My first post, & a challenge to lurkers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
My first post, & a challenge to lurkers
40
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 3:57pm

Hi all,

I've been lurking for awhile and finally decided to post. I've read so many motivating posts, and before I begin I want to say two things 1) you guys are clearly a bunch of incredible people and 2) I will keep Brenda in my prayers.

So here I am. What do I say first?

Over the past few years I've been ohhhh, so slowly coming to this point in my life. I don't want to keep sinking further into the sea of denial, because pretty soon I am going to be a deadweight (or just plain 'dead') and sink right to the bottom like a big ol' lump. :O

I am an overachiever type person, perfectionist, and very self-critical and hard on myself (which is mainly what I've been wrestling with all of this time in admitting my problem with alcohol). I am a wife and a mom to several young kids. What else am I? I am addicted to alcohol. No one - not even my DH - realizes the extent of it.

Well, I've had enough of the hangovers, the deceitfulness, the forgotten blocks of time, the wasted moments of my children's lives, the wasted moments of MY life - and I want to take my life back. This is insanity and I can't stand another minute. I read some of the posts here with tears streaming down my face. They SO hit home.

I'm not delusional enough to think for one second that this is going to be easy. I am going to need help and lots of it. But I am not a 'meetings' person or a 'groups' person and I'm terrible at admitting what I perceive to be my "weaknesses". So will you good people offer your support? I would be so grateful. I don't even know what I need yet.

But, I would like this thread to not be just about me. I would so love to hear from others who are lurking here, who this board hasn't heard from yet. Are you out there? Is there anyone who needs this one 'nudge' to make the decision to quit? I need some 'quit day' buddies. Please post if you are willing to make today your Day 1, with me. I want (need) the support, and I'm guessing that you might also.

So other lurkers, if you take this challenge, and if you mean it seriously, then please post and let me know that you're out there. Right now I feel like I'm the only one at the beginning of this long road. Am I?

And if there ARE others in my boat, then if and when you post, please answer this one question: What is one really good thing that will happen to/for you when you become sober? (not to/for other people, but YOU). I need to put together a list and I don't want to forget anything. It's only fair that I answer my own question, so here goes: I want the extra booze weight to DROP RIGHT OFF this body! :) (not necessarily the most important thing, but it's a good reason!)

Thanks :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 5:47pm

Hi there and welcome here! My name is Leslie and I am a recovering alcoholic. If you have been lurking a while, you might already know that I am a "regular" here and no stranger to what it is like to be an alcoholic.

Congratulations. You have already admitted you have a problem with alcohol. That is defintely a first and powerful step in the recovery journey. I would like to respectfully suggest that you educate yourself about this disease and begin to believe that this has nothing to do with being a weak or bad person - it has to do with being a sick person. No one asks to be an alcoholic, yet about 10% of the population is afflicted with the disease. Alcoholism is a "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease, and it is progressive in nature and never gets better. Abstinance is the only known way to arrest the disease and to keep it in remission - successfully.

Asking for help is so important - I have never known anyone who was able to maintain any sobriety and find peace and joy in living without help. This place is a wonderful community and I come here, along with AA, to maintain my sobriety - one day at a time.

It is said that "the chains of alcohol are too soft to be felt until they are too powerful to be broken". The one thing that comes to my mind when I think of the rewards of sobriety is an awesome word: freedom.

Keep coming back - we are here to help!
God bless,
Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 6:25pm

Leslie,

Thanks so much for your post and your very true and powerful words.

To clarify my first post, I didn't mean that I think my addiction is a 'weakness', but I personally believe it is more of an addictive behavior than it is a disease (I didn't want to get into that debate, as I know and respect other opinions). I am emotionally (not yet physically) addicted to alcohol. As such, I believe I am very much capable of initiating and sustaining behavior to change the addictive behavior, however difficult that may be. I've read all of the medical literature on the topic. I am a physician and researcher by training, but that doesn't mean I have all the answers (or any of the answers), just my own developed opinion.

Again, thanks for your welcome.




Edited 2/8/2006 6:26 pm ET by betterin2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 6:42pm
I'm not sure if I'm making sense. The answers to overcoming my alcohol addiction are not in medical research papers; otherwise I wouldn't be here. My point was only that I have read a great deal about this topic, both from the 'disease' perspective and the 'addiction' perspective and I've come to the decision that it doesn't really matter. Ultimately *I* am responsible for what I put into my body, and I have to change my behavior (by not doing it anymore). However I can make that work, is what matters. It doesn't matter to me what AA or SoberRecovery or any of the other methods' recovery rate numbers are. If it works for you, or for me, then it works. I'm just trying to find my own way.
Avatar for lucky30605
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 6:48pm

Welcome. I like your handle.

If moderation is an option for you, talk to me. I am loosely (well, 90%) following an online program called Moderation Management. Actually, parts of it are online. There are live meeting and books, too. I am doing what's called "harm reduction" in that I am cutting back on my alcohol. I used to get drunk 3 or 4 days out of the week. I have cut back to 2 drinks per weeknight and one drunk and one abstain on the weekends. Also, I am cutting back on what constitutes a "drunk". It was 15 drinks but my last drunk was down to 8. My goal is to have only a few drunks per year and the drunks being only 5-6 drinks. I am not an alcolic but a heavy drinker who gets horrible hangovers. Also quite habitual.

The website is www.moderation.org if you are interested. It's not for everyone but I think you deserve to know your options.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:26pm

Lucky,

Thanks for your post and for the info. I have read about that in the past and I think it's GREAT that you are cutting back that much on alcohol intake. Much better for your body. Did you do the 30 days abstain at the beginning?

I found their distinction between 'problem drinking' and 'alcoholic' nebulous, but beyond that I can see that the program would be excellent for some people. Thinking only of ME here (not making statements about anyone else), I think that I need to get to a place in my life where I am not planning my days and weeks around alcohol. I want to live my life without counting it and thinking about it. I'm pretty sure I could cut back for awhile, but I would worry about sustaining those effects long-term if I didn't change my relationship with alcohol.

There is a lot of good info published about the Stages of Change and people's ability to make and sustain a lifestyle or behavior change depends on where you're at on the continuum. Pretty interesting stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:32pm

Well hello there, I am Jolene, one of the CL's on this all empowering board. I come here for my "support". I have never been to one AA meeting or any other meeting for that matter, except here. I was a social heavy drinker for a long time. Well meaning friends giving me beers and shots. As time went on, it progressively got worse. What's more, I really didn't realize that it was. At the time of my "quit point" I was drinking at least 6 alcoholic beverages a day with the max at 11. There were days that I would go without. But for the most part, I would be drunk by the time 'they' were eating dinner. I sure wasn't eating dinner, mine was of liquid!


Fast foward....I stopped 8/02/06. THE BEST THING I EVER DID! I am SO happy now. I was so miserable, I can't believe the change. If you want support, you got it. If you want to know what to do first, stop drinking. You said you aren't a heavy drinker, as a physician you know, if you stop abruptly, it can be bad for your heart. I would be very careful. Let your H know what you're about to do, and by all means read Under The Influence so you know what to expect. I personally wouldn't wait for someone to come out of lurkdom, but that's just me. We can all be your quit buddies. We have been there in your shoes, and believe it or not, it's still fresh in our minds.


So it's nice meeting you and I hope you stick around!!




palmtrees and breezes


~Jolene~


"Community Leader for Alcohol Problems Board"



Host for Tuesday night chat at 9pm est


"You never know what we might talk about..."


Click here for the :AlcoholProblemsChatroom


Avatar for lucky30605
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:53pm

No, I did not do the 30 day abstain. Right now I am toying with the program. I am not good at following any program 100%. I take parts that fit and use them. I did Body for Life and got an "almost" amazing body in just 12 weeks. But I tire of all the self reflection. My life will probably always involve alcohol as my friends and family are restaurant and bar owners and musicians (and Catholics.....no offense). My goal is to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I want to appreciate wine, beer and good liquor and not simply get drunk on it.

The thing I like about MM is how they place responsibility on the drinker. I have always believed that we are strong if given a chance. And I do understand that a chemical addiction is different. I do not have that. I know some that do, though. And, wow, do they ever need to quit. They can't have just one. I can have one but sometimes choose to have many (actually I was choosing to ignore how much I was drinking). I am now choosing to cut back. It's not easy but it is empowering.

Lucky

Avatar for carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 8:06pm

Glad to see you here...

I surmise you are aware of SMART recovery
as you have been researching alcoholism.

Their CBT approach might be your key.

We just started a Feb. check in...join in if you wish.

Welcome to our safe haven...we do understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 8:27pm
Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head - it is all about change. Glad you are here!
Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 9:17pm

Wow, thanks to all of you for the great welcome!

Today is Day 1 for me (I didn't intend on waiting for people to come out of lurkdom; I just was hoping some would :0 ) I am a 'binge' drinker and typically go a few days without drinking, then drink heavily for an evening, then repeat the pattern. Probably 3 or so "bad" evenings a week and abstaining the rest. But definitely have been heading in the wrong direction up til now.

Yes, I've read about SmartRecovery and thanks for the invite! There are a lot of things about a lot of different methods that I like. Maybe I also need to take bits and pieces of all of them and fit something together that works for me, or maybe I'll just dive headfirst into one of them.

Whether I am 'chemically' addicted or not, I don't know. Can I stop at one? Sometimes. Do I? Usually not. Do I crave more after having one? Yes, usually. Not always. My guess is that with me, I could modify my behavior and my relationship with alcohol in such a way that I would stop at one. Not sure I would not end up slipping back in the wrong direction though.

I really appreciate the support and the welcome and the book "Under the Influence" sounds like something I should read. Thank you again :)

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