sigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
sigh
17
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:33pm
I feel a binge coming on. Its like I am just waiting to be able to do it. Right now I am wanting MORE then the 2 nights I allow myself, and I know as soon as my kiddo spends his first week w/dad for summer visitation I am probably gonna dive head first. I feel like if I just binge and get it over with I will FEEL better and just be able to let it go, this is more like just WAITING. ugh. I have that fiending feeling, where its like its all I can think about.
chaos

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: chaoslover
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:30pm

Hi there. You have described classic alcoholic thinking. The obsession of the mind plays on you until you feel that you have no choice but to drink. A person who is not an alcoholic cannot understand what it is like to feel the way you do now. I know how that feels and remember it well.

I hope and pray that you will find some help. We never know if we will make it back alive when we drink - some people never do...
God bless,
Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: chaoslover
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:54am

Oh boy chaos,


That's the alcohol talking. Don't give in. Get some help and support, it's not a fun game. Take a few deep breaths. The binge could be your last, do you want to take that chance?




palmtrees and breezes


~Jolene~


"Community Leader for Alcohol Problems Board"


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: chaoslover
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:03pm

Hi Chaos,


What you are experiencing is exactly what Leslie said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
In reply to: chaoslover
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:07pm

I know what you mean. When that happens to me, I do something that in some books may be equally as destructive. I shop. Or get a new cut and color. Sometimes both. It never quite satisfies me like a good drinking binge does, but I feel prettier and heathier and do not have a hangover (except for the monthly cc payments). This past week I was ready for a major party. I felt antsy and irratible. Instead, I bought some shirts and got a new cut and color. Plus a new flattening iron. I also bought my husband an entry level road bike. I also need a new helmet for autocrossing. I think, after two weeks, I will have about $1,000 on my credit cards. I obviously have "issues" but am trying to NOT use drinking as medication. And I bet by shopping binges will be cheaper than a liver transplant or DUI in the long run.

I hope you find peace,

Lucky

ps, Don't spare any expense if you decide to do a cut and color. Go to the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: chaoslover
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:07pm

Hey Lucky,


You sound like me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
In reply to: chaoslover
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 4:53pm

Brenda, that is a great idea. Well, for the stuff I buy myself, anyways. I also tend to buy stuff for my husband and son. I could never take back his video games and toys. Or my husband's bikes and iPods and such. Plus I can't take back pedicures and hair dos....lol.

Now, with the shoes, handbags, jewelry and clothes, I could do just what you said. If it happens again, I will just shop till I drop then go home and look the stuff over, pick out a few things and take the rest back. Hmmmm. I'll see how it goes.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2001
In reply to: chaoslover
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:02pm

HI chaoslover,

Jesus, get to AA. Twice a day if you have to. Living this way is not a good thing.
That's all I have to say.

Service in recovery,

Paul

Castaway


A Friend in Recovery


Paul

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: chaoslover
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:24pm
Unfortunately, I dont really believe in the principals of AA. Some I do, I know the premise is take what fits and leave the rest. But I dont feel I can commit to something I dont really believe in.
I understand addiction. And recovery.
I know it sounds like a dumb excuse, but I also dont want to associate with AA's in Town, I WORK for the Town and its a SMALL town.I know, anonymity anonymity, yuh well, I also know the people in this particular town and know how well respect and confidences work here. Ok, so travel a town or two over. Well, I'm a single mom who works way to much, I have three jobs, I dont have the ambition to leave my son home for that, the driving time , the meeting time. I just dont. Another excuse? denial? I know all the arguements, I 've had em with myself before, I could be BETTER for my kid, He's old enough to understand, it would be better for My life. etc. Part of me doesnt think it would. Ok, thats the addict talking. I wont bother to justify the reasons.
I think its more a matter of the fact that I need to be READY to stop. And even though I have cut way back, I've learned to MANAGE it, I still dont really want to give it up yet.
I've lived sober. I've lived addicted. I've lived in recovery (not for alcohol.)
I know I NEED to stop altogether at some point. Logically. But I am not there yet. I'm really not. Coming here has made me more aware of where I am. I am glad AA worked for you and all the others that it has worked for. I do NOT believe AA is the only way. I watched my father drink for most of my childhood, and he was always drunk, fighting or passed out it seemed, he was not an easy drunk to live with. He would try to stop and go to AA , most AA meetings ended up with him coming home drunk. And I dont mean he tried once, I mean AA and him coming home from it drunk were COMMON. He also was bagged on numerous DUI's and went to jail, and that didnt stop his drinking or driving impaired. When he DID stop drinking (17 years ago I might add) he did it on his own. No AA. AA can help some people. I dont believe it is applicable for Me. I have a close friend who went through AA and is sober now (over a year) he has tried to get me to go, he has counceled me and tried to mentor/sponsor me, and he is the most miserable person I have ever met. Did AA stop him drinking? perhaps, I know it definitely helped. But sorry, I just dont believe AA is the end all, cure all answer. I wasnt looking for anyone to tell me it was ok to dive head first into a binge on this board, but pauls message also made it sound like my life was a disaster going down the tubes and AA was the only way to pull out of it. I am happier in my life NOW then I have been ever, and though alcohol is still a part of my life and I realize its not good and that I have issues with alcohol, it is not the ONLY part of my life. Another thing, maybe when I say binge, it means one thing to me and something totally different to someone else. Maybe My binge is on a meter of one to 10, a 4 (for example) but when I say binge someone else thinks, 10, 12, 2 , different people different experiences. Yuh, when I posted I WAS fiending, and yuh, it was the addiction, but its not like I have been fiending 24/7 since my post , OR dove off the deep end. in fact, as a matter of fact, I didnt even think about it till this second, but LAST nite, I drank half a smirnoff and went to bed. CAUSE I FELT LIKE IT. There was other alcohol in the house. I could've slammed the one I was drinking down and tore into some other booze, but I didnt. Maybe getting the IDEA that I was fiending out helped, maybe I am a cucumber thats has pickle potential but isnt there yet. I dunno, I know hindsite is always 20/20, I know everyone thinks that if they are in recovery that they KNOW where you are. I am sure there ARE people who know where I am right now. I am ALSO sure that there are a heck of a lot of people out there that have lived whole different lives then me and will NEVER know where I am. I ALSO know that 10 years from now I could look back and say, Dang! they WERE right. but till I get there on my own, I guess it really doesnt matter eh?
chaos

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: chaoslover
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:23pm
Chaos, AA is not the only way - otherwise people like me, Brenda, Paul, or Carol wouldn't post here - we know that there are others who have stopped without the program of AA. We respect other options - all we want is for people with alcohol problems to find their way. If I read Paul correctly, I think he is as concerned as I am that you are headed for serious trouble - emotional, mental, physical, legal - whatever. We share what worked for us and invite others to try the way that turned our lives around. That's all. Speaking for myself, I just want to see you happy and whole - with years of joy ahead of you. You deserve that.
My dad is a recovering alcoholic - he was in and out of AA for many years before he stayed sober. He is 82 and still doing well. There is always hope.
God bless,
Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: chaoslover
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 9:13pm
sorry if I jumped on the defensive.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

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