help for a friend
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| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:42am |
Hi all,
My friends and I are in a dilemma - our friend is an alcoholic and coke addict and has gotten herself into trouble. A couple of years ago, she got her first DWI, then her second less than a year later. After the second, she was ordered to attend AA meetings and get a breathalizer installed on her car, but she found a way around both and never attended the meetings or puffed on the breathalizer - genious actually, but a detriment to her in the long run.
Now, she's in jail for a hit and run. I don't believe anyone was injured, thank goodness, but property was damaged. And, they do not have proof that she was under the influence for the H&R. Again, that's a good thing and a bad thing. Either way, it's her 3rd offense so she may have to do time.
She's also lost two jobs due to lack of performance, although she used to be a top player. She's working as a contractor now, but it's new so she has no money. She's lost her house, her phones were turned off and they're trying to repo her car. Her friend who rented a house to her is considering evicting her because she's so behind on rent. All of her friends have even provided her with food and toiletries for a couple of months.
This seems to be a similar story to others I've heard. It's hard to believe that she doesn't see she has a problem after all of this. She just blames others. She even drives with her daughter in the car while intoxicated. She nearly ran someone over once while I was in the car (before I realized how bad it was).
For months, I've been trying to convince the others who are closer to her that we should do something, an intervention maybe, but they haven't wanted to because they're afraid she'll get angry because the few times anyone has mentioned it to her she gets angry and tells them to stop judging her. Also, I think they're being selfish because they sometimes want a coke hook-up.
There has to be something we can do, if not for her than for her 11 year old daughter who was there when the police came to arrest her. My question to you all is...what, if anything, can we do or say to get her to want to change? How did you decide to seek help and get sober? What do you do to stay sober? What about others you know? I really appreciate any advice you can provide.
Thanks all,
April

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WHAT A GOOD FRIEND YOU ARE!!!!!!
"what, if anything, can we do or say to get her to want to change? " Oh dear, April....you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. The IT being her drinking and drug use.
How did you decide to seek help and get sober? I got sober when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My DH got sober when he lost his job, his first wife and went to jail. My sponsor got sober when she was put into a psych ward. We all needed to hit our bottom.
What do you do to stay sober? I stay sober by attending AA meetings and working the 12 Steps.
Thank you for your advice, and I suppose I understand. I just feel helpless not being able to do anything.
Regarding her daughter, she's why I'm so concerned. If it were only her own life she was destroying, I'd naturally be upset, but I would also understand that it's her life to destroy. However, her daughter's life isn't hers to destroy and it makes me angry, but I have no idea what to do about it other than try to get her to see what she's doing.
Her daughter's babysitter sees her more than she does. At night she's out partying, and during the day she's passed out. This happens over half of every week. It's so sad. I know what that kind of neglect can do, and her father is rarely around so the poor child must feel completely abandoned.
As for me, I don't party like she does. My father is an alcoholic as others are in my family, so I'm very conscientious of my alcohol intake. Really, I only know her through my best friend. We probably see each other a couple of times a month and never talk to each other without our mutual friend around.
It’s just very hard to accept that there’s nothing we can do to help.
You can try, once, to lay it on the line to her, but it may not help, and may just make her and your other friends angry at you.
If you truly feel that this little child is in danger, you can confidentially call children and family services. They may not do anything, but then you can tell yourself that you tried.
Hi april,
Beth is telling you like it is.
Alcohol, A
I would be calling a child abuse agency and reporting the situation.
Save the child.
Secondly, as a teacher, I have to say that it is time for Social Services to become involved. The little girl is living is a chaotic, sick environment and quite possibly her life may be in jeopardy. This is serious. No one wants to see a child taken away from the mother, but in this case, the mother may be completely incapable of doing her parental job. Cocaine is a federal crime! Another thing you could do would be to contact the guidance counselor at the child's school and alert them to what is happening.
As a recovering alcoholic, I know that as long as there are no consequences to someone's drinking or drugging, it will continue. Jail time may not be enough. Losing jobs and homes may not be enough. Losing a child may - or may not be enough.
The priority in this case is the child.
Please keep us posted - glad you came here.
Leslie
Hey April!
Good morning.
Did you not drink yesterday?
Can you not drink today?
Thank you all for your advice. I have some updates I wanted to share. I know once you get caught up with something like this, you kind of want to see it through.
It looks like the few people who have enough money to bail her out are afraid to because she may jump bail and leave them with a large debt. They’re also thinking it might help her see how far she’s fallen, but I personally don’t think so with the attitude she’s taking. She’s very angry right now. She asked where her family and friends were and why she’s still not out yet – not so politely though.
I’m still trying to get them to contact the father. I’ve been arguing saying that he has a right to know and how would each of them feel if it were their daughters. They all agree they’d be angry, but just like with the intervention, they’re afraid he’ll tell her who told him and she’ll be angry with them. Bottom line, they’re protecting the mother not the daughter.
The daughter is scheduled to fly out to visit him for a couple of weeks this weekend, but her aunt doesn’t want to let her go. She thinks that he’ll keep her if he finds out what’s happened to her mother – rightly so, I think. He'll just fly here when she doesn't show up and take her back anyway.
Her closer friends said they’ll do an intervention, but how when they’re so concerned about her reaction? Worse, a professional will not be involved. Plus, they're not providing treatment options because neither she nor they can afford it. I told them there are less expensive and even free options (like AA), and hope they wait until I can gather the info. I even suggested that we offer to alternate going with her to AA meetings (to make sure she actually goes).
Hopefully, they’ll use the info I get them because I don’t think they want me being part of the intervention. I’m not as close as they are, so I won’t be able to hide my anger like they can at what she’s doing to her daughter (soapbox issue). Although, I feel like I am more able to relate...basically, my logic and understanding may be able to reach what just their emotions can't. I really don’t know though...any advice on this?
Most of them were not raised in alcoholic families, and don’t realize the extent of the damage she’s causing her daughter or how difficult it is for her. One even said she thought that the mother didn’t need outside help, that she could help herself…just kind of pull herself out of it if she wanted. I explained to her addiction is like a migraine or clinical depression, you do not truly understand until you’ve been there, and that no, she will not be able to do it without help.
I also explained that unless she resolves the issues driving her to drink and do drugs, she will continue this cycle, even if she’s able to stop for awhile. People don’t get like this without a reason. I know this is hard for others to understand, but I keep thinking with them, just like with her, if I word it properly, I can get them to see. Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part, but I have to try.
Sorry for the never-ending post...there's just so much drama here. Thanks again for all of your advice. I hope you all have a great weekend.
That poor child deserves to have a sober parent. I hope someone calls Social Services. Keep us posted.
Leslie
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