimental aspect of Mike's actions outweighed the authenticity of the bike, from my perspective.
Since Liz and Joe had only been dating a short while, and she'd never met his parents, they had no reason to call or contact her, and that is why Mike showed up and delivered the news. But you are right about a military death for immediate family.
I appreciate the conscientious critique, truly! Good day! kat
Hello Maria (m)
Many thanks for the encouraging kudos!
I agree with your suggestion to make adjustments to the long sentences...typing like I talk... "for God's sake woman...take a breath!!"
I wanted to stay within the 1500 word limit and some things did not seem as important to the story, so I didn't want to tackle a memorial service, but the main reason I didn't go there is because Lizzie and Joe have been dating just a short while, and she's not met his parents who live in Oklahoma, and her in California...but I get your meaning.
It was only the bike in the truck. Since Mike was the barer of bad news, he'd hoped to soften the blow by delivering the bike to her, along with the news. But I should make that clear...good point.
I appreicate you taking the time to read and comment.!
Thank you, and good day! Kat
Hi kat, liked your story.(m)
I liked the way it ended too. And you had some great descriptive phrases in this.
That second paragraph bothered me too. The first sentence needs to be rewritten to make it read a little easier, and I agree with mac that her dialog with herself sounds a little formal.
I thought the rest of the story held together well, although you might expand it in places as eyewrite pointed out.
I really enjoyed this. And when you start selling those screensavers, save on for me. Okay?
Linda
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
Those "dog-goned" long winded sentences...
get me everytime.
Thanks for the read Linda, and for sharing your thoughts. You'll be the first one I contact when the screen savers are ready for market... *-)
Good day! kat
I'm a little tardy here...(m)
But I thought your story was terrific. I *loved* the symbolizm (I think I misspelled that..hehe) of the Harley emblem. That was great. You also had some terrific description here.
Everyone else pointed out what needs work or changed, so I won't repeat. Although, I do want to say, I believe Oklahoma would be considered the south. I'm in Texas, and we're considered "in the south". You could always use Arkansas. That's definately the south and only one state over. ;-)
Michelle
Michelle, co-cl for The Writing Life
Life is short. Buy the shoes.
Visit
Arkansas it is!
Hey Michelle, I appreicate the "southern education!" I'm glad you liked the story, and I always enjoy the critiques.
Good day! Kat
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