So, I am kind of weak.
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So, I am kind of weak.
| Thu, 04-06-2006 - 8:05am |
Well, Tuesday nite I REALLY wanted to drink, but didnt. and the feeling just wouldnt go away. So last nite I drank 1 and 2/3 bottles of schmirnoff black cherry, malted drink, flavored beer what ever they are. I didnt catch much of a buzz, but I did get that want/need feeling to quell.
I have been reading the other threads about true addiction and not being able to moderate, and I whole heartedly agree with it. I think once you pass a certain point there is no way to. I think I have not gotten physically addicted to alcohol, thank god. but I have been psychologically addicted or dependent for years. I still would classify myself as an alcoholic because the next step is physical addiction and that was the road I was DEFINITELY headed down.
I hope that I am not fooling myself. I DID feel better after those couple drinks, even though like I said , I wasnt really buzzed, and Far from drunk. I could have drank more if I wanted, just didnt want to. (I really AM changing)
So, anyway, I guess I am weak for giving in at all. I should be able to get through a week with out cracking one open. But at the same time, I am drinking more like a normal person now, than I ever have in my entire life.
I am an alcoholic enough to know if I had opened my whiskey bottle I wouldnt have stopped till I passed out.
I feel like I dont really know where I fit in in the "Recovery process" ( I did NOT just say the R word in regards to me...) , abstainers ALWAYS abstain it seems, moderaters seem like they are still drinking every day but trying to limit the number of drinks, I dont really fit in to either catagory. But regardless.
I have been addicted to other substances in the past, and do understand the nature of addiction. I am very lucky that in my years of drinking as hard as I could, that I did NOT become physically addicted.
ah, anyway , thats where I am at today.
chaos
I have been reading the other threads about true addiction and not being able to moderate, and I whole heartedly agree with it. I think once you pass a certain point there is no way to. I think I have not gotten physically addicted to alcohol, thank god. but I have been psychologically addicted or dependent for years. I still would classify myself as an alcoholic because the next step is physical addiction and that was the road I was DEFINITELY headed down.
I hope that I am not fooling myself. I DID feel better after those couple drinks, even though like I said , I wasnt really buzzed, and Far from drunk. I could have drank more if I wanted, just didnt want to. (I really AM changing)
So, anyway, I guess I am weak for giving in at all. I should be able to get through a week with out cracking one open. But at the same time, I am drinking more like a normal person now, than I ever have in my entire life.
I am an alcoholic enough to know if I had opened my whiskey bottle I wouldnt have stopped till I passed out.
I feel like I dont really know where I fit in in the "Recovery process" ( I did NOT just say the R word in regards to me...) , abstainers ALWAYS abstain it seems, moderaters seem like they are still drinking every day but trying to limit the number of drinks, I dont really fit in to either catagory. But regardless.
I have been addicted to other substances in the past, and do understand the nature of addiction. I am very lucky that in my years of drinking as hard as I could, that I did NOT become physically addicted.
ah, anyway , thats where I am at today.
chaos

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Chaos,
Please, please, please don't beat yourself up. You are not weak. If you were weak, you would have drank more.
Honestly, the one thing that keeps me going through moderation is the knowlege that I can always abstain. You always have THAT. And this board would certainly support you with that.
You are a strong person who can choose her path. My mantras are "health" and "peace". I wish those on you, girl.
Lucky
Chaos, you did ok. Believe me this is hard. I've abstained for the last 3 days. I almost drank a beer when I came in after my walk last night, but I knew I wouldn't stop with one and I don't even enjoy beer that much. I had to stop and get diesel for my truck yesterday and the station where I stop sells those individual bottles of chardonney. I usually get 2 for the ride home. I drink one on the way to may house and put the other one in the fridge for later. I had exact change for my diesel purchase and more or less ran in the door and threw the cashier my money. I know she thought I was crazy, because I normally go in and get the wine and we chat for a minute.
Like Lucky said, don't beat yourself up. You have cut way back. I don't believe in my heart that I won't ever drink again. I just know for right now I can't. I have too many other issues in my life to deal with.
Keep up the good work you stopped at less than 2.
CC
< I had exact change for my diesel purchase and more or less ran in the door and threw the cashier my money. I know she thought I was crazy, because I normally go in and get the wine and we chat for a minute.>
LOL, that image cracked me up!
I guess we do whatever works, right?
Lucky
I hope you find peace and joy in your life.
Hugs
Hi Chaos,
Trust me on this.
Alcohol, A
Brenda,
I just want to say that I am so glad you are back. I missed you so much.
I love you~
palmtrees and breezes
~Jolene~
"Community Leader
for Alcohol Problems Board"
Host for Tuesday night chat at 9pm est
"You never know what we might talk about..."
Click here for the :AlcoholProblemsChatroom
I'm glad you are back in the saddle!!
Good post!
Amy
truthfully I fully well understand the nature of addiction,
I do not believe I am physically addicted yet. At least not to all alcohol. Whiskey, honestly probably. When I started drinking daily I didnt care anymore.
Now that I dont do that, I have been slowly relearning how to be sober and live sober.
I am not ready to go full course yet. I think I will be soon though. In relearning to be sober I have also been dealing with other aspects of my life I was neglecting. So I am also healing and I can say a lot of my drinking was because life hurt to much to be sober. Since not doing drinking daily I feel the health affects of drinking more, and it makes me stop and think more.
I am not ready yet to let that part of myself go. I am afraid to. That part has been a big part my identy for the past couple years, not so much to others, I guess but myself,
Perhaps I am in denial. I dont really think so, I know that one day in the future I will need to give up alcohol altogether. Right now though, the improvements that I have made are pretty huge in the scope of adjustment. There was no one here riding me to do it, no one watching me at ntie, I decided to do it because I wanted to.
Probably sober people see me and say that I will be back to drinking daily before long.
Ok, a lot of people I know say that.
I dont count days. I know I started this new way of being somewhere around oct or nov.
not long. But I would think that the longer I live it the more normal it will be. the more habit.
Time of course will tell.
Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
ugh
Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
Amy
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