I'm back and still troubled
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|Fri, 01-23-2009 - 9:20pm|
I wrote this post back in July http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol/?msg=9712.1
As an update, I am still with SO and we now have a son. He has his ups and downs as I'm sure all alcoholics do. He has not hurt me or even tried since. But every once in awhile he will say he's going to cut back and eventually quit. But he doesn't. I have been reading a lot and talking to my dad, a former alcoholic. He lent me the AA book and I'm really enjoying it so far.
My biggest problem is that I can't understand alcoholics. I don't see how they think and look at things. All I can think of is how he thinks drinking is more important than losing his family. I always repeat this with empty meaning, but I'm so close to leaving. I'm just so terrified of raising the kids alone and being capable of doing so. Everything I read scares me. I know he needs help in order to get better but he doesn't want help. He doesn't want to stop. And the more I nag and complain and cry the more he drinks.
Now he says it's my problem. Or that it's my parents' fault for making me this way. I'm to the point where even seeing a beer makes me have an anxiety attack. I feel so helpless sometimes. I want to help him and I want to be there for him but I know there's nothing I can do or say to make him stop. He's now sneaking things behind my back. I can tell because we have less money than he says and I found mouthwash and gum in his car which is unusual. I just want to know what to do and where to go from here!