I hate it!! and him too!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
I hate it!! and him too!!
11
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:23pm
same ole story...10 years together with kids...at least we have gotten to the point were he just drinks and stays out of my hair. He is home EVERY night. Drinks about 5 nights a week. I have brought things to his attention and he has agreed to try a form of help but the appt. is not until next week and of course he drank tonight. I am soooo tired of his problem being my problem. I will say that if this other form of treatment does not help I will ask him to leave. I am to the point where I wish horrible things on him because I am angre about his drinking. Is it bad to have those thoughts??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 7:19am

Hi. Welcome to the board. I am Beth, I am a recovering alcoholic.


Everyone has a breaking point, and it sounds like you have reached yours. To try and help yourself get through the next week until his appointment...concentrate on the fact that ALCOHOL is your problem, when he drinks it. Changing the wording from HIM to IT, might allow you to get through to next week.


Checking out AlAnon might be a good idea too.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:46am
Hi and Welcome to the Alcohol Problems board,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:47pm
Thank you!! I'm hanging in there. I feel like I have waited this long what is a few more days. I just have to wonder why he does get it? He is destroy our relationship. I have to tell you reading the boards have made me feel better...the whole blaming me in so many ways..wow I thought I was the only one that went through that. Nice to know I am not going out of my mind. Which is where I am at now. I love and care for him and he is a good person and at least he does not do this completely in front of the kids but it is something I just can not live with it. I'm glad he has come to terms with needing help and that is the step in the right direction. I guess I have to look deep inside to see if this is something I want to deal with for the rest of my life. Even if he stops at some point he will fall and I just don't know if I can handle that disappointment. Is that selfish? I'm catholic and divorce is just not something I want to really do but my kids come first and he knows that he is an influence on them and that is why he is taking the next step. I guess I am just not sure how I will react if he gets the help and then falls again. I also just do not understand the weakness. If someone told me I had to give up coffee or lose my family I would throw every bean out of the house!
Avatar for carol777
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:38pm

See if this info helps you understand...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism

Welcome to our board..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:56pm

You are, understandably, at the end of your rope. I would not presume to advise you to stay or go or anything else. Some people who are alcoholics never get better. Some people who are alcoholics get help, stay sober and then relapse. Other people get help, stay sober, and stay sober. I don't know which your husband will be.


You are responsible for you and your children. I would suggest that you wait and see, for at least a little while, to see if he gets help or doesn't.


Whatever you decide...come here...we care.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:54am
Here is my thing...I wish I had that one powerful word to say to him that would make him go holy cow I am screwing up here. Any suggestions? I really am at the end of my rope right now and I did tell him that the treatment that he going on to on Tuesday has got to work. I don't know if he really understands what I meant..if it does not work he has got to go. I need a break! He does go hunting and I let him go when he wants too because I need a night to just breath and be with the kids and have fun time with out looking over my shoulder. I hate living this way and I just don't know if I can tell him without him REALLY understanding that I am not going to live this way the rest of my life. I have such bad thoughts about him and I hate having those. I sometimes just wish he would get hurt on the job and at least he would die with honor and not from liver damage. How do I tell him this? I just can not keep going like this and I am so angre. I know you say alcohol is my problem and that is hard for me to swallow. I did not create the situation so I have hard time accepting that. I feel like I should not have to take responsibility for it but he should. But here is the thing...I know he feels guilty because of it and as time goes on I can see him struggle with this. As though he knows what he is doing is wrong...but bottom line he is still drinking. God help me! This truly sucks because I do love my husband...most people who have been married this long don't love each other. But I know he loves the bottle more and that use to just KILL me but now I'm getting over it and I try not to let it break my heart and I have distance myself from him. I've had to in order to just function! I just want that one powerful statement that would change everything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:52pm

I have one for you:

"If you do not seek help, if you do not try, if you do not participate and change this cycle of destruction, I WILL leave you. I will take the kids and leave."

That's not meant as an ultimatum, even though that's what it sounds like. But you said you can't keep living like this. I know you said you don't want to divorce, but when you have 2 options, which one are you going to take... him drinking all the time and not only destroying his life, but yours and your kids (growing up with an alcoholic does it's damage!) or taking yourself and your children out of this unhealthy environment?

You can't control him or his drinking. If he chooses to drink over his family, then I think the choice has been made. Sure, he can go for treatment, but until he WANTS to stop, then it's just not going to happen. Yes, he will stop for a few weeks, maybe for a few months... but he won't stop unless he realizes that he is destroying his family.

I am in a similar situation. We do not have kids and he has stopped drinking... but I am waiting to see if he really means it. He knows I will leave him if he continues on his path. For a long time, he never really saw a problem. I am not living my life with an alcoholic and I've told him this. Trust me, I don't want to get a divorce either, just the sound of it makes my head spin because of all the complications. But I have to live my life for me, and not let him bring me down. If that means someday leaving, then that's what I will have to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 11:39pm
Thank you!! I think what has helped me the most is that I had all weekend with the kids and we had a really good time. He went hunting so it was just the 3 of us and for the first time my daughter who is 6 now did not ask about where her father was. She is really close to him but I think she is starting to see the issues. I know she is because she told me the other night about it. That broke my heart. I guess I have realized that I do not and will not understand what he has. Nothing could ever make me so weak that I would choose it over my children. For awhile I struggled with that. His weakness was dumb founding me. The more I tried to understand it the more I hated it. I'm learning that I don't understand it and all I can do is make a choice. I can not live with the angre inside. If it is possible I am getting past that. I look at him and feel sorry for him. He is weak and that is something I just don't think I can live with. Mainly because the kids will look to him and all they will see is a drunk dad. And when they are teenagers and start drinking...what do I tell them? It's ok for dad to get drunk and only when your're an adult you can do the same..hahahaha. There is no way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess he will be a good example of a bad example for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:24pm

I am so sorry you find your family in the situation of being hurt by the disease of alcoholism.

But you need to understand that you are asking for the impossible. There IS NO one statement that will make him see that he needs to sober up. You did not cause him to drink and you cannot make him stop. He must make that choice for himself, some say with the help of his higher power. Alcoholism is a DISEASE, not a WEAKNESS. He is not choosing alcohol over loving his family, he is addicted to something he cannot at this time control.

I sense much hurt in you, but much love. I urge you to educate yourself about addiction/recovery. I urge you to make an appointment with a counsellor for yourself, I urge you to visit an al-anon meeting. They know what you're living and can help.

Take care and I hope life gets better for you.

wfsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:15am
Oh my........after reading your post - I almost thought it was ME who wrote it!!!
I too was looking for the 'one thing' to say to get my hubby's attention. I went with one idea for a 'wake-up' call and it pretty much turned to major disaster with one little exception. HE made the decision to move out of our home - which now just leaves me and our daughter. She and I are handling most of it very well. We miss him terribly, but we do not miss 'the bottle'. He continues to drink heavily, which he proved by getting a DUI a couple weeks ago BUT he blamed it on me because I am friends with a county cop. He is not getting any better, but as for myself, I KNOW I am getting better, I am no longer being his enabler and am able to focus more energy on our daughter who needs me to 'hang tough' and help support her when she's missing her daddy. We are starting counseling next week to help us cope and it's not going to be easy but in the end I think it will be worth it. I have come to realize that "I" cannot change his ways, he has to make that choice himself. It hurts to think that he has chosen the bottle over our daughter and also me, but it was better to find out after 18 months rather than 18 years from now. I wish you all the best!!

Pages