help for a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
help for a friend
12
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:42am

Hi all,

My friends and I are in a dilemma - our friend is an alcoholic and coke addict and has gotten herself into trouble. A couple of years ago, she got her first DWI, then her second less than a year later. After the second, she was ordered to attend AA meetings and get a breathalizer installed on her car, but she found a way around both and never attended the meetings or puffed on the breathalizer - genious actually, but a detriment to her in the long run.

Now, she's in jail for a hit and run. I don't believe anyone was injured, thank goodness, but property was damaged. And, they do not have proof that she was under the influence for the H&R. Again, that's a good thing and a bad thing. Either way, it's her 3rd offense so she may have to do time.

She's also lost two jobs due to lack of performance, although she used to be a top player. She's working as a contractor now, but it's new so she has no money. She's lost her house, her phones were turned off and they're trying to repo her car. Her friend who rented a house to her is considering evicting her because she's so behind on rent. All of her friends have even provided her with food and toiletries for a couple of months.

This seems to be a similar story to others I've heard. It's hard to believe that she doesn't see she has a problem after all of this. She just blames others. She even drives with her daughter in the car while intoxicated. She nearly ran someone over once while I was in the car (before I realized how bad it was).

For months, I've been trying to convince the others who are closer to her that we should do something, an intervention maybe, but they haven't wanted to because they're afraid she'll get angry because the few times anyone has mentioned it to her she gets angry and tells them to stop judging her. Also, I think they're being selfish because they sometimes want a coke hook-up.

There has to be something we can do, if not for her than for her 11 year old daughter who was there when the police came to arrest her. My question to you all is...what, if anything, can we do or say to get her to want to change? How did you decide to seek help and get sober? What do you do to stay sober? What about others you know? I really appreciate any advice you can provide.

Thanks all,
April

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 2:43pm

WHAT A GOOD FRIEND YOU ARE!!!!!!


"what, if anything, can we do or say to get her to want to change? " Oh dear, April....you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. The IT being her drinking and drug use.


How did you decide to seek help and get sober? I got sober when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My DH got sober when he lost his job, his first wife and went to jail. My sponsor got sober when she was put into a psych ward. We all needed to hit our bottom.


What do you do to stay sober? I stay sober by attending AA meetings and working the 12 Steps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:59pm

Thank you for your advice, and I suppose I understand. I just feel helpless not being able to do anything.

Regarding her daughter, she's why I'm so concerned. If it were only her own life she was destroying, I'd naturally be upset, but I would also understand that it's her life to destroy. However, her daughter's life isn't hers to destroy and it makes me angry, but I have no idea what to do about it other than try to get her to see what she's doing.

Her daughter's babysitter sees her more than she does. At night she's out partying, and during the day she's passed out. This happens over half of every week. It's so sad. I know what that kind of neglect can do, and her father is rarely around so the poor child must feel completely abandoned.

As for me, I don't party like she does. My father is an alcoholic as others are in my family, so I'm very conscientious of my alcohol intake. Really, I only know her through my best friend. We probably see each other a couple of times a month and never talk to each other without our mutual friend around.

It’s just very hard to accept that there’s nothing we can do to help.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:07pm

You can try, once, to lay it on the line to her, but it may not help, and may just make her and your other friends angry at you.


If you truly feel that this little child is in danger, you can confidentially call children and family services. They may not do anything, but then you can tell yourself that you tried.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:45pm

Hi april,


Beth is telling you like it is.

Avatar for carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:53pm

I would be calling a child abuse agency and reporting the situation.

Save the child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:57pm
(((April))) You are a wonderful person who truly cares - my hat is off to you. You are right to be concerned - it sounds like your friend is in serious, debilitating trouble. There is nothing you can do to "make" her get help until she is ready - and that may or may not happen. Blaming others is classic - almost all alcoholic/addicts blame people, places, and things for their behavior. That way, the denial grows and the person doesn't have to take responsibility for his or her problems. An intervention is a great idea - if you have someone who is trained in doing them be a facilitator. My feeling is this - if something happened to someone I cared about and I did nothing, I would feel badly about standing by and not taking any action. It is typical of others to be "afraid" that the alcoholic would get mad when you call them on their s--t. Ask yourself: would you rather have her be mad at you and alive or dead? All you can do is to try to confront her once - not expecting anything to happen, but you will feel better knowing you tried.
Secondly, as a teacher, I have to say that it is time for Social Services to become involved. The little girl is living is a chaotic, sick environment and quite possibly her life may be in jeopardy. This is serious. No one wants to see a child taken away from the mother, but in this case, the mother may be completely incapable of doing her parental job. Cocaine is a federal crime! Another thing you could do would be to contact the guidance counselor at the child's school and alert them to what is happening.
As a recovering alcoholic, I know that as long as there are no consequences to someone's drinking or drugging, it will continue. Jail time may not be enough. Losing jobs and homes may not be enough. Losing a child may - or may not be enough.
The priority in this case is the child.
Please keep us posted - glad you came here.
Leslie
Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:47am

Hey April!


Good morning.


Did you not drink yesterday?


Can you not drink today?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:38am
Good morning Beth! I didn't drink yesterday, and although I can drink today, I probably won't. I probably drink 1-2/month, and only have 1-2 drinks each time. I figure if I never let myself go down that path, I'll never have to fight my way back because I know once you're down there, there's no easy way back. I have the cravings and desires to drink, but only allow myself to when I'm not craving it. It's much easier to stop myself at this point than if I allowed myself any leniency.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:29pm

Thank you all for your advice. I have some updates I wanted to share. I know once you get caught up with something like this, you kind of want to see it through.

It looks like the few people who have enough money to bail her out are afraid to because she may jump bail and leave them with a large debt. They’re also thinking it might help her see how far she’s fallen, but I personally don’t think so with the attitude she’s taking. She’s very angry right now. She asked where her family and friends were and why she’s still not out yet – not so politely though.

I’m still trying to get them to contact the father. I’ve been arguing saying that he has a right to know and how would each of them feel if it were their daughters. They all agree they’d be angry, but just like with the intervention, they’re afraid he’ll tell her who told him and she’ll be angry with them. Bottom line, they’re protecting the mother not the daughter.

The daughter is scheduled to fly out to visit him for a couple of weeks this weekend, but her aunt doesn’t want to let her go. She thinks that he’ll keep her if he finds out what’s happened to her mother – rightly so, I think. He'll just fly here when she doesn't show up and take her back anyway.

Her closer friends said they’ll do an intervention, but how when they’re so concerned about her reaction? Worse, a professional will not be involved. Plus, they're not providing treatment options because neither she nor they can afford it. I told them there are less expensive and even free options (like AA), and hope they wait until I can gather the info. I even suggested that we offer to alternate going with her to AA meetings (to make sure she actually goes).

Hopefully, they’ll use the info I get them because I don’t think they want me being part of the intervention. I’m not as close as they are, so I won’t be able to hide my anger like they can at what she’s doing to her daughter (soapbox issue). Although, I feel like I am more able to relate...basically, my logic and understanding may be able to reach what just their emotions can't. I really don’t know though...any advice on this?

Most of them were not raised in alcoholic families, and don’t realize the extent of the damage she’s causing her daughter or how difficult it is for her. One even said she thought that the mother didn’t need outside help, that she could help herself…just kind of pull herself out of it if she wanted. I explained to her addiction is like a migraine or clinical depression, you do not truly understand until you’ve been there, and that no, she will not be able to do it without help.

I also explained that unless she resolves the issues driving her to drink and do drugs, she will continue this cycle, even if she’s able to stop for awhile. People don’t get like this without a reason. I know this is hard for others to understand, but I keep thinking with them, just like with her, if I word it properly, I can get them to see. Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part, but I have to try.

Sorry for the never-ending post...there's just so much drama here. Thanks again for all of your advice. I hope you all have a great weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:32pm
This friend sounds like she has a lot of enabling people in her life. The very best thing anyone could do is to leave her in jail. Bailing her out of jail is NOT helping her! This may sound cruel and uncaring, but trust me - it is just the opposite. Until she really, truly experiences consequences for her actions, she may drink and drug until she kills herself and/or someone else. If people really cared about her, they would have to understand that letting go is the best thing to do - for her. If she gets mad, so what? The sooner she has the possibility of hitting a bottom, the sooner the miracle of recovery may begin.
That poor child deserves to have a sober parent. I hope someone calls Social Services. Keep us posted.
Leslie

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