TINY TUESDAY (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
TINY TUESDAY (m)
32
Tue, 01-22-2002 - 10:11am

TINY TUESDAY (m)


A while back, we had a Tiny Tuesday exercise where we all used the same opening sentence for our stories. It was amazing to see how many directions the stories went. So this week, please begin your short story with the following sentence.

I stared at the envelope, reading again the word Briamonte.

Have fun,

Mac

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-23-2002 - 11:20pm

Thanks...I'm glad you liked it!!! (nt)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-23-2002 - 11:35pm

Wendy, thank you!!! (m)


I might try to expand this piece. I connected with Allison and would like tell more of her story. As for telling the boyfriend the whole story, yes, I intended for her to do so. Mainly because she saw how much he cared...okay who am I kidding? It was that homemade spaghetti!!!

I appreciate your comments/feedback,

Mac

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-23-2002 - 11:46pm

Thanks, Sammi (m)


I appreciate your ideas about breaking up the paragraph and sentence. You make a good point about giving it more impact.

Glad you liked it,

Mac

Avatar for jadetigerroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 9:25am

WOW


Very nicely written. Makes me want to know what she did before the ring.

Keep up the great job

Jade

Have a mystical day,

Jade

Please Pray and Support O

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 9:43am

New to board - my shot at TT


I stared at the envelope, reading again the word Briamonte.

My hands started to shake and I felt dizzy, sitting down hard on my couch. The white vellum envelope fluttered from my hand to the floor and Big Teddy came lumbering over to see if it was pounceable.

I hadn't heard that name for almost 30 years. When I was singing along to "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" with my best friends Cheryl and Lisa in the narrow seat of the school bus that took us to another day of hell in fourth grade.

Briamonte... the secret I'd kept for 29 years, only sharing it with two other 9 year olds. Even through four years of therapy, I hadn't said a word. Which could go a long way toward explaining why I still had so many "issues."

"... Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry, them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye singing 'This will be the day that I die; this will be the day that I die'..." Of the three of us Cheryl was the only one who even came close to being able to sing on key, but that didn't matter, didn't even slow us down. We were nine year old divas well on our way to stardom. At least in our own minds.

I'd told them about Briamonte the week before, in our "clubhouse" on the playground. Just some pieces of cardboard laid against brush, but some of the best days of my life were spent in that dusty small space.

They were both sworn to secrecy with a pinky promise... the strongest promise that could be made. I never worried about them telling anyone.

But now, here was an envelope with Briamonte's name on it. It wasn't possible, she was dead. I knew because I'd killed her.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 10:39am

Very Nice...(m)


I found this a very interesting piece. Is this from a longer piece? You did very well with this assignment, El. I can see the mother with her long hair and did she have on hippie beads? Good work, Sammi

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 10:45am

Hi, Portrait...(m)


Very nice! Are you going to let us know what was in the post office box? Curious minds want to know. LOL. You got me hooked, I enjoyed reading this. Sammi

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 10:54am

Wow, Wendy...(m)


Very nice. Is this part of your novel? I want to know more about these characters, especially before and after this scene.

I only found one place where your tense was off, but I'm sure it was just a typo. I've pasted it here for you: "...I forced myself to --sat--?sit?-- back down..."

I hope you share more of this story with us. Good writing, Sammi

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 11:01am

Suspenceful, Hbgboo ...(m)


...and welcome to Short Story Basics. Well, you got me hooked. This is my assignment to you as a new member: Finish this, finish this. LOL. Just kidding. I would like to see how this story plays out though. I enjoyed reading this. Your writing voice comes through very clearly. Good job, Sammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 11:20am

What a fun story!!! (m)


The relationship between the mom and daughter was so realistic and there were several things I liked about your TT. The “designer tampons” for one but I also liked the name of the line (of course, now I’ll be singing that song ALL DAY). And the Jim Morrison remark was classic.

I can’t find a thing I’d change, however, I’m not sure about the word “unviolated”. What about “…my hair was as of yet not violated by…”

Thanks for sharing with us. As always, I enjoyed it.

Mac

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