Help, I've just ruined my life..again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Help, I've just ruined my life..again
11
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:00pm

I've been reading other posts and I know I have a problem. DH and I spilt last February and were divorced in November. Divorce was caused by a failed business and me hiding financial information from him. We both have a drinking problem and came from alcoholic parents. We tried getting back together over the summer. We got in a couple of fights and decided to split again. In October of this year he was in a bad accident and in the hospital for a week. I was there and took care of him and he came and stayed at my house for a week after his release. After a week at my house I told him it was time for him to go home. I should add here that I love him and did not want the divorce. He says he still loves me but he's not sure he can live with me.

After the divorce was final we both starting see other people. I was dating and not really drinking as much as I normally do. The guy I was dating was not a big drinker, so I backed off. Anyway to make a really long story shorter, my BF started getting serious about our relationship and I had to decide what I wanted for the rest of my life. DH and I were married for 20 years. I realized I wanted my family back with my DH. We have always talked almost every day because we share custody of our 2 kids.

DH agreed that we could start seeing each other slowly. He had just wanted to date back during the summer and try to work on our relationship a little at a time. I told him it was all or nothing. He moved back in as my husband or it was a no go. Well he moved back in and we should have taken in slower.

Now for my current problem. I know I want him back. He says we can work on it slowly. Three times now when we are spending time together I have gotten violently drunk. It's almost like we have reversed roles. I was always the happy drunk and he was the mean one. This past weekend we spent Sunday and Monday together. Both nights I drank until I lost all controll of my emotions. I don't know why. I can normally keep things under control. We go out and I drink or we drink at home and I don't have a problem. We ended up in a really nasty fight about something totally stupid and I would not let it go. Monday night I tried to hit him and busted a window in his door of his house. This is totally not my character at all. I want him back and he is giving me a chance and I'm blowing it every time we are together. He told me to go home and I refused. I ended up staying on his couch. I'm out of control when it comes to him and I don't know what to do. I know it is alcohol related. At this point I'm not sure he is willing to give me another chance and I'm gonna lose my mind.

I think there are people on this board that can help me. I have considered AA this week. And I'm also wondering if anyone has been sucessful at self moderating their alcohol consumtion. I should also add that before the financial problems that we had a great marriage for 17 years.

Thanks for any help.,

CC

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Avatar for rosolo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:20pm

Hello and welcome to the board CC.

WOW...you certainly have alot going on at one time :)

My name is Rose and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for approximately
2 1/2 years, by the Grace of God and the support of this community.

IMHO you might need to address one thing at one time. It sounds as if alcohol is causing you some problems right now. With alcohol affecting you the way you describe, maybe you need to give it a rest. In most cases, when our actions become out of control because of alcohol, one can safely say we have a problem with alcohol. Moderation never worked for me. It was just delaying what I already knew, that I needed to abstain completely.

I know this may sound hard, but,I think you may need to breakdown everything you are facing and decide maybe to work on one area at a time.

Have you ever tried to stop drinking before? Have you and your DH ever considered counseling?

Seeking answers to questions shows that you are wanting help. We are here and ready to help you!

Peace,
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:42pm

Thanks Rose,

I did go to counseling for 6 months when we split up. At that point I had cut way back on my drinking. By way back, I was not drinking during the week with the exception of a glass of wine every 3 to 4 days. I was drinking on the weekends, but in moderation. For some reason now every time I'm with him I get totally out of control. I don't know if it is because he won't make a commitment to me about our future together or I'm trying to control him. He has cut back on his drinking and very seldom gets angry like he used to. He has not gone to counseling nor will he.

I'm just really confused about how self destructive I've become when all I've ever wanted was to get our marriage back together.

CC

Avatar for rosolo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:49pm

I tended to over medicate myself at times when I was at odds with what was going on in my life. Once I would start, my thoughts would fuel my anger or feed on my insecurity. Alcohol only fanned those flames, and had them raging out of control.

Have you given any thoughts to abstaining?

Peace,
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:56pm

I'm working on that today. My kids are with my ex this week, so that makes it harder. My DS has a ball game at 8 pm. Means I won't get home till about 10 or 10:30. If I can make myself go to bed when I get home I won't drink. It will be the first time since last Feb. or March that I've been a day without 1/2 bottle to a bottle of wine.

I'm about to sign off for tonight to go to ballpark. I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how my evening goes.

Thanks for talking to me,
CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 8:06pm

(((((((((((((((CC))))))))))))))))


Hi, I am Beth, and I am a recovering alcoholic. I entered AA in 1989 and have not had to drink since. There are those on the board who moderate, but I am not one of them. When I drank, I became someone I didn't not like, to put it mildly. So I no longer drink.


Whatever you decide, you have to do it for yourself. Whether or not you get your husband back, you have to take care of yourself.



Avatar for carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 8:35pm

Hi CC....

I too am an alcoholic in AA recovery
A true niracle.

Here is a link to our AA Big Book...:
I want you to read Page 83 the Promises.

These all have happened for me.

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

Each day sober is a victory

Avatar for lucky30605
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 9:36pm

Hi. I am in no position to help you because I am just learning to manage my alcohol (I moderate). But I did want to welcome you and let you know that this is a very safe place. It sounds like you have a bit more than alcohol problems to deal with right now. One thing you CAN change is how much you drink. Please try cutting back right away. Abstaining is good also. Whatever works. It sounds like you are using alcohol as a medicine. I used to do that for anxiety.

Please let us know how you are tomorrow. Someone will be here to help, I'm sure.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:57am

Thank you Carol, I read that passage. It really hits home and does sound like something I need to do. I am already a religous person and pray daily. I also attend church, not as often as I should, but I make it a couple of times each month. Some months more often. Yesterday was the first day I have not had a drink since last March. I did not sleep last night and got up with an awful headache this morning. Hopefully 2 motrin and some perrier will take care of that. Thanks again.

CC

Avatar for rosolo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:28am

Good Morning CC,

Good for you not drinking!

In my case, I read everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism and addiction.
There is a book that Carol recommends entitled "Under the Influence". It clearly explained to me what happened when I drank, and why some of us metabolize alcohol differently then others.

It has taken me time and alot of work to understand how I got to the point I was at
when I quit.

One thing that helped me and still does is remembering that I cannot undo any past actins in my life. I can however, learn from them and move forward. As a mother, I feel it is the single best decision I have made for my children.

Glad you are here with us CC!

Peace,
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:43am

Thanks Rose, I just downloaded The Big Book. Maybe I can spend my weekend reading that and I will stay out of the wine. Are you married and if so does your DH drink? For some reason my exH and I have switched roles while drinking. He used to be very angry and now he is more mellow and I'm the angry one. We are still dealing with some tax issues and I keep thinking that everything will be alright as soon as the money problems are over. Except like I said in my original post I pushed him pretty far this past weekend. We are not speaking right now.

This board is very quiet compared to some of the other ones. When are most people on?

CC

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