Sunday's Surprise: Open the Envelope (m)
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Sunday's Surprise: Open the Envelope (m)
| Sun, 03-03-2002 - 12:20pm |
Sunday's Surprise: Open the Envelope (m)
Write a short story (500 words or less) where a message received affects the main character. Open your mind and be creative because messages can be sent in many forms.
Happy writing,
Mac

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Hi Leilani (m)
I really liked how her dad came to her in the dream to reassure his daughter he was okay. It was extra touching to me, because in a way, I suppose I hope that it could actually happen (I lost my father when I was twelve years old).
The seashell on the nightstand was too cool! Thanks for sharing with us.
Mac
Nice work maria.(m)
I can't imagine not speaking to my sister for five weeks, let alone five years. So sad.
I do have one little critique. Since your story is in present tense, you might think about putting the flashback in past or past perfect tense.
Tana blurts {had blurted}, “She made him happy.”
“Yes, and she also spent his money, gambling and she drinks heavily. We probably will be sued by the whore for more of his estate because he was driving the vehicle.”
Tana shouts {shouted}, “I don’t want to talk about this now. I’m tired. In fact I don’t want you to call me again!”
Kristina hears {heard} the click and then the line goes {went} silent. She calls {called} her back after two days and still Tana won’t {wouldn't} answer her call. Tana has{had} shut the door to communication. Kristina gets {had become} angry and vows{vowed} that if the bitch wants {wanted} to act like that, then so be it!
Maybe it's just me, but even though you indicated the beginning and ending of the flashback, keeping it in present tense seemed confusing and I thought it had just recently happened.
I did enjoy the story, and thought you did a great job with the theme.
Linda
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
Ah mac, you romantic li'l devil you. I loved it.(nt)
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
Heheheh jade. Sounds like a(m)
message worth waiting for. This was a fun story. I do have one little critique.
You went back and forth between past and present tense, (sometimes using both in the same sentence). I think it might read a little smoother if you put it all in one or the other since the story has occurred in a short, sequential time frame. Just a suggestion.
This was a good story and lots of fun to read.
Linda
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
A moving story, leilani. Thanks for posting it. (nt)
cl-ozarker
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway
Thanks so much for the feedback n/t
Some country romancing...thanks, Linda!!! (nt)
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