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|Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:50am|
Hi, this is the first time on this board as I have searched high and low on the internet for information and more importantly answers and support.
Over the last year I have had a radical change in my life, divorced after a huge custody battle and a five year separation, a breakup of a toxic relationship, and leaving my company after 9 years to what I thought was a better growth opportunity. In the beginning I was so excited about all these new changes in my life and looking forward to a new and exciting life.
I'm a 36 year old female, (5'1" - 125lbs) single mother of two great kids with an ex that is virtually non-existent in helping me with the boys, and have recently been laid off from my job. So I'm not only small, but have alot of stress in my life as well.
I began traveling with my company on the occasion and even re-connected with someone I had known many years ago, and secretly had a major crush on... We would all go out after work and have dinner and drinks, and it was a lot of fun - in fact I was having the time of my life. Then one night we had all gone out and partied and I drank no more than I have in the past 20 years and woke up the next morning not remembering much after a certain point, only to be informed of some very out of character things for me - like kissing a girl at a club... (Which girls are not my thing) and in front of everyone, and more importantly in front of the person that I really liked. I was shocked, confused and way in denial. However over the course of this past year these blackouts occurred a few more times - some were smaller ones and some where just downright devastating to me!
I then would tell myself to be careful and not drink too much for being in fear of another blackout and the majority of the time I would be ok - still be able to drink and have a good time. But last week is where I think it hit me the hardest - my rock bottom! We were out I was with the man whom I care so much about and again a blackout... but this time I was way out of control from what I hear (isn't that sad that I have to hear about it and from the man who you want to impress the most?). I not only cannot remember after a certain point, with only a few blurred memories here and there but woke up the next morning to be just devastated - and sick to my stomach of what I was hearing.
I not only kissed several guys in front of my date that night unbeknown to myself, but became so belligerent that I yelled at a bouncer to let me in a club after they turned me away for being too drunk and that "I'm a princess" and to let me in, to falling on the dance floor, falling on the sidewalk and falling in the middle of streets, and then jumping in a cab and taking the cabbies cigarette out of his mouth and smoking it.. (Yuck!)I also understand that the cabbie was disgusting and I should be lucky to not have mouth sores from sharing a cigarette with him.
First off, I quit smoking a week ago so hearing this makes me mad at myself as now I have to start all over again. But thats not my biggest problem at the moment.
Secondly, it’s never been my nature to yell at anyone or call myself a princess! I've never been a mean or aggressive person - I am for the norm a pretty passive person.
And why in the world would I ever think of kissing another person when I'm with one of the hottest guys on earth and that I care for tremendously???
I would never do these things it’s just not my nature! And I'm truly mortified and extremely depressed and mad at myself! And now I have quite possibly ruined a very good relationship with someone I love - because who would want to be with someone that gets this way?
I have spent the last several days looking into blackouts and the causes... I'm finding very conflicting information that it is and is not considered alcoholism - which is it damn it? I've spoken to friends and family that have known me and even professionals (who are friends too) and they are just as shocked as I am that I could ever have a blackout - let alone become a monster while it’s happening.
Some of the information I have found states that it could be a "side effect" from certain medications such as ambien, etc... I not only take the sleeping pill, but also take high blood pressure meds and birth control.
I also read that when your blood sugar level drops blackouts can occur. While I don't know if I have a low blood sugar level or not, I do think back on each of the blackouts and realize that I ate next to nothing on each of those nights... So can that be the culprit?
Then I was told by a friend that not only do I have a hypersensitivity (or low tolerance (but that I could be allergic to alcohol. Never even knew that one existed!
I CANNOT honesty sit here and say I am an alcoholic as I do not drink all the time - really only at social gatherings. I do not crave it, I don't hide it, freak out if there's none in my house, have to have it, etc... and I have literally gone months without having any at all... and been more than ok with it!
So I'm looking to see if anyone can relate or has any information as I'm at my wits end, depressed, embarrassed and so confused on which way to turn or how to prevent them, or whether or not I'm an alcoholic or not.