TINY TUESDAY (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
TINY TUESDAY (m)
32
Tue, 01-22-2002 - 10:11am

TINY TUESDAY (m)


A while back, we had a Tiny Tuesday exercise where we all used the same opening sentence for our stories. It was amazing to see how many directions the stories went. So this week, please begin your short story with the following sentence.

I stared at the envelope, reading again the word Briamonte.

Have fun,

Mac

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-24-2002 - 10:09pm

And your inspiration paid off!!! (m)


I really connected with Briamonte. I felt sorry that he was strapped with the expenses of his mother’s care when there were other siblings. But I thought it was sweet how his mom tried to make him feel less bad with her comments about the sheets, tv and meal plan.

The ending was very touching. But I have a suggestion in regards to “ten quarts of tears.” One time I used the expression “opened the oven a million times” and the former writing coach, Jessica Page Morrell, said, “a dozen times would do.” So I’ll pass on her advice and suggest you substitute “ten quarts of tears” with something like, “All I managed to read before my eyes filled with tears were the words: “We regret to inform you that…”

I loved the line “I was the only kid in school whose niece was my babysitter” as well as the siblings names.

This was so good. I’m happy you posted it.

Mac

PS…it’s never to late to post a Tiny Tuesday!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 01-25-2002 - 12:19am

Thank you Mac...


I'm glad you liked it. It just flew out of my fingers. Briamonte had some bad luck in life but he wasn't letting it get him down.

I felt an awkwardness trying to describe how watery his eyes got when he read the letter - guess I haven't written about tears of sadness much before. Your suggestion was terrific.

Thanks again for reviewing and commenting. I always like feedback.

Have a good night, Eyewrite

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 01-25-2002 - 4:45pm

Loved it Eyewrite!


Eyewrite,

I really enjoyed reading your contribution to TT... Briamonte was very real, along w/ Mac I loved the description of him as the only kid in school whose niece was his babysitter.

Will look forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Boo

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 01-26-2002 - 12:00pm

Thanks, Boo, glad you liked it! (nt)


Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 01-26-2002 - 12:20pm

Welcome, Boo...


And thanks for your TT posting. So why was Briamonte killed - what did she do? Stay tuned next week - :)

Eyewrite

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sat, 01-26-2002 - 6:36pm

Hi Sammi~


I think this story has wonderful potential. Any chance you may expand it? If so, a couple of suggestions:

I do believe a 12 yr. old would have a good sense of the craziness going on with her dad, and that he'd been taken away because of it. You may want to make her age 5 or 6, old enough to remember him well, ask for him, but not quite understand.

Also to add more punch, maybe say, "In the two years he's been gone she finally quit asking for him." Instead of "She hasn't seen her dad for the whole time"

Anyway, good luck if you expand, and thanks for a great read. kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sat, 01-26-2002 - 7:01pm

Hey Mac...(m)


I really enjoyed this detailed story. Great emotion, suspense, action in her tension about the letter. The image of her in her mother was a great way to describe her to us. You could easily expand this story adding more about the mother and father, and her relationship with them.

Good job, Mac! kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-26-2002 - 7:27pm

Thanks Kat...I'm going to work (m)


on the rewrite and will keep you posted.

Mac

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 02-02-2002 - 9:54am

Thanks...(m)


...for all the good words. You're right, Kat, about the girl's age. I thought about that after I posted this, younger would have been better. At this point I have no plans to expand this. But I do have another story, that has been put on hold, about a woman who is traveling to Texas from Nebraska, from an abusive husband... Thanks again, Sammi

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