May i re-join the board?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:57pm |
Hello,
Since my last post here over a month ago, i have lapsed miserably. I really need to stop drinking altogether, and i hope that staying on the board will help. I had resolved to drink moderately, and tried making rules (max 2 drinks per day, etc). But in the process i ended up going through a stash of gin and white wine in the closet *again*.
I feel so ashamed of the secret drinking, and the shame is because i am not being true to my husband when i do it. Really - i am lying to him by doing this.
For more than 3 years i was completely sober, totally abstaining, with zero desire to drink. I was this way because of my yoga practice. I started drinking in November with the start of a 2nd job they had given me at work; the program area i became responsible for is totally out of control, understaffed, and despite my best work and very long hours i was in a position of much blame. Plus, a new co-worker took an intense dislike to me and started being openly hostile. So i started enjoying the occasional drink at the end of the week to relax and forget.
But this has developed in a couple really disturbing ways. First is the secret drinking, because a "seemly" single glass of wine with dinner with my husband will not get me tipsy enough to be satisfied.
Second is the intensity of anticipation of drinking: the thing i *most* look forward to about any event or evening out is the cocktail or wine. This really disturbs me. Because it even trumps my appreciation and enjoyment of my husband's company. Can any of you relate to this? For example one Saturday we made dinner plans for Monday night at a fine restaurant. Since making the plans the thing i looked forward to the most was the martini i wanted to have before the meal. Not enjoying the company of my husband in a lovely atmosphere. What is wrong with me?
So i doubt that i even have the self-discipline to moderate, because i look forward to it *too much*. If i said, for example, i will only drink 3 nights per week, planning and anticipating those nights and making sure i get my maximum drinks will take over everything else. Does anyone on the board have similar feelings, do you know what i'm talking about?
Thanks for listening. I don't know that i won't delete this post, because i am so ashamed, but i need so bady to externalize it. I need a monitor, really.
fuchsia

Pages
Hi fuchsia,
Of course you are welcome here.
Alcohol, A
AA taught me how to quit and stay quit with joy.
The obsession to drink was lifted by God and doing the 12 Steps of AA.
AA Steps 4 and 5 erased my shame.
Wishing you the best..
Whatever you do, keep coming back. You are welcomed here!
Leslie
HI fuchsia g,
Welcome home, fuchsia. I, personally, am happy to see you return. We need you. There is only room for one "emoticon." I would like to add "Prayers and Positive Thoughts." A relapse need not be the end of your recovering world, fuchsia. I think that the first thing we should do is forgive ourselves. We know God will. Give yourself a break. It happens often. Some folks never make it back. Fuchsia you have. You can. You will.
We can use a return to our use of alcohol as a learning experience for after all we have proven to ourselves that it is not for us. I do not know your background, Fuchsia, but have you attempted AA? Without AA I would surely have failed. With the telephone to other AA members, face to face meetings, activity in AA, sharing with us here all these things will help you. Then you shall be able to help others and that is the greatest help for ourselves as well. Look to Brenda, Leslie, Carol, Jolene and many others here. They are shining examples of recovering folks and are forever willing to to anything within their power to help us. Then of course there is my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God--------the Final Answer. I learned more about God in AA than any religion. Don't get me wrong I am not disparaging organized religion Christian, Judaism, Islam, or any other for they all worship a Higher Power in their way. Radicalism in anything is a terrible thing.
So welcome, Fuschia it's come time for me to get off of the soap box. I do love to write and talk about fighting the disease of alcoholism and I have been so welcomed and loved here it's unbelievable. Move in walk our streets and get to know us. We are good folks, good lookin' and above average, too.
Service in recovery,
Paul
Castaway
A Friend in Recovery
Paul
Hi all,
Wow, 5 messages from you all - and i bet Paul is right that you are indeed above average for having such willpower to resist such a temptation and overcome weaknesses.
My biggest inclination right now is to moderating, as wine is frankly my biggest temptation. My husband enjoys it from a connoiseur-type interest, so it seems like such an innocent thing thing to enjoy a glass with him, etc. And my dear old dad takes a glass of red a day for his heart health, and this is something nice to share with him when we visit. It is too bad that something so innocent for most people can be poison for us.
But with my husband, i am to the point where i am outdrinking him, which is just silly. He is actually extremely moderate and mostly will not have more than one drink on a weekend night, if it's just us two on a 'date'. Maybe if one of my rules is to drink no more than he does, maybe that would help me.
Rules rules rules. If i make a rule to drink only certain types of drinks (e.g. only wine and cider, no hard liquor), that is such a slippery slope. The cheap wine at a bar is more likely than a martini to ruin the following day with a headache.
Maybe if i do one of those 30 day abstention things, it will 'reset' my taste and tolerance to where a single glass will be effective enough to stop at one.
Anyway, thank you for the responses. I don't have a vow or promise to make right now, but i will improve slowly.
fuchsia
Hi Fuchsia,
My name is Angela and I lurk around here and drop in my thoughts occasionally. I remember seeing your name around here and must say, although, I'm not a regular, it's nice to see you back.
Isn't funny in life how we want to be unique but not alone? In light of that my next comment should be taken in the "alone" context. You are not unique! :-) I have 16 weeks of sobriety, this Saturday. Life is feeling pretty darn good, however, I won't lie and say that at times I find myself bored and lonely but that's why I drank to begin with! Even though I still have those issues at least they don't make me feel like crap the next day anymore!
The questions you are asking yourself are very good ones. They reminded me of this post I wrote to Lucky a while back. This brings me back to the you are not unique thing. But the lovely thing is, you're not alone, either. These are some of my thoughts on abstinence and moderation:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhalcohol&msg=7781.22
Hope you'll decide to stick around a while, even if sporadically.
HI Fuscia,
I am not in any position to give advice. All I can tell you is that you're not alone and I too have done the EXACT same thing. Literally. Right down to the Martini....Apple was/is always my choice as a matter of fact. I would even abstain from eating the bread-just so it would not ruin that martini buzz.
In any case please do not be too hard on yourself, I understand exactly how you feel. You should be proud of yourself for having done so well for 3 years-you k now what that says??! You can do it again! You did it once You CAN and you WILL be sucessful at obstaining again. Best wishes, I am going to try to stay on thie board; I need it badly (i just posted today also re: my shame in slippign back into it.) Try to stick around on this board-I will too. :) Maybe we can stay in touch??
Hi,
Angela, your post about counting and anticipating drinks was reading my mind. Exactly. My concern is that this is so distracting to me! I cannot take it or leave it, and I look forward to it *too much*. Cutting it out entirely would be absolute simplicity. It then wouldn't even be a factor at all in my life. I used to enjoy life like that.
Girlyone, let's both stick around. I don't know that i'm as ready as you are to totally start abstaining. Did you start your day one yet?
fuchsia
>>I used to enjoy life like that. <<
And you can again! Believe that.
I love the freedom I have from thinking about, anticiapting and planning for my next drinks. My commute home from work is much less stressful now that my thoughts aren't consumed by "Do I have enough booze at home?" "Should I stop on the way just in case what I have won't be enough for me?" "Would this person please go faster! I have some drinking to do!" ugh.
Part of my "high" from drinking was that since I was raised in a non-alcoholic house with very strong religous views about drinking at all, by drinking I was rebelling and doing something "naughty". It was a thrill. It's surprising to me how that "thrill" is gone and not really missed. Just like those compulsive thoughts about it.
I know that you feel not ready to say you're done for good but I think you're on that path and I think it's great! Keep learning and growing and contemplating and maybe your "thrill" will fade, as well.
Pages