Saying mean things?
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| Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:13am |
I just posted here under the intro thread. My 4.5 year old has very mild PDD-NOS we've been told. His main issues are sensory integration, some repetitive speech, and of course he is socially a bit different. But he is also very related to people and is getting to be so much fun to have around now. He is much more flexible than he used to be, and copes better with some of his fears that would have caused a screaming tantrum a year ago.
Anyway, we had a visit from my brother and 4.5 y.o. nephew recently. The boys only see each other once a year or so. We had a great day, went to the park, rode in my brother's van (amazing that Aaron agreed to that!). At the end of the day we were playing in my tree-covered backyard. I was throwing the ball to nephew, who can hit it like he is on a baseball team. Then Aaron had his turn, but he can barely hit it. My nephew was trying to verbally instruct him in a helpful way. The more he talked the closer to meltdown Aaron got. He went off by himself, crouched down, and cried a bit. Then we went to the swing set and Aaron was still mad, making a growling noise at his cousin. Then he looked at me and said, "I am going to cut these trees down so it will fall on you." My nephew was shocked, and told him, "you dont' talk to your mom like that." I of course told him the same thing. I was so disappointed to hear such a mean thing out of my son.
Today, his 18 month old sister was trying to get something he wanted. He told me he was going to "kill her." My heart hurts to hear such things out of him. I'd asked the OT about the other incident, if it was a PDD thing or just a misbehaving kid thing. She said it was not a PDD thing. I just don't know.
What do you all think?
I dont' think Aaron quite understands the seriousness of talking about killing a person. He only just now 'gets' that we kill bugs in the house.
Thanks for any input.
Amanda

Well, the OT was wrong, in my opinion. Your son does not get the seriousness of what his words mean, but he is trying to express the out-of-control size of his emotions! And the emotions are huge, very big, and ordinary words are not satisfying to him, hence he is using the more intense words, very accurately, by the sound of it.
Actually, people say "I want to kill you" all the time. Even grown ups. Obviously he needs to be encouraged to find more appropriate words, but my almost 8 year old PDD=NOS son has been encouraged and coached, and still sometimes his rage is so big that he wants to say "I hate you" and "I want to kill you" and even "You should die!!!". This has improved with work, but he is not aware of consequences in the moment of emotional overwhelm! Only the need to have the depth of his anguish understood.
Your child is not saying these things to be mean! Just my opinion.
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Sara,
Yes I get what you are saying. Grownups do use that phrase. I really don't know where he got it from. We don't use it in that way, but he obviously heard it somewhere. He said it again tonight, about a dog wandering the neighborhood who was pestering us. He said if that dog barked at him again, he was going to kill him. So I told him we would not, and that we do not talk about killing animals or people, especially people. Guess we'll see if he says it again.
Thanks for your input. I sometimes think our OT sugar-coats things a bit as far as behavior goes. I saw the school behavior person, who told me to keep doing what I am doing basically... which is a lot of time-outs for bad behavior. Oh well, that is a whole other post!
Amanda
Hi Amanda,
I have a 4.5 yr old DS with AS, too. He would hit and bite when he was 2-3 but around 4 he also became verbally nasty. He says very similar things to your DS. The ironic thing is we've really cracked down on the nasty talk with consequences and social stories and have seen an improvement with the talk but the hitting has returned. His anger and frustration needs an outlet, I guess and teaching him self-calming skills has become a real challenge but a priority for us.
Our DS often says he hates rules and wants to do WHAT he wants, WHEN he wants it. I think what bothers me the most is when he gets in a situation where he is jealous of an NT kid, he gets a smirk on his face and deliberately tries to bump them or invade their space. Sometimes the "pros" can make me feel so inadequate. For instance, I mentioned the hitting to his Neuro-Ped who very non-chalantly said, "Put him in time out or take away a toy"...like we havent tried it...millions of times over.
Oh, well, hugs to you and pass on successful tactics if you have any.
Shelley