The battles beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
The battles beginning
19
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:03am
Now that I have DECIDED to stop. My addict brain has begun.
Just the IDEA that I am done with the bottle has begun to consume my thoughts.
I have gone a week with out a drink , in the past year.
And now that I have decided its done, I am at day 2 and alcohol is all that is on my mind. Its not so much a craving to drink, its just ALCOHOL is all I can think of.
I KNOW its the addict in me talking. I know I just need to ride it out.
The hardest is going to be the weekend and coming week when my kid will be gone and I wont really have any excuse NOT to drink, I need to keep telling myself that as much as I dont have an excuse NOT to, I dont have any excuse any more TO drink, other than that I am a drunk and I dont want to be that anymore.
I also am going to have to a cancel a trip that my best friend and I have been planning for next month. She is my drinking buddy and there is no way that I can go on this trip and NOT drink. there just isnt. I need more sober time before I could even contemplate setting myself up for that. Who am I kidding? I need SOME sober time, not more.
I have dealt with other addictions I know there is no set time when it eases, I would like to know your experiences, how long sober before it seemed the battle was not the only thing in your mind? With other chemicals its easy to find detox times, I dont know with alcohol, especially where I had stopped drinking every nite, but was still drinking weekly. Also, when I had tried to quit smoking at one point I had found a quitometer on line that kept track of your clean time, I am wondering if anyone knows of something like that for drinking. The smoking one kept track of it to the minute, and I am thinking that might help to motivate me...
I am still toying with the idea of an AA meeting, though that is not really the route I want to go. Any links to other sites or book titles are appreciated and can be emailed me to at Tickledwitch@hotmail.com please reference alcohol so I know its not junk mail.
giving it an honest try and hoping to get to a better place - chaos

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:33am

Hey Chaos


Just a couple of suggestions: Keep sugary things on hand, like hard candies.

Avatar for carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:38pm

Here is some interesting info..
link from my files on PAWS...

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

And to compare recovery groups

http://www.selfhelpgrouplocator.com/comparegroups.htm

BTW..they state daily AA meetings are a fact.
That is untrue. While the more often one goes in early
sobriety..the quicker you learn..it is NOT an absolute..Ever

There is a sobriety counter somewhere
I don't have it but you can Google

Keep in focus..




Edited 7/24/2006 1:03 pm ET by carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 6:52pm
my addict brain is trying to convince me that this ISNT the best time to stop drinking. Justifications, excuses.
when I look at it just for today, ok, I can do it today.
But I dont know how not to look at the big picture and to be overwhelmed.
I remember when my dad stopped drinking when I was a teenager. i hated him even more in those years than when he was drinking. I am afraid that will happen with my son. I try to say how could having a mother who drinks be better? neither is a good option it seems.
I felt rage today. I guess its one of the feelings I hate most about myself. And I had to wonder if it was one of the reasons I drink to begin with. This just seems like so much work. I have to keep realizing most of it is the addict talking and figure out how to get through that. I mean maybe I can at least do a month, whats a month, and then from there I'll be stronger and more ready to face ANOTHER month. I dont want to be tied to counting days but I dont know any other way to get through it.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:46pm
Chaos,
You are doing wonderful I have to say. Just sharing your thoughts and feelings and sometimes just seeing them is enough. The very best advice I have is to take it one day(sometimes minute) at a time. This can be a rough period. Does your doctor know? Not that I told my doc though. I detoxed by myself. I had weeks of kind of "knowing" I was about to do though.
I am coming up to year 3, and it's scary. Just when you think you are the farthest away from alcohol, you are dead close. These numbers stick out to me: 3,6, and 9. When you are approaching days 3, 6, and 9 or week 3, 6, and 9 or month, ect. ect.. Guess what? That's where I am at. An anniversary time. It's like you can talk yourself right into it. I know it's my alcohol demon talking to me.
Keep on keeping on. You are doing fantastic and you WILL get through it.....

Jolene

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:59pm

Chaos-

Congratulations on deciding to make the most empowering decision of your life!! Some thoughts that may help; I have come to realize and accept that I am a rebel.I never want someone to tell me I *can't* do something or I'm not allowed, even when that person saying it is me so I play mind games with myself and they work. For example, I can have a drink any old time I want to I'm just choosing not to. That twist in perception makes it so much easier because I am not putting limitations on myself, I am making choices, I am actively participating in creating a new life for myself.

I will never admit that I am powerless. Never. True, I can give my power away but I am not powerless.

I am 17 weeks sober and loving it. Don't mistake that for meaning that all the puzzles pieces have fallen into place and that life is still not a struggle because it is, by it's very nature, always going to be a struggle. However, I am no longer working *against* myself and the inevitable trials that we all face. I am facing what life brings me with a clear head and an open mind. That goes for the good stuff that I was too numb to really enjoy before. Every once in a while I get these bursts of sheer joy that scare me a bit because I just don't know what to do with them but, man, do I want them to keep coming so I have the chance to figure it out.

I have been attending Women For Sobriety meetings since my 2nd week of sobriety and have no doubt that the love and support I have found there is essential to maintaing my goal of a new, sober life. I would encourage you to look for a local meeting. And keep in mind that if you see someone you know, well, doesn't that meant they are there, too?

Personally, I don't care who knows that I attend a sobriety support group. For me, it's a badge of honor saying that I have made a positive choice in my life and although I may have allowed my drinking to get out of control, I will no longer will allow it. If someone is going to judge me for making a good decision than I say screw 'em. But that may just be that rebel talking. ;-)

You *can* do this!! You are a competant woman and you shall know it always.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:28am

17 WEEKS!!!


HURRAY!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:07am

Chaos,

Today is your day 3! Today is my day 1! We almost have the same 'birthday'.

I know what you mean about thinking about it. When i was trying to quit the gin, i could literally smell the alcohol in everyday household items. Not that i would want to drink them, mind you, or even actively inhale them or anything weird - i would just be using them and a whiff would come my way. In my laundry detergent, in my hair colorant, etc. And my brain would instantly go back to the gin, with a sigh.

Then i had a bad incident with a martini, and i have no more desire for the hard stuff at all, like a switch that turned off. So from my little experience i can tell you that the desire can really go away. (I also now get my hair colored at the Aveda salon, where the color smells like roses and lavender, not ammonia and peroxide (which to me smells like gin - yuck!))

At least you are recognizing this in yourself. And wow, your cancelling a weekend where you know you will be pressured and exposed - that is so strong of you!

fuchsia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:37pm

(((chaos)))


I am so happy for you to have made that concious decision to live sober.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:10pm
Unfortunately I think my resolve was premature and not strong enough.
I freaked out today, in my head.
I dont want to stop drinking.
I know its the addiction pure and simple.
But I dont know that I am ready to face that yet.
I think in my head I have already decided to drink this weekend. It was the only thing that would stop the panic in me.
My summer schedule affords me to much kid free time, (something I never had until a couple years ago) and it might be better to stop when I am on a more regular schedule. I dont know.
I went to an online AA meeting last nite, it was better than I had imagined it would be.
I am also getting information on Women For Sobriety.
I think its probably true, that if I am going to Stop drinking, I am going to have to go to some sort of support system, be it meetings, private counceling, something. I also think its true that I do not have any social sober friends. Not that all my friends and I get together and party , usually I drink alone, but I cant think of one social friend I know that does not drink.
Its easier for me not to drink when my son is here, I used to drink after he went to bed, but he stays up later now.
I am rethinking my strategy.
and its stupid because I KNOW it is the addiction talking.
chaos-

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:25pm

JUST NOT TODAY.......


THE WEEKEND AIN'T HERE YET

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